Post Natal Depression

[Mamma2019]

So I have an 8 month old son, I love him to bits and he's a pretty easy baby but since having him I struggle to find any excitement and interest in what I used to to. I rode motorbikes, went to the river and enjoyed water sports, I was very work orientated. This whole transition into being a mum has hit me like a tonne of bricks, my partner and I are currently building a house and he's balancing a day job and 2 separate businesses so he is constantly busy and stressed and quite absent even when he's at home.

It's causing a lot of grief in our relationship, he points the finger at me and clearly states I have issues which I know I do but I feel like once I go back to work in the new year and our house is built and he is around more I might feel a bit more positive and start feeling normal again, but it's getting to that point that's killing us. He isn't patient with how I feel and I know I say the wrong things but I can't help it, and him snapping at me is making me feel a million times worse.

He's offered to look after our son so I can have some "me" time, but I'm finding it so hard to even want to leave them. We might be lucky to have one day a week together and it's spent at home doing nothing because he's so tired from work but I obviously want to be around them so I don't go out.

Our relationship and my mental state is suffering, I'm taking my frustration out on my partner and our son and going to the gym or seeing friends during the week isn't helping either.

I have no options, I can't force being positive and happy.

[smallwolf]

Hi Mamma2019,

welcome to beyond blue.

Something which you might think would bring joy into your life turns out to be the opposite. Going from an active life and work oriented life to what you doing now having a dramatic effect on you. When you combine all the things your partner is doing - work, businesses and stressed. And building a house! I could guess that he projects his stress towards you, and you feel worse.

On not doing anything at home because he is sooo tired... do you think that both of you could plan in advance a "date" at home? Rather than coming home stressed, he might be able to plan for the occasion?

Can I ask if both of you are able to have a conversation about the situation (where you speak in "I" terms on how you feel)? (And hopefully it does not become an argument.)

There are other users on the forum who have been through what you are experiencing. I also know of some people as well who sought professional help.

Lastly, I use an app called virtual hope box. Perhaps you could try it - it contains some distraction and coping tools. One of the games i used to play a lot was a work search game that used words like LOVE, AFFIRM, YES, AGREE, CARING, DELIGHT. I agree that you cannot force yourself to be happy, but that tool got me through the worst times.

See also...

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/postnatal-depression

I am listening and hope you come back to tell more of your story.

Tim

[White_Rose]

Dear Mamma

Welcome to the forum. Congratulations on the birth of your son.

You are quite right, I can't force being positive and happy. You may not have full-blown PND but certainly something is amiss. I think most people do not realise that giving birth can be exhausting on its own. Your body has changed from being active and healthy to having different hormones running around accommodating all these changes in readiness for the birth of your baby. Then they change again to produce milk and help feel good about caring for your baby. It doesn't happen overnight and doesn't disappear at the snap of fingers.

You can feel tired more than usual and have other body reactions. This is where you need to see your GP or obstetrician and get checked out. Have a look under The Facts at the top of the page and read the information about pregnancy and early parenthood. I think you will find this very helpful. You can download the fact sheets to your computer and show your husband. Perhaps he does not understand how long standing it can be to recover from giving birth.

I was like this after I had my fourth child. Not a happy place to be and so full of guilt. Your husband is right in one respect. You do need some time to yourself. Leave baby with dad and go somewhere nice. Do not stay at home as it will not work that way. No need to go for the day. Coffee with friends, see a film, have a massage, something enjoyable. It can make you feel so refreshed.

This does call for you to go out somewhere. You will not improve your health by saying you don't want to do anything. It means you need to take charge of your own health and actively work to get well. Sorry to sound brusque. I have been in your position and I do know how I felt which sounds similar to you. In the end we all need to take responsibility for ourselves. This has the great spin-off of getting well and helping your family.

But first off, see your doctor and get thoroughly checked. PND is not nice and may well not be what's happening with you. Certainly if it is you can start getting help. Read the information above and give it to your husband so both of you know what to expect. Please post in again.

