Separating and living together (kinda)

[skinnytony]

Ok this is my first post. My wife pulled the plug on our marriage on my first day on a new job. We’ve had issues (mainly that we rushed into marriage and others) so it isn't out of the blue but this time feels real. It’s been pretty rough because she’s away at a festival (working) where she parties every night (anxiety says: what else?) and I’m at home looking after our small child/working/stressing. She’s away for a month but when she gets back we will most probably live together while we figure out logistics.

I’ve realised that I’ve been emotionally closed off – part of a faulty coping mechanism – because of the issues we’ve been having. We’ve been off and on but I believe recently she’s only said we should be together because of convenience. She refused to see a marriage councillor together and blamed me for the problems in our relationship. I’m pretty sure it’s a dynamic where we both play a part and that this time could be a fruitful time where we learn and grow emotionally learning new tools such as communication etc. I didn’t want to leave the relationship without fighting for it but I’ve accepted that she wants to leave and I’m not going to beg to be together.

Last time we temporality separated under same roof it wasn’t good, she ended up seeing other people (her choice) and was sneaky about it (going out to go shopping for 4 hours etc). Was traumatic. We ended up reconciling though but I guess it was a bit of a sham.

It’s a stressful time now, she’ll return soon from the partying.

I don’t have a friendship network around me which is why I’m here I guess. I've come to realise the importance of telling people what's going on. It's hard to make new friends when there's so much chaos. I'm going to see a shrink (have done in the past).... She has a good friendship network.

We’ve talked about it and she’s said she’s not going to see other people until we sort everything out but she’s away at a festival and I’m not sure I can trust her and she might feel like that she doesn’t want to tell me that she’s seeing other people because we have to work out everything and live together for a while on her return.

I want her and myself to be happy and also what's best for our child.

Is the expectation that she doesn’t see other people realistic? Should we just see other people? Or at least try to.

Is there anything I should consider?

Any advice would be appreciated.

[white knight]

Hi ST, welcome

Ask 100 people and you'll get 100 different answers.

Your answer is the one that matter, your own gut feeling and even if you are in error (about her "seeing ither men" suspicion or rather, lavk of trust us enough to take action. But what action?

So here is my suggestion. At this stage it is reasonable, because you both have a child, to have a little hope her attitude will turn around. Gir this reason I'd move bedrooms the day before she arrived home. I'd treat her as a friend, a goal you would have post full separation.

I would then wait for her reaction. If she is upset that the relationship is terminal and...she tries hard to save it then counseling has hope.

If there is little concern then you can make discussion mainly to do with topics like shared custody, education and future expectations for your child. Then move out relatively soon so that friendship is pteserved and...often promoted.

I hope I've helped.

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hi Tony, and welcome to the forums.

I like Tony's first line and it's so true, and for her to see other people, well to expect something to happen will not make it happen, so you can never be sure even after making a verbal agreement and remember you can't be sure.

If you still have problems and don’t get the answers you want, the bad will soon outweigh the good, so how do you know what she wants to do.

She has ended the marriage and that's the hurdle you have to try and get over, and if she doesn't want marriage counselling, doesn't stop you from seeing your doctor.

It's not an easy situation as you have a child, but please if you can get back to us that would be great, especially when she returns from the festival.

Geoff.

[skinnytony]

Thank you TonyWK and Geoff for your thoughtful advice.

[WhiteBear]

Hi SkinnyTony
I thought I would respond to your post as I’m actually going through a very similar situation.
I’m currently going through a very recent separation. We still live together for financial reasons, and we also have 2 children together.

Its an extremely difficult situation, and near impossible to not be fearful of the future. The only advice I can provide to you is that you really need to look within yourself, without the emotions. Determine if your relationship with your partner has any future. Whether you believe it is over or its worth fighting for, the best thing you can do is be honest, and communicate.

For me, I realised at one point that I only got married out of fear. Fear of loneliness, fear of not having children. The love was just not strong enough and reciprocated. As a result I was depressed for nearly the entire marriage. I was constantly worried and thinking about a different future. We were always negative towards one another. Really not what you would call an ideal marriage.

Once I made the effort to communicate my concerns calmly, she really opened up, and we both felt the same way. We’re now working together to determine whats best for both of us and our children. Happiness is ultimately best for everyone.

I’m not saying this will happen to you. There is a very good chance you’ll discover the root cause of the problem, and manage to work things out. Just be honest and communicate. Avoid arguing or trying to prove a point, that will only lead to resentment. Be strong, caring and focus on a happy future for all.
Hope that helps.

All the best
WB

[skinnytony]

wow WB thank you for sharing that. I'd like to have as much insight as yourself to understand how we got to this point. Appreciate the support.