Resigning myself to being unhappy.

[Andrew_Andrew]

I have been in Oz for 17 years (originally from the UK). Met my wife (Australian) after a few months and been together ever since. We have 3 kids (8 and 4yo twins). My wife hates me, and so does her family, and I honestly don't know why. Was with them this Xmas and have had to leave and come back to Sydney because I was so unwelcome. All my blood family are in the UK, and I really don't have any friends, as those I had have all moved away bit by bit. All I have is my kids, and they are away still and won't be back for a week or more at least. My job is very unstable and I feel completely alone. I feel very down (have done for a long time), but now I seem to lack hope (I have given up on my wife's family taking me in, and on trying to understand why they hate me so much). So instead I am now feeling like I will always be unhappy. It's bleak, but I don't see how it gets better. I love my kids and they love me. If my wife and I stay together it's probably not fair on them, and if we break up I will literally have no-one and nowhere to go, so seeing them regularly will be very difficult. What do I do? I do want to feel happy, but I feel like there is no real hope.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Andrew_Andrew,

I’m so sorry, there’s nothing worse than being around people who don’t like you and make you feel terrible. I was in an abusive relationship for many years and as part of the abuse my ex-partner made me out to be this terrible high-maintenance person and turned his family against me with his lies and exaggerations. Ironic because, while he was doing that behind my back, I was busy covering up his abuse so that my family wouldn’t think less of him. The sad fact is that your wife is likely poisoning people against you, and as her family they are probably pretty willing to take her side. These are not your people, as simple as that. Which means that you have a hard decision to make, keep people in your life around you who hate you and make you feel bad for yourself and allow them to take up that space. Or remove them from your life and allow enough space for people who are kind and compassionate and loving into your life. You could perhaps try a merging of methods at the moment, ie minimizing the time spent with these people and go out and pursue friends etc who can enrich your life and shift your compass a bit to balance out all the hate?

[Guest_1584]

Hi there op.

Man that's a tough one for sure and l'm so sorry about everything . Mari age wise , l'm no longer qualified to comment tbh as we split at 20yrs.

In laws though yeah , that l do know about bc l lived that too the whole time. First they liked me but then they didn't as l began to see their ways and they knew it. But they were the only family she had so l never said anything bad or ran them down and just put up with it.

Sat through many a Christmas day being ignored though and ha, ex never even seemed to notice. Even yrs later when we'd divorced l saw them said hello but l was completely snubbed, not even an acknowledgement. Unfortunately we can choose our partner but not the in laws l always say and that stuff can happen with any couple anywhere of any nationality . My partner of since, her parents live os but she's just quite content here with her own life so l struck gold on that one for sure but l think we'd like ea other though if we ever did meet.

Mind you , it's never happened and l might've been wrong.

The rest , so sorry about it all. There are places and organizations for dads though thank the Gods and if you dig about you should be able to find them talk about everything and hopefully get some help and guidance. Might be a good place to start.

Take care

rx

[Summer Rose]

Hi Andrew Andrew

I’m really sorry to hear about the issues you’re facing. I can understand your distress.

I am also from overseas and married to an Aussie. His family are very different to any other people I know or I’ve ever met. After 30 years I have a genuine love for his brother and his kids and grandkids, but the rest I know I would likely never see again if I didn’t have to.

Missing my family and realising early on his family were not going to give me what I need, I made my close friends my family.

These are families that we formed friendships with when our children were in primary school.

Christmas Eve is with “my family” and Christmas Day with his, unless we are travelling overseas.

You can create your own sense of family with effort.

As for a wife that hates you, doesn’t sound good for anyone. Can you two work on it? Marriage counselling? 
If there is no hope, I would encourage you to put some effort into creating and strengthening your social networks. Think about work colleagues, neighbours and networking with other parents at your children’s school and extra curricular activities and, if you have, time taking up a sport/activity to help you meet people.

Kind thoughts to you 

[geoff]

Hello Andrew_Andrew, it just doesn't seem right to be a father of 3 kids who are young and not be loved by your wife, nor her family, but have known a couple of people who have been to a mediator and discussed sharing the kids 50/50.

The children are better off in two happy households, rather than one unhappy family living together and can adjust to this arrangement very quickly.

If your job is unstable and not sure whether or not you will have one tomorrow, then Centrelink can provide you with the bond money and 2 weeks rent, which you pay back over time and the op shops can also provide you with furniture.

Your kids will then celebrate their birthday, Xmas twice which is exciting for them.

Please ask any question you want.

Geoff.

Life Member.