Mary

[Mamma2019]

Thanks for your prompt reply, Tim.

I did mention that we need to set a date night at least once a month with just us two, as we tried to do a bit of nibbles and drinks around the bonfire last weekend but our son is going through a bit of a sleep regression which ended up me trying to settle him until midnight and our night alone went straight out the window.

He agrees on all that I am saying, but in a heated moment he doesn't stop and think that I might be making a comment out of pure anxiety or depression.

We communicate best over text message, which is unfortunate considering our ages but we can't yell and talk over each other this way. I've explained to him yet again today that he has to bear with me whilst I take the time to find myself again, but I just know next argument we have he will forget that and blame me again 😞

I just want my old, bubbly, happy self back.

It feels good talking to someone about it, as when I talk to him it turns into an argument.

[Mamma2019]

Hi Mary,

I completely agree, even on a full nights sleep I can still feel so drained. I can't catch up on sleep during the day either. We've been going through a bit of a leap/sleep regression so it's taking its toll even more and I'm getting frustrated that my partner sleeps straight through it.

I will have a look at the post, and I probabaly should get checked out as I've never had any form of check ups since giving birth. Thanks!

I know I need to get out more than anything, my partner built me a bike trailer to make it easier to me to go for a ride and he's so supportive with all of that but then the guilt sets in. He's working just as hard and needs a break too and I feel like by me making him stay at home with a child all day isn't the break he needs and he will burn himself out just as much.

My mum has been great, but I feel guilty yet again asking her to take care of our son to have a bit of alone time with my partner, it's always so hard asking for help.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mamma

Thanks for your reply. I am so pleased you are going to see your GP. It's amazing how relatively small things can get into our lives and cause a disproportionate huge problem. I realised yesterday that I had been given the same prescription by two different doctors I had been prescribed the medication, which I was taking a considerably high dose. I contacted my GP who told me dose I should take. Then a made a call to my pharmacist to talk about side effects. It was fairly time consuming though it doesn't sound like it when I write.

The reason I am telling you this is because it's easy to think we are on the right road, often because of our fellow travellers, but realise we have a different need. I certainly did not need that volume of medication. I could have left it until I see the haematologist in five days time but by today it was obvious I was not doing well. The point is that it was up to me to take charge of what was happening.

This is what I want you to know. We do need to use our wings to fly. Staying at home is just putting off the decision for a while and telling yourself what a horrible person you are for even thinking about adding to your partners woes. He may well be quite excited to have the baby to himself for a day or or even have any time off. So much has been overhauled when we talk about depression and sleep deprivation. It makes me tired to even think of it.

Great your partner has given you a day off. You can start by talking to your self and have a chat with myself. It is always the what happen but will pas.

Don't restrict Tjr people living terewhuch ie to tave worth,

[smallwolf]

Hello again,

I cannot remember how old my children were before they would go a full night without a feed. From experience there were/are financial pressures when a baby comes on the scene, when you drop to a single income. There are other things I could talk about. However you are a super person being able to raise your baby and be there for your husband also. It is not easy. For what it is worth, my wife was the one to sleep through and I did the night duty.

I wonder if you might be able to say more about feeling guilt asking your mum for help?

My mum moved to the same city after my kids had grown up a bit. However my brother has 2 kids that are primary school age now, but parents were around for their birth as well. Anyway, mum has helped them for many and different reasons. I don't know what your relationship with your mum is like, but its OK to ask for help.My nephews see their grandmother just about every 2nd day. Rather than thinking about it as asking for help, see it as a way of grand mother daughter bonding time. Might be a stretch to talk about independence. Guess I am suggesting looking for ways to reframe those thoughts.

Lastly, I would settle our kids (assuming it was not feeding time) by reading to them - it would be one of my books, for the record. It was better than watching the infomercials on TV. When you are tired it is hard. At the same time, taking a deep breath and getting frustrated was not going to help.

You will both get through this period. You may go back to some of your older lifestyle, or find something new to pursue. Just remember that you are doing a wonderful job as mother, wife, daughter, etc.

Tim