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Severe anxiety about getting back with my ex partner

tayla0
Community Member

I was with my partner for 2.5years. He was my childhood sweet heart in the early years of highschool and we re connected when I was 23. Everything felt magical. Like the flame from highschool returned. Things were going great for the first 6-12 months. then he started to form little white lies that he would keep from me. I would find out and be super disappointed. I always forgave him. He kept up the lies, mostly around money/gambling. Every time I confront him about these lies, he gets really aggressive. He mentally abuses me and then when he sees how upset I am, he completely does a 360 and apologises and wants us to be happy. This has been occuring for 1.5 years now.

A week before xmas he lied to me again, my whole family found about his antics and they are not happy with him at all. They used to love him.I eventually went back to him as I was staying at my mums house for the week to help me clear my head. Him and I spoke and we decided that 2020 will be full of new beginnings. After having this conversation, I found out anther lie. He had deleted msgs & calls from his work collague. I packed up all my stuff and I left. He is saying nothing happened & he would never go there with another woman and I believe him.

When I was with him, I never completely trusted him because of the lies.Now that I have packed my stuff, he is suffering. He has packed up his stuff and is living in his car & says he is moving overseas as there is nothing left for him here.

I am due to move in to a flat on my own. I'm scared of feeling lonely. I have always had someone with me.

He is given me 2 wks to make up my mind whether i am going to go back to him or not

A part of me cant live without him and I wonder if I will regret not choosing him, as he is promising so many amazing things for us this year. I am suffering from huge fomo. I'm worried that he will move to another country and I wont have any contact with him. I'm worried ill miss him like crazy and want him back. im worried about him moving on and then not wanting me back.

A part of me is scared of this change of being alone and finding me more about myself and what i want in life.

He is an amazing, kind, generous funny man with a few issues and I think he will do right by me this time round. I'm worried ill be so heart broken and not get over him if he leaves.

He is telling me to move on but i know he doesnt want that. i know he loves me and wants to build a future and a family together.

can someone shed some light pls

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

I hope I can help. I'm 63yo and had numerous relationships including 4 long term ones over 7 years long and have been emotionally and physically abused. I see your problems very clearly.

We cant ignore logic in these situations and our emotions get in the way of that process, love in particular clouds the waters. You mention this in your words "He is an amazing, kind, generous funny man..." and those words sort of echo that you dont think you'll ever find another guy like him. That isnt true of course but that is what love does. In the meantime you have these credibility issues that HE created not you. Therefore it is he that has to change and sorry, one or two weeks doesnt change a person and this is what he expects of you, to use your love of him and a lever to trust him again will all those promises.

To add to the pressure his plan (threat?) to move overseas is akin to emotional blackmail, a do as I say or you'll lose me technique and do it within two weeks or else that's it. That kind of behaviour alarms me for a number of reasons. Firstly it ignores your need for time to sort yourself out and to get over the lies he has told continually, then it ignores your freedom to return to him by your own loving feelings and lastly, what is the rush? It seems quite selfish to place such demands upon you.

Love is suppose to be deeper than what he is displaying. If you for example told him that you are moving into this flat and you'd like to keep seeing him to monitor his progress with his promises of trust, for say 6 months or more, then hopefully you can make a decision some time during this year, if his love for you is that strong wouldn't he try and be devoted to that plan? Furthermore shouldn't he be grateful you have a door open for him to prove himself?

I'm sorry for being pessimistic with him. I think he could be rather immature and is used to getting things his own way and hasnt appreciated the person he has been with, to risk his relationship so easily.

A leopard doesnt change his spots.

In the meantime fill your life with activities, friends, sports, hobbies and remove your mind from this pressure. A good idea also is to limit his contact with you by phone to text only. That removes the emotion so you'll answer logically. He might not like that but it is easier for you to be decisive and firm.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/festering-issues-or-moving-on#qheCVnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Repost anytime

TonyWK

You are so damn right!

I feel extremely pressured. I finished work late last night and walked to my car and he was there. He explained he loved me and that he cant do life without me. After doing a long 14 hour shift, he said to make a decision before i leave to go home. I hada huge anxiety fit infront of him because he was demanding one of the biggest decisions I have to make.

We are messaging today and one minute he says thats it, I don't deserve you.. just forget about me and then a couple hours later, he says "where do we go from here? What do i have to do?"

He's very short tempered. I feel like if I tell him im moving on my own and need 6 months to clear my head (which i also agree with you to which i think I will definitely need) he will lose his mind and think I'm leading him on. What do I even respond to that? I know him very well, he'll think that I am sleeping with someone, may potentially put a GPS tracker on my car or something rational like that

I thinks its the heart break stage of moving on and actually letting him go, knowing that I'll never hear or speak to him again or know what he is doing with his life. Am I over reacting?

I went through a really bad break up a couple of years ago but that felt so minor compared to this relationship. I have really deep feelings for this one and finding it so hard not to text or call.

You have definitely showed me huge perspective. Thank you so much. You're message has really moved me tot he point where I'm crying. There are some really great people in the world!

And please, don't be shy to tell me how it is. I need to hear the harsh truth! I just want to start living a happy life already. I just don't know which path is going to create that happiness.