Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Quercus]

Hi Azzdog,

Your last post is curious to me. You mentioned feeling rejected and that you don't take this well. This is worth thinking about.

Feeling rejected or excluded is a totally normal reaction to social situations (even forums like these). I know I have felt this way and no doubt many others relate to this feeling.

It is human nature to feel like it is all about ourselves. It took me time and practice to learn most of all people think of themselves not me. How many times do we imagine the worst of a situation (usually in such a way that it makes us seem unimportant or unwanted). But it is nothing more than an unhelpful thought.

What do you practice to manage unhelpful thoughts?

I try to examine them logically. You already started "you all have lives" (understanding people are busy) but the wording implies you feel you don't (have a life). That needs further examination because it is another unhelpful thought and put down within itself.

So weekends are tough for you. Because your lonely? Ok. So what do you plan to do about this? You mention your therapy group... Do you have any of the contacts for people from there? If not how come you haven't? They're peers. Socialising is so much easier with others who understand.

If not the group what else can you do? I've noticed you replied to other new members here which is so lovely. Have you considered chatting to others here at times you struggle? This also means pushing yourself to seek others out. Is this possible?

Nat

[Doolhof]

Hi Aaron,

Sometimes when I am feeling lonely and dejected I take myself out! I might go for a drive, go to a park for a walk, have a coffee in a café, go to the movies, take a walk along the beach, or watch a DVD at home that lifts my spirits.

You mention Orygen a lot, is it possible to ask some of the other participants if they would like to join you on the weekend doing something.

The more I concentrate on what I don't have and what I want but don't feel like I can have right now, the worse I make myself feel.

Do you have plans for when your time with Orygen ends? Can the people there make suggestions for where you can go next?

Try and find ways to be content with your own company. My psychologist told me that I seemed to need other people to make me happy and that I needed to find ways to make myself feel happy, content and fulfilled.

Can you catch up with some friends, even if they are couples, and feel happy for them that they are in relationships. You could use it as an opportunity to talk with females!

If females are already in a relationship, you won't feel like you need to be someone you aren't to get them to talk to you. There would be less pressure and you can practise talking with females!

Hope some of this helps Aaron!

Cheers to you from Dools

[Azzdog]

Catching up with people in couples will not happen. I hate being third wheel. Absolutely hate it. I feel so worthless and pathetic in those situations and it brings back very unhappy memories from school. I have made a pledge to myself that if I had a girlfriend and I was with her and another friend, we would not act like a couple around them because I know exactly how it feels to be a third wheel.

We have been catching a little bit from the groups. It is not happening this weekend because there is a lot on for some but it does happen every now and then. I am going to push for something next weekend to happen. I am also hanging out with a friend later today.

Movies and DVD's a triggers for me. It is very hard to find a movie that doesn't have a reference to love or sex so I just stay away from them. It is the reason why I don't watch tv. I do listen to music, play guitar, watch some comedy shows as a way of lifting my spirits. I do go for walks along the walking path near my house.

I try to manage unhelpful thoughts by asking myself does it help me get to where I want to go. It is really hard at the moment because the thoughts are really strong. I feel like I have a lot of love to give but no one ever gives me a chance. That's what makes me feel so rejected. That's why I reach out here because where else can I go?

I do have some plans for when Orygen ends and thats what we are working at at the moment.

I'm sorry I keep saying this but its worth asking a lot, what do I have to do to show women that I am attractive? It is staggering to see men who take their partners for granted and yet I am constantly ignored on dating sites and the like. It's astonishing but it makes sense because its me and who has really ever wanted to be with me? No one.

[Croix]

Dear Aaron (I hope you don't mind me using you name)~

I've been away for a while and popped in to see how you are going, and I'm gladdened to see you are talking with so many.

Reading thought your posts there were a couple of things I thought I'd say. The first is in relation to the superficial aspects of culture with an emphasis on looks and narrow focus on the 'acceptable'.

