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Rebuilding relationship after anger

Community Member

A while ago I moved to Canada to be with my relatively new but amazing boyfriend, we spent two months living together there, before I came back to Australia for Christmas. In Canada I was fairly depressed and lacking in purpose, which led to our problems.

I had a lot of particularly angry outbursts, in which I said, and did, a lot of hurtful stuff. It was very Jekyll and Hyde and caused both of us to feel insecure within the relationship. I feel like I had no control of my emotions, and tiny things would spiral into the worst arguments.

I'm heading back to Canada soon and feeling less depressed but now anxiety is kicking in as I'm unsure he truely wants me to come back. He has told me he can forgive but not forget what I've said and done, and that he never knows what to expect from my moods.

I'm unsure of how to repair the damage I've done and to show him I'm less angry. I'm looking into therapy and an anger management course but I suspect he'll expect instant results.
Any ideas on repairing a damaged relationship Beyond Blue crew? Or will we always have this hanging over us?

3 Replies 3

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi jellies

Every relationship is different. However, with my wife and I because we ate both combative verbally years ago we embarked on some ground rules based on our earlier experiences

Following or during an argument we-

Never leave the property and that of course includes driving.

one person seeks time out

Often it means I go to my shed. One rule is not to immediately follow the other on the basis a person has a right to time out.

After about 20-30 minutes one if us is calm enough to seek a conversation. So person A asks person B if he/she would like a coffee

If person B declines the offer person A returns indoors. Then it is up to person B to, when they are ready, to approach person A for a drink.

This procedure works for us because it allows each person to be fully calmed down before a Reconciliatory chat. It also safeguards a person right to a calm environment, an escape if you will without being hounded.

So, if he is serious in trying out new ideas all you can do is think up some concepts and go for it on the understanding it will need fine tuning.

By the way, the rule we introduced of not driving was made because one of us took off in a rage once. It was not only dangerous but it worried the one left behind. We decided it was a stupid act and that led to the rule.

I hope others contribute with this. You van only do your best.

Tony WK

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Jellies, I'm sorry for how this has happened, and pleased that you want to address your anger issues, however it's good to say that you are feeling less depressed but this has come about by being by yourself and not in relationship and perhaps it may have been better to have your anger therapy before you went back to Canada, sorry, but I'm saying this because what happens if a disagreement ocurrs with your b/friend, because this will be the real test whether or not he wants you back.
I really want you to get back and enjoy the love that you had with your b/friend, because you must be missing him, so that's lovely.
Basically to repair this relationship means that if a disagreement starts then you back off and walk away for a short period, because any arguments only disappoint the both of you, as there doesn't seem to be any satisfactory solution, so this is where your anger may return.
You have to keep in mind that he didn't like this part of you, but it's not to say that you have to accept everything he wants, because that wouldn't be fair for you.
Please try an anger course but also can I suggest seeing a psychologist as well, as the two of these will make you the person you want to be.
There has to be a compromise for any relationship to last, and I hope this happens for the two of you. Geoff.

Community Member

Hi Jellies,

Remember, actions speak louder than words. You can reassure him that things will change, but unless they actually do then it won't get better.

I'm a prime example of this. I have serious anger issues and had a very negative attitude about myself and other people. My now wife has shown me that through the power of positive thinking and meditation that I can improve and without even thinking about she says I'm way better than I used to be, even if I do fly off the hinge a little bit still.

I'd personally suggest that while you can get professional help, consider a few simple exercises in which to stay calm when things get heated. I used to need a time-out and would simply have a magic word in order to be left alone. Recently, I was watching a documentary and some advice given through that was to simply ask myself when I get angry, 'is this helpful?'. I have been doing that over the last week, which has been stressful for me through a job change, and has worked great.

Hope this advice helps you and good luck! You seem to really want this to work out so reassure him that you will do your best, but keep moving!