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relationship affected by trust issues and anxiety

Community Member

a while ago my partner found out about someone I've been with in the past, which I did not want to happen, I did not consent. it happened over a year ago, before I was with my partner. when he asked me about it I lied at first and said it didn't happen. I know its wrong to lie but I was so terrified he would judge me, but also Ive been lying to myself ever since it happened, trying to convince myself that it never happened.

he didn't believe my lie, and I told him the truth. He got so mad at me for lying, and doesn't believe the truth. We are still together but he says he feels 'different' about me, and seems like he doesn't care yet he still says he loves me.

I love him so much, and it hurts so much because I'm the bad person because I lied. but I still have to find a way to forgive myself for what happened to me. I wish he would understand that I lied because I was scared, and I was sexually assaulted yet I am the bad person in this because I lied. I'm so upset and I keep worrying. I already have anxiety and I am constantly panicking because I'm worried he's going to break up with me.

I don't know if I should let it go, or try and find a way to work things out

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi 88, welcome

This event has rocked you and if I was in your shoes I'd likely do the same as you've done...why? Because you didnt want him to know.

Sharing every thought and pledging 100% total honesty in a relationship is what fairytales are made from. We all sneek a chocolate at the checkout or a dim sim at the servo. These white lies if confronted are normal imo. But what happened to you is extremely personal and you have the right to conceal it.

So what I suggest is make an appointment at a counselor to sort it out. If he doesnt attend then you can attend by yourself but dont let on the details of your meetings as he has the opportunity to go if you are important enough.

Thats my view.

Good luck.


Community Member

Hi 88

I have been in a very similar situation- but in HIS shoes.

I wasnt lied to but was withheld from me for a little while. I already had anger issues and the news sent me up the wall, although the anger was with them i still feel she may have seen it as directed at her. Without knowing who this person is, im assuming a little bit- but please dont provide information that you dont feel comfortable with- but it was hard for me relationship wise even though i wasnt angry with her. I never sought help for that particular issue, and even now it occasionally gets into my head (i found out well over 10 years ago now)

Basically my point is that looking back i did feel different with her because of what happened even though it wasnt fair on her as it wasnt her fault. Give it time and he may need help on his own so he can honestly and openly tell them how he feels. With you there he might hold back, i would have just so not to hurt her more.