"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

[prairievole]

I decided to make a this post because i just finished reading a post by a young woman who had her first experience being used by a guy. Many of the posters said encouraging, comforting things AND many of them also said something to the effect of "someone will come along who appreciates you", "one day it will happen i promise" and "when you least expect it you'll find love". I'm so angry when people say this because sometimes it's not true. And it makes people like me feel even worse about ourselves because if most people find love after many bad experiences, then there really must be something wrong with me, because i still haven't.

I'm 32, so i have maturity to help me in these experiences. I'm good looking and outgoing and friendly (not that that matters at all). I'm educated and reasonable and have researched many different approaches to interacting with men. Yet not a single guy i have ever engaged with has ever wanted anything more from me than using me for sex just a few times (if i'm lucky) or just once if i'm not.

I have tried soooo many different approaches - i've tried meeting people organically, meeting them online. I have been on dozens of dates. I have tried being clear about what i want. I have tried being more relaxed and 'going with the flow'. I have tried setting boundaries. I have tried just living in the moment and appreciating someone's company. I have tried being elusive. I have tried being upfront. I have tried not caring. I have tried with wildly different men from different walks of life, and different appearances. Not a single man that i have been interested in has ever been interested in me. Sometimes they are upfront about it after a date. Sometimes they lead me on for sex. Sometimes they deliberately lie (for sex).

How do i cope with this? Knowing that there must be something wrong with me. I have tried so many other avenues for finding happiness but realised in my early 30s that all i really wanted was to give love, be loved, and have the chance at having a family. And still people lie and tell me "it will happen". If they'd told me that 10 years ago, i'd have believed them. If they told me that 5 years ago, i'd still have believed them. But now, it's proven to be false.

[Sadwombat]

Hi Prairievole,

I understand how you feel it sucks to be alone, but at 32 there is no gaurentee you will be alone forever. Of course life holds no gaurentees you will find someone either and it's not fair. A lot of good people are lonely. I am too.

I was in a relationship I thought was wonderful,( we were together 6 years) to have everything fall apart three weeks before the wedding (that was cancelled, I was lucky not to marry him). He was cheating on me online with a 'woman' who turned out to be an internet scammer who he gave over $200k too. Now he lives with his mother. He was cheating online for at least three years. And most of that time I was trying to conceive a baby with him. Believe me a bad relationship is worse then being single. at least my ex wasn't violent, but so many people think they understand what it's like to really have your heart broken when they don't. I have been depressed for the last two years.

Right now I am actually too depressed to date.

Although I have no advice I just wanted to let you know I understand your pain. I am 36yrs old and fear I'll never have children. Being alone when most people are in a couple is hard. Even vacations are more expensive lol. Christmas especiallly reminds me of how lonely I am watching my extended family with their husbands and children.

I still think as others suggested talking to a psychologist might be a good idea. If you have depression there is help.

[JessF]

Hello prairievole, I can see this is quite a hot topic but I could't resist putting in my two cents with a different take.

There's a number of your points I could pick up on (saying you would rather have a bad relationship than be single I think is problematic for a number of reasons) but I'll leave them as others have addressed them in different ways, some of which have seemed to upset you.

In one of your posts above you say you're not asking for a solution to this problem, but how to cope with a life where you feel you can't have the only thing that makes you happy.

Perhaps a change in persepctive might be needed here. Think of people who lose the ability to walk, for example, through an accident or other misfortune. Think of the adjustment that has to occur in those lives when dreams are lost. Imagine the person who has been a fit, active outdoors person who suddenly cannot walk anymore. There are two paths here: wither on the vine, or adjust and find new things to be passionate about that give you the same feeling of connection, of achievement.

There are many things in life that we want but cannot have, for varying reasons. Perhaps you could start by figuring out what kind of person you think you would be in a romantic relationship. How would things be different from how they are now? Is there another way to achieve these same feelings?

[Birdy77]

Very insightful Jessica Fletcher