Poisonous family members

[KaraArtist]

Feedback and shared stories welcome.  

My brother and I have been loosing our once impenetrable relationship, he passes heavy judgments on me no matter what I do. When he attempted suicide (I imagine his behavior prior to this may have been a sign) it was necessary for me to take on the emotional load for my family because they fell apart, mum was catatonic and detached, the rest just couldn't cope. I held him in my arms from the moment he rocked up on my door to the moment they took him away to stay at the ward. He gets out and has met "the one", she was also in the ward for a similar reason. He seemed happy. But as time went on the both of them began to pass judgment on me again. I've been accepting of all the emotional baggage the two of them have and been there for them in hard times. They just had a baby, two weeks, I still have not been allowed to meet him. I spent the last half of the pregnancy sourcing and collecting things they would need for new baby because my brother lost his job and they were in big trouble. I have expressed that I understand they need time alone and I can wait to meet my nephew. This was met with comments about how I was being impatient and making this all about me and blowing things out of proportion. I'm confused about this response.

Needless to say there is much more and I am beyond crushed. Unfortunately it has gotten to a point where I don't really want to meet my nephew now and don't want to be in the same room as my brother and his partner. I too battle with depression and have come a very long way from my darkest point.

My brother has a regular group he goes to dealing with violence and mental health in young men and his partner refuses to get help. Doesn't change the way I'm treated unfortunately so I have decided to quietly move myself out of the firing line. I've been there for long enough and my health is just as important as anyone else. I've gotten rid of all the poisonous people in my life and now the only ones left still hurting me are a handful of family members. My partner and I will be moving to a place that I've always dreamed of living and I will no longer come running at the beck and call of harmful people. They will have to learn to cope with life without me carrying them all the way from now on.

This has been years in the making and the hardest choice I've ever had to make.

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[KaraArtist]

WK it has been an eye opener talking to you. Yes I do believe that my brother will eventually come back to me, he has always wanted to be by my side, this still has not changed, only his demands have. I am trying but the hurt he has caused me came not only unexpected but more painful than anything I've received from our mother or anything really. I love him dearly and want him to be happy, healthy and safe. A part of me is afraid that his partner will estrange us while the other part knows that he is the kind of person who does what he wants no matter what anyone else thinks. I mean he already had me come to his family gathering even after his partner told me to stay away. haha I haven't even mentioned it because it's not as important to me as my brother, but his partner appears to have very similar issues to our mum, ironic, and sad. 

And yup, that's mum. If I run she follows. Once she even rocked up at my house to "sort out my problem" in the middle of the day, I had angrily told her to stop judging the people around me just because they could see who she really was. Mistake I know but I was sick of her game. 

It really sounds like you made the right choice to separate yourself from the conflict. I will likely move away and restrict the amount of time spent with these family members. Because when it's good, it's the best day of my life. The positives vs the negatives are so dramatic that it makes a total cut off nearly impossible for me. So I must build my strength, do what is best for me, and make sure to stick to my guns when it's time to stay away but enjoy myself when it is not. With my bro at least, mum I'm not too sure, if she keeps it up then I may have to just walk away. Will see how things go. There's some big life events happening for me soon, it may very well prove to be my deciding point. And I will need to live with the consequences. 

Sorry to harp on but this has been very therapeutic, just writing it down, no need to reply if you don't feel like it this time, I understand where you're coming from and thank you dearly. Such a small thing has made such a big difference in my thinking!

[KaraArtist]

Welcome Lauren, you've come to the right forum I think. First off, congratulations on gaining control of your depression. Diagnosis, treatment and personal healing are the beginning of your journey to happiness and freedom from darkness. Never feel bad sharing, especially not here, this is a safe place moderated by the amazing people at Beyondblue. The purpose of this place is to get help in as many different ways as possible so that at least you might find something that works in your time of need. It's hard when it involves people you love because you may feel you are "gossiping" that's not true. This is about how you feel and how you deal with the way they're dealing with you. It means you love them and want things to be better.

It's incredibly helpful to share and discuss what's going on in your life, if this means you must seek outside the family then that's ok. Places like this forum, counseling and groups sharing similar problems are all excellent places to just get it out so you can function without it weighing you down. In the past I have attended groups that work with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, this was literally a lifesaver for me as I was at my lowest point at the time.

Now family. As you may have read in the previous posts, we here at this post have many difficulties there. Due to our family members having serious issues of their own. It sounds as though nothing you say to her is going to come across in the correct way. Is it possible she is one of those people who do not understand depression or feel that people with depression just need to have a pill and everything will be ok? Or perhaps her anxiety is much worse than you realize and it's jeopardizing her ability to function within your relationship. A very dear friend of mine has severe anxiety, and before I knew this I assumed that she had grown apart from me. When she shared her story I understood and now when she bails at the last minute she is able to confidently tell me "I'm sorry, I'm having an attack and cannot go outside" So if she is having similar issues it may be that, visiting when it's convenient, is her way of forcing herself to be outside and get it all done while she's there, visit you and do whatever business she needs at the same time. If none of this sounds right to you then you may, unfortunately, have similar problems to me and WK.

[white knight]

Hi Lauren, welcome

 Yes, this thread is as good as any place. I think though jst because your sister is intolerant of you doesnt mean you need to take drastic action eg to bring it up as a major topic.  Drifting away in your case might be the answer. If she questions you then about the fact you aren't visiting a lot lately, you can say "love isn't a one way street...but I do love you so I don't make a things about it" along those lines. 

Also relationships aren't a weighing scale. I did all this for her...and she does only this for me. Weighing scales are a bad reflection of love. Often others are busier with their lives, have more children, have a partner that does shift work etc. We shouldn't judge too harshly but drifting might bring her to make more effort.

Siblings are often the punching bag for us. Without you there she'd likely be devastated that she'd need to find someone else. It is not however near as extreme a problem that KA and I have experienced with BPD mothers. It is however just as sad as you battle your sisters anger.

Take care.   Tony WK