Porn in marriage

[Fifi14]

Hi everyone, a few months ago two days before our family vacation I accidentally stumbled upon porn sites on my husbands phone. There was a few videos in his history. When I confronted him he first denied it. The next day he blamed my teenage son for viewing it on his phone. Few days later he came clean but then said he did not really watch it and was researching sexual techniques to please me. What does he take me for? How can I believe him about this or ever again. I feel like I'm losing my mind. He just wants me to forget and move on. The images plays over and over in my mind. I'm broken angry and can't seem to get past this. I felt very distant in our sex life for a while and when sibling upon this it makes me think is this why I feel our intimacy is so cold and feel as if this thinking of someone else. I am hurting so much and feel like I want to hurt him physically mentally emotionally. He was my best friend and now I've lost that faith and trust. What if he is telling the truth but then again why on websites? I just need the truth. Is there anyone going through what I am at the moment I need some advice help or someone to tell me am I crazy to act this way? Thank you

[white knight]

Hi fifi, welcome

This is subjective so its my own opinion.

This is highlighting your own insecurities. (I dont mean it if I upset you).

Perhaps because he hasnt got a sex life he finds fulfilling for whatever reason he is moving to other means to find variety.

I think viewing porn is not a terrible thing and for some people c they could use videos for stimulous.

Although I have these views I feel that an appointment with Relationshops Australia would be of great benefit.

Best of luck.

Tony WK

[SubduedBlues]

Hi Fifi, welcome to BB

I am not endeavoring to shift blame, but I wonder how you confronted him about it. As if he felt threatened, either by your tone or expressions, he could have quite easily become defensive about it and gone immediately into a state of denial as he was subconsciously afraid of your reaction and the repercussions therefrom. And, only later, when his fears calmed down, did the guilt of lying overcome him and he owned up to the act.

When it comes to pleasing our partners, men do not ask other men how to please their partner. Doing so would make him open to ridicule for not being able to satisfy his woman. He certainly isn't going to ask another woman, as that could quite easily be misconstrued as a come-on. And asking his woman isn't always the easiest thing either, there are a lot of insecurities about whether she will or will not help him discover more about how to please her. The most probable outcome is that she accuses him of not paying attention to her. Thus, the only place left is the internet (i.e. porn).

A good (female) friend of mine once told me: "I don't mind where he gets his appetite, so long as he only eats at home." I guess what I am saying is, don't be too hard on the guy for trying to make your tuck and tumble a bit more enjoyable/memorable for you.

Hope this helps
SB

[monkey_magic]

Hi Fifi,

I'm not sure if this is going to help you but my ex introduced me to porn so obv he'd been watching it before we even met. So, I watched it, and I actually gained from it. I even watch it to this day on my own ( I am female). My friend ( also female) watches it sometimes as well.

When I was in the relationship i kept an open mind. He wasn't physically cheating just watching porn. I think it's natural for men to look at other women and we have a curious nature to explore things.

I also think it's natural to feel jealous, angry, upset, but your feelings of wanting to hurt him physically, mentally,emotionally are a bit extreme I think.

In most cases there's a man in the videos so he's watching adults being adults broadening his horizons. It would be different if he was out there cheating on you so it's not the worst thing he could be doing.

Try to keep an open mind.

Good luck

[Eiendbdhd]

I can relate because I recently experienced a breach of boundaries myself and my trust has been shattered.

In my relationship porn was acceptable because it's superficial, non-interactive and non-emotional. To others like yourself, because it's of a sexual nature it's the lack of exclusivity.

No one can dictate your personal beliefs of what is considered betrayal or not, it's up to you and your partner to determine boundaries.

[Juliet_84]

Fifi, I had a similar problem at the start of my previous relationship as I found out that he had been watching porn and it made me feel really insecure: "why does he want to look at other women", "aren't I enough" "does he fantasise about other women when he's with me" etc. I also didn't like it because I found it to be fairly demeaning and it turned me off him.

But I've since learned to accept that it's fairly common for men as they are just different to us and very visual. I think your husband lied to you (I don't believe he was doing homework lol) because he felt that he would be judged (he was) and he knew how you'd react.

Perhaps once you've had time to process things, you might be able to sit down and talk about boundaries. For example, maybe he can make it more inclusive for you so that you don't feel so excluded? one way that you could do this is by finding one that you like and watching it together? For example, a study found that porn in gif format is much more appealing to women because they simulate normal relationships much more - perhaps you could start by looking at that together? Talking about what you both like about it etc?

of course, you don't have to. But then I doubt he will just stop, he'll just think he will become more and more secretive about it and it will cause more heartbreak. I hope you guys can sort out something that makes you both happy x

[Ant71]

Hi Fifi

I don't watch porn. But I do read erotic stories and my wife knows about this. For me it satisfies a need. I know every relationship is different and this works for us. I normally read about things that I would never do in real life and things that I would not want my wife to do so it's just for fantasy.

I hope this helps