Relationship advice appreciated, I have a boyfriend but met someone new recently

[scallopsarenice]

I met the other person (Adam) at work… just several weeks ago, and we hit it off immediately. We have been seeing each other a couple times a week now regularly outside of work, going on dates. When we met we spoke about our past relationships. I did tell him a had a boyfriend however, so I thought that would be it. We hung out after work, that night I went back to his place and we watched some Netflix and just chatted as friends. Next day we hung out again, and we had a long convo about our troubles and I also talked about how I have a friend with benefits, one thing led to the next and we were in bed together.

The physical chemistry is great and I actually really enjoy it with Adam; prior I have not enjoyed it as I have had some bad experiences. He also ticks a lot of boxes in terms of my ideal guy in terms of height, body type/build, career & education, life goals just to name some.

The problem is I have a boyfriend. We live together and it’s been difficult for me to explain where I’ve been and who with lately (to which I just lie anyway). It also makes any potential breakup even more difficult. I don’t want to break his heart because he thinks that we’re going to be together forever. My family loves him as well.

In general my relationship with my bf (half a year younger than me, Tom) is loving and great but lacking in the physical compatibility department. I don’t even like kissing him sometimes, and view him more as a best friend nowadays. Tom has a great personality, really loves me, wants to trust me (he doesn’t know abt my cheating). For Tom, I’m his first girlfriend and he hasn’t had experience. I don’t know if I can marry someone who physically is incompatible but compatible personality and interest-wise. I feel he lacks the desirable characteristics and street smart skills that Adam has, but again Adam is older.

I want to find out more about Adam first before I make any life changing decisions.

I was told that work flings dont usually work out, or that people wouldn’t date and trust someone who was already in a relationship when they met.

Should I keep seeing Adam and see how things go? Should I break up with my current bf?

Im worried this is some kind of honeymoon stage and that the same cycle will repeat. I really do want Adam to like me and for us to become something but it’d be at a huge cost and gamble at this stage. Another option would be to stop seeing Adam despite how much I like him right now, and get back to my relationship with Tom

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I know you don't want to lose Tom to chase Adam if it might not work out, but you have to think about how unfair your actions are to Tom. It is not fair to him that you are unknowingly going off exploring other options while in a relationship with him. He deserves to know what you have been up to with Adam. 

You have decided to be intimate with Adam and that will have consequences, such as your relationship. If it was me, and I really liked Adam, I would have broken it off with Tom before doing anything intimate out of respect for him. It is your choice at the end of the day, whether you tell Tom about it or not, but you can't have both - you need to choose, and stop seeing one of them. Out of fairness to everyone involved, including Adam even though he is aware of your relationship with Tom. 

Work flings are also difficult, speaking from experience.

I hope you work things out,

Jaz

[tranzcrybe]

Planting a sapling takes years to reach fruition, but with nurturing and attention to shape and form, it becomes strong and healthy providing shelter and security. It often carries more significance to the planter for their efforts.
Replanting an established tree, while instantly gratifying, requires the right conditions and ongoing maintenance just to survive and its place is tentative for some time before it can settle and thrive.

While both outcomes yield similar results, only one has a history.

Experience can be a blessing and a curse in relationships - knowing what to say/do and when, can quickly beguile the unwary... or the dissatisfied.

Discuss with Tom how the relationship is presently measured (acquaintance, boyfriend, partner, or even more) and address any differences as a priority. Then you can pursue your interests with a clear conscience once all cards are on the table.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You began your relationship with Tom some time ago and when you did, you would have been content with his physique at that time. However things can change and you are no longer attracted to him, that's ok, it happens, you need to break away from him regardless of Adam. So, I would have a mature calm meeting with Adam and let him know that your feelings for him are strong and he is what you'd like to explore the possibilities BUT, you need to also tell him that you need time (no longer than 2 weeks imo) to sever your current relationship and make residential changes.

I know there is side issues with Tom, family likes him, you dont want him hurt etc but as you are not "in love" with Tom you should imo leave and try to remain friends if you want that.

In life we should strive to be fair and kind to others we are about to leave as well as honest with tact. That's the goal of dignity and being humane.

Good luck

TonyWK