Physically and mentally crippled
First of all, this is the first time I've done anything like this so it's quite daunting and I'm not sure how to begin, but I'm tired of being the way I am.
I am 28, I have borderline personality disorder, extreme depression and anxiety which I have suffered from since I was around 13. 3 years ago I was seriously injured at work and I have been in pain (even though I'm on pain killers) ever since.
I was in a relationship when I got injured and the relationship was good for a while, although she was mentally abusive,until my ex found out that I would not be getting a payout from WorkCover and she ended things.
In regards to the relationship I am much better off without her and she doesn't affect my life in any way now.
However, while in that relationship, and due to my inability to do much without being in a lot of pain, I have lost ALL of my friends, and the one person I did talk to I fell in love with and she has now ended the relationship. Although she says she "loves me" and hopes that we can be together in the future once both of our issues are under control. I feel as though she is just trying to spare my feelings.
I sit alone in my room all day, speaking with no one and anytime I reach out for help on social media I get nothing.
I am incredibly lonely, I despise myself, I have no hope that anything good will ever happen to me, I ALWAYS take anything anyone says in a negative way and I am so socially awkward and terrified of meeting new people.
I feel like I'm a burden on my mum as she is the only person who speaks to me. I need help, badly.
I have probably forgotten a lot of things, my mind is just all over the place and I don't know how to fix it, or me.
Good on you for having the courage to post here, and a big welcome. It's often the hardest thing to start the recovery process, but you've taken a bit step here by telling us what's happening, and by recognising that you need help.
I am 25 and have borderline personality disorder as well so I feel like I can understand a little bit of what is going on.
Can I ask if you are seeing any professional doctors at the moment to help with your BPD or depression and anxiety symptoms?
In my own experience, while I knew how to sort through the depression and anxiety, the BPD symptoms were too strong and would just keep bringing me back down. Having a psychologist who I see now twice a week has really helped me, but to be honest, I could probably do the same with a cheaper counsellor or even GP who was understanding.
I have seen people in the past and I've found that they blame things that are not responsible for the issue, but I will be seeing someone about my injury and how that's affecting me as well.
I also wanted to add about the girl issue, she says she wants space but she keeps texting me and saying that she "doesn't not want me, she just wants to work on her issues (which are legitimate) and have me work on mine, and one day get back together"
I don't know what to do?
I am really struggling
Hey, it sounds like there's a few things here. Do you mind if I explain how it sounds to me and you can let me know whether that is right, or if I'm missing anything?
It sounds like you feel like you know what the causes of the mental illnesses are which is why you no longer see the doctors from before? Do you have strategies to manage them and even try to reduce their severity?
The physical injury sounds like it has been quite difficult of late but you've got a plan in place.
You sound very confused about the situation with the girl and whether to put it aside or assume you won't be getting back together.
You're also feeling very lonely and this might be because of those issues above.
Sorry to ask more questions. It's just helpful for us to know what you feel is most important to you right now. When we are feeling overwhelmed, it is often best to just put everything down and then work through the list of issues one by one, in order of how distressed they are making us. If we don't do this and try to tackle everything at the same time, it can be very difficult to stay focussed.
Thanks for replying so quickly, I will try to be a little more thorough and take my time.
I think at this point in time my biggest issue is self esteem/confidence and my negativity.
It has been an issue for me since I was 13, I had several operations on my eyes and am 90something percent blind in one eye, I am very self conscious about that, in fact I'm very self conscious about the way I look fullstop.
I also think that I'm useless (because of the injury) and I don't think that I am good enough for anyone. All of these things have affected relationships my entire adult life and I want to know how to like myself, even just a bit
As for the previous doctors I saw, I refused to see them because they blame drug use for my depression even though I told them that I was depressed for 5-6 years before I touched drugs. And I don't have/know anything to help with my depression, but I desperately want to feel better.
As for the girl, I'm just unsure what I should do and she was literally the only person that spoke to me, so I'm losing my only friend and someone I care about a lot.
If I were list things in order, I'm not sure if loneliness or self esteem would go first?
I'm also not sure if I can do anything about the loneliness without having some self esteem.
I'm just confused and really really depressed, I constantly have that painful, miserable feeling in my chest
Thanks for clarifying that and I'm sorry to hear about your eye. I don't have any physical disabilities myself, but it sounds like it's really tough for you to try and live a 'regular' life because of it.
Loneliness and self-esteem are one of those super tricky ones because they're really a chicken/egg problem. It's really hard to work on one without the other.
That said, all it takes is to have one supportive friend to help both. Someone who understands and encourages and helps you to meet more people. Doctors can also fill this role because they can also help you unblock walls that friends sometimes don't know exist - or that even you don't know exist.
I had a pretty crap time last year, somewhat similar to you. I lost my 4 year relationship and 5 year friendship while studying for my final exams in my honours year. I didn't do as well as I wanted and that was meant to be my way out of my job (which I'm still in). Then I got diagnosed with BPD and ended up in hospital.
What worked to get me out of my rut was to start taking responsibility for certain things and really show myself that I could do stuff, even if it was simple stuff. I cooked different and difficult dishes. I started running again and set goals for running. I started going to a writing meet up group from the meet up website, and just wrote on my own. I was pretty much a loner for a good 6 months but I spent that time developing new skills.
Whenever I felt crap about myself, which was basically every day, I knew I could write that down and talk to my psych at our weekly appointment. I didn't have a friend, but I had a psych who'd listen.
The constant painful, miserable feeling was always there for me too, but that's just the dam that's keeping your energy in. The energy is there. You just need to find a way to chip a hole in the dam so you can let some of the energy out. Once the first hole is chipped, it'll just get bigger and bigger and doing stuff will be easier.
You said you feel like a burden to your mother. Maybe that can be what you work on to start with. Do you help out with any of the daily chores? Perhaps if you could do that, it'll be easier for you to start doing more tricky things and getting out more.