Of course you are right, such things are pervasive and appear in everything from advertising to TV. I'd also think a lot of this is only skin deep and can be discounted as time goes on. As an example I've a friend who uses a wheelchair.

When I first met this person the chair was all I really saw. It was not that long however before personality came through and I saw the person and had to remind myself to take the physical limitations of wheeled mobility into account.

Bit ironic really as now when traveling I sometimes have to use one, however it's made me a lot less self-conscious about being in one. You've said yourself you are OK to look at. All I'd say is give people a little time as my friend did.

As for making yourself more attractive, I'm not sure it is something one can consciously do, any more than attaining happiness. I'd guess it is a by-product of how one feels. Yes I know this might seem a chicken-and-egg sort of thing, no contact, feelings of failure, therefore less contact.

Perhaps it might be a question of success in other fields of endeavour spill over.

Do you think I'm on the right track?

Croix

[Azzdog]

Hi Croix,

Yes, society, as a whole, is way too superficial and we are fixated on appearances rather than the intrinsic quality of a thing as a whole. Modelling is an example of that. Rewarding someone based on their physical appearance is not an achievement. Fashion can be a way to be self-expressive but too often we "reward" someone based on something in which they can only thank their genes for. That's what I take exception to.

I guess we are different than others. We are not quick to judge someone in a wheelchair but unfortunately there are some who would make some definitive statements about that person.

I am trying to make wholesale changes to other aspects of my life. Like study and other areas. So I am not just focusing on one area. I guess I'd have hoped after 11 years I would seen some results by now.

I know I can be hard to talk to at times on these forums, and in life in general, but its because of what I've just mentioned. This has been going on for 11 years and I wonder if this is how life will be for me for the rest of my life. I have watched men, who don't do anything really with their lives, find girlfriends and yet I'm still stuck in the same position I was when I was a teenager. I don't see how this is fair whatsoever. This is where my anger is. There are no young men's support groups in Victoria and I have tried to raise the idea at Orygen about it, I only got shut down by my psychologist who said "what good would it do?" People in relationships can be very condescending, even if they don't mean it which is still not acceptable, and its a bit rich for her to make that comment when she has the relationship stuff all figured out.

There needs to be more support for people out there, like me, so where we don't feel alone and we have that reassurance that we are not the only one. Even at Orygen I feel like that in the groups.

[Azzdog]

hi everyone

[smallwolf]

Hi, how has your weekend been? Any plans for the week ahead?

[Azzdog]

My weekend was okay. I have a real problem as I have an unresolved issue that I have to sit with for another week. I thought it would get resolved this week but unfortunately it won't. This issue has caused me to go to hospital at one point and I'm just upset that no-one seems to understand the gravity of the situation. Thats why my mood is so up and down here. I can't sit with it anymore as Ive been asked to sit with it for ages. I hate being rejected but that seems to be common parlance for me. Women rejected me because of my face and personality, so why bother living anymore?

[Doolhof]

Hi Aaron,

Did something happen over the weekend to trigger your further? We are trying to show you empathy and understanding here.

You are right in a way when you write that people in relationships don't get what it is like to not be with someone. The thing is, some of us in relationships have to work really hard to stay in them!

Early you wrote that you don't watch T.V. or movies as you are triggered by seeing people together. Unless you watch real life documentaries, a lot of what you see is made up. It is not reality.

Hopefully you can find ways to face the reality that other people are in relationships even if you think they are unworthy of being so.

Maybe you need to find ways to desensitise yourself and try to accept other people are together. Fighting something continuously is exhausting and does not resolve anything, it just high lights the issues.

Hope you are okay Aaron.

Cheers from Dools

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

You mentioned that nobody understands the gravity of your situation.

We are listening and talking to you about how it hurts when you are rejected by women, and how it can cause you to feel suicidal and end up in hospital. In my own experience, I know that rejection can lead to suicide, but perhaps we are missing the point.

Can you explain what we are not understanding and how we can help you better?

James