Sad, Tired and Confused

[Celery]

Im new here and today feeling overwhelmed. My heart feels like cold heavy stone in my chest. I am temporarily staying with a relative as i needed to get a diagnoses for my. MI which is major depression and PTSD. Been taking AD for 5 months and i donot feel any better. My partner of 6 yrs is thinking i am going to breeze in the door and be well again and just start where we left off. It has been suggested to me not to return as it is geo isolated with no solid MH services and i have no friends there. Also my partner uses weed but he is functional apart from being unemotional. I am at crossroads as i am fearful of the isolation but i have no way to start over again financially somewhere else. My partner has made it clear to me he will not relocate as he functions in isolation. I feel he is not concerned about me...just hopes he will get me back like i was before because this is my 3rd episode of MD and i recovered well previously but this time i feel tired and worn out and cant say thst im enthusiastic about our relationship. Is this the depression thinking or is it guilt in the background or is it the fear of not knowing how i will manage on my own. Im 58 and just feel so sad about this illness that has taken me hostage.

[kombitop]

Hi Celery,

I'm new here too..........just a few days. I often feel overwhelmed and get frustrated with medication.......want an instant fix! However, I'm adjusting to the fact that my mental health will ebb and flow, never disappear. It's not curable. I do my best, sometimes an hour at a time. I get help from like minded people, and keep my distance from others. I'm scared about my future. My fear can be crippling at times, but it passes. I can't manage on my own. Not my illness or my life.

[Celery]

Hi Kombitop, Thanks for your reply. I understand fully about your fear of the future..i gather you are of mature age and having MI makes it hard to keep or gain employment. I pray everyday will be better for me and i have hope. I never knew until recently that my MD is incurable as i tried so much to rid it and then realised i was doing more harm through resistance.. Im am slowly coming to a place of acceptance of my MI and seeking ways to manage it. When you say you entrust in like minded people...where do you find them? .. Yes i too want that instant fix with medication and it has worked well in the past despite taking a long while to come out of the depressive episode. My physcatrist wanted to add another medication to enhance my AD ...that meant i had to get regular blood tests. I refused it as i felt it was not right for me and i have had some unpleasant physical reactions to other meds. I take vitamin supplements as well..not sure how much they help but know they cannot do any harm.

[geoff]

hello Celery, well your situation involves all of three you have mentioned, they all go hand in hand, because once one of these starts to flare up then the other two jump on board.
Even when you are feeling better are you going to breeze through that front door, well , not necessarily so, because are you sure you want to still be with this partner, because don't forget, he is only thinking about himself, smoking weed to self medicate, so why is he going to worry about you, he doesn't want to relocate, he expects you to be there for him when he wants you and he smokes pot and wants you be automatically overcome with your depression, no it's not going to do you any good.
If you are receiving any centrelink benefits then they will provide the bond money so that you can move into a flat, plus you will get rent assistance, you can also contact 'housing.vic.gov.au' who could also help you into a flat at a cheap rental price, maybe in the country where there is mental health services, that's where I live. Geoff. x

[kombitop]

Hi Celery, and you're welcome.

Yes, I'm 53yo, and perhaps quite immature! I applied for a disability pension at my GP's insistence some years ago. It was very difficult for a self reliant person like myself. However, it was the beginning of knowing and accepting utter defeat..............people don't fight having cerebral palsy for example. Like minded people in my experience are like needles in a haystack.............rare and very hard to find. I also know they don't come knocking at my door..........I have to take action to find them, a small part of that search is coming here. Many times I've felt better, only to stop taking meds, not see the doctor, isolate and become intolerably lonely etc. Now I'm doing my best to continue doing what helps and keep doing it.

[Celery]

Hello Geoff, Thank you for your input. Yes I have been having a tug of war with this trying to define which problem is the truth..I feel when my emotions are at play I fall into denial as i dont want another failed relationship..when i was married to a problem drinker it took me 6 years to leave him and by that time my finances were ruined and i was very sick. I can see now this developed from watching my mother tolerate unacceptable violent behavior for 47 yrs which eventually was fatal in 2003. My ex was not physically violent​ to me but continued to beat up my sons from the age of 11 and i stood by and froze. I can never fully forgive myself for allowing it to happen. So my partner of now is not violent or controlling??..he just does not understand many things and i think it is because of the pot. I have always tried to find the good things in him .. i think i am doing the same as i did with my ex..maybe i am answering my own questions.

[Celery]

Why is my medication not working for me like it has in the past. I have been on AD for 5 months, came off a different one with terrible withdrawal symptoms and this was with a physcatrist. I have seen her 8 days ago and she wanted to add another med to enhance the AD this would mean blood tests regularly. I am not bipolar. I have been diagnosed with dysthymia and Ptsd, anxiety. I am having a rotten morning with tears and so worried i am not ever going to feel my old self. I have no support..when i try to talk to my son and his gf they simply vanish or tell me just keep taking the meds. I am staying with them as i left my home in rural qld and may not be going back as much i want to it is isolated. I keep the peace here as they can kick me out at anytime and i will have to live in my car. I am distraught today and just dont no what to do with myself. Has anyone got dysthymia and what do you do to help yourself. I have no friends here and i have not been out of the house for 3 days. I have a pshycologist appt in 2 days..i just want to feel better than i am and stop crying. How do i move on from this mess? I am trying to take one day at a time. I find it extremely difficult to make decisions with depression and when i do i then reneg on it as i get fearful that it is not right for me. In the past i have bounced back really well and i think of those good times..but this time its taking a long time and i think because i am not in my own home and enviroment its taking longer. This may be a ramble and hard to understand.