Possible new stepdad, don't know how I feel about this

somekid · ‎11-05-2022

lately my (single) mother has been looking for a new relationship. just last Friday I found out I was an illegitimate child and my real dad had refused to marry my mother once she was pregnant. obviously this struck a huge mental blow to me, given I'm in year 7. since then I've been feeling horrible. my mum has been looking to get in a relationship with a friend of hers whom I personally dislike. I don't know him well and am afraid that this would cause a rift in our relationship. my mum has become increasingly hostile to me and my questions. I'm afraid of abandonment, that my mum would ignore/neglect me to pursue this new man. I haven't been sleeping well, I've let tears and emotions get the better of me at school, and I'm prone to bouts of crying. I don't know if anyone's there for me - the only people I can talk to have sided with my mother. I feel distant and I feel like my life is falling apart.

somekid · ‎11-05-2022

forgot to add - I've been told I'm overreacting, which might be true. am I really just overreacting and stupid?

Sophie_M · ‎11-05-2022

Hi somekid,

Welcome to the forums. We know it isn’t easy sharing your first post, and being so open, but we think it’s a great thing to do. Thanks for sharing what’s going on in your family. We’re sorry to hear you’re feeling really worried about how your mum’s desire for a new partner will affect your relationship with her. It sounds like the news you had about your birth father would have been really difficult to cope with too.

That’s a lot – so if you’d like a bit of help with processing it, remember there are a few places you can reach out to anytime who’d be really happy to talk this through with you. If there’s a counsellor at school, they’d be a good start. If that sounds a bit full on right now, there’s our lovely Support Service team, on 1300 22 4636 or online. There’s also our friends over at KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, and Headspace on 1800 650 890– we’ve heard great things about each of these services from young people like yourself who just want a bit of help getting through big news and big changes in their lives.

We’re sure we’ll hear from the Forums community here, once they spot your post. In the meantime, here’s a few bits and pieces online we thought you might find interesting:

We hope some of that is helpful, somekid. Feel free to come back to your thread whenever you feel comfortable, we’re here to help you work through this.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

white knight · ‎11-05-2022

Hi, welcome

I'm so gald you came here and posted. It wasnt only very brave but I think we can help you.

I'm 66 yo, I've got a daughter that has had 2 step mums. I've had one 10 year relationship that I was a step dad for her two children. I've had lots of problems and had to overcome them with step parenting.

The first thing I noticed and it sticks out a lot, is that you claim you said- "I dont know him well". I can say from lots of life experiences that many times I felt I dont like someone then once I get to know them, I find I grow to like them. Your feelings could be influenced with some level of jealousy in that suddenly you realise you have to "share" your mum. This is also very normal for your own feelings. It isnt unusual at all. Dont feel like a fool, I felt the same at 40 years old!

Some thoughts can also be unrealistic. Like your fear of "abandonment". Your mum isnt going to leave you. That is the jealousy playing up again. If your thoughts are fake then try to discount them because your emotions react to your thoughts and all of a sudden its sadness and panic.

I think your mum is reacting in a hostile way because she feels she needs and want the love of a boyfriend but feels your fear and apprehension. She would love for you to think of her needs and wish her well, give her your blessing. A big part of maturing is to think of other people before you think of your own feelings. I think that is your challenge, to portray some grown up attitudes by telling your mum that you have had fear of abandonment and thats why you have not given her your blessing. At the same time tell her you want her to be happy and that you hope to grow to like this man that also want love and companionship.

All of this is why others have sided with your mum. But all is not lost, you can fix this quite easily in fact.

I say "easily" but for you it is a challenge. Firstly, ask your mum if you can have a chat alone, make sure its in a quiet place uninterrupted. Say to her things like "I'm sorry for being an obstruction to you and your new love in your life, I've been possessive because of fear, I dont know him well at all and have prejudged him. I want you to be happy mum and I need help to get to know him better, I want to give him an opportunity to get to know me as well, but I do love you mum and worry your heart will be broken".

In fact if you choose to you can even show her this post so she can read it.

Reply anytime

TonyWK

jaz28 · ‎11-05-2022

hi there,

i am sorry to hear you're having a tough time. this must be a hard time for you.

like tony said, have you considered meeting your mothers partner? you might be pleasantly suprised, i have a step dad and at this point he is a second dad to me. when i first met him, i was skeptical too.

is there a school counsellor or doctor you can speak to about this?

hope things improve,

jaz xx