Relationship anxiety 😬
ok so I have recently entered a relationship with this guy who was previously my best friend. We’re both 18 and have become increasingly closer over the past few months and have now decided to try dating. I am really into him, and I get the sense that he is into me as well but there are certain things that are just making me question things a bit.
Prior to dating, as best friends, we used to joke about getting married and moving in together and moving overseas and our future together and it was all fun and games. I could tell him absolutely anything without any worry or anxiety.
Now, in the relationship, there are two sides. On the one hand, he is amazing and romantic and makes me feel so special and I walk around with the biggest smile on my face when we’re talking. But on the other, he never makes any effort. I always have to plan dates, and push for conversation. He doesn’t hold my hand, or cuddle me or kiss me - I have to initiate those things for him.
Tonight he texted asking to meet up as I was near his place for work. I texted 10 minutes later saying I would love to and he responded saying he was home now and pretty tired. I am really upset about that but I’m also worried I’m overreacting. We’ve only been together for 2 weeks after all.
Please help!! Now sitting at home wondering if I should be putting as much effort in as I am (but I know when I see him tomorrow all those feelings will dissipate immediately).
Maybe just take a step back for a bit and force him to take the initiative a bit. He might not be doing it on purpose but he might just be finding it easier that he doesn’t have to do anything and so isn’t trying. But that obviously isn’t what you want or is making you feel particularly special, so just stop doing it. If he likes you, he’ll come to you. And if he doesn’t, then maybe raise it with him and tell him how it makes you feel. But I think give him the opportunity first.
so in the end this relationship didn’t work out - and that was for a number of reasons. We both said things we shouldn’t have and ended up breaking up after a fight. Whilst this was the prompt, there were already so many red flags for me and reasons it just wouldn’t work.
So we dated for around a month, maybe a month and a half. It was not a long relationship, there was no deeper feelings, there was no physical attraction (on my part at least) and I realised I largely was only with him because I liked the feeling of having someone to hold hands with or cuddle. There was no genuine attraction and I think it was largely based on the fact that we were friends prior - for me, whilst I thought that would make the transition easier, it actually made it impossible for me - I learned the true meaning of what it feels like to kiss someone and it feel like you’re kissing your brother. We were too close.
So I broke up with him. It wasn’t totally amicable (despite what we’d hoped) and we didn’t talk for almost 2 months. In that time I have thought a lot and I’m worried now that I’m thinking about it too much.
I can’t seem to forget or move on and it scares me because I know the relationship wasn’t working but for some reason I miss it so much. I messaged him recently and he did come back saying we were cool now and he’d see me around. We go to the same university so that was important for me. My biggest thing now is why can’t i get over this??
I mean for goodness sake I broke up with him surely I shouldn’t be thinking about him this much?? I just don’t know what to do...
any advice is appreciated,
I’m sorry things worked out like that for you. Although from what you say, it does sound as though this was for the best. The way I see it is, the start of a relationship should be the best bit, this is the romance phase and if someone can’t be bothered to make an effort at this point or everything is too hard, imagine what they would be like during hard times in your life such as illness or when you have kids for example. I know you are only 18 so all that seems far off but you want someone who’s going to bother to make the effort for you. Your ex does sound very immature and posting on his wall has not had the desired effect, rather it’s reinforced what you already knew, which makes your life earlier.
As far as why you are still having trouble moving on, I think that’s to be expected. I’ve always grieved the end of any relationship I’ve had, even if I left it and I knew it was the right thing to do. More often than not I was grieving what I hoped the relationship would be but wasn’t, sometimes it was just the company/affection that I missed. Regardless of what happened, you were friends, and so I think that’s understandable. You have a lot of support around you, which is great, enjoy going out with friends and dating, and you will meet someone who makes you not question any of these things. I wish you all the best with it xx