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People need to learn what not to say!!

squeak
Community Member

I have been having this struggle all of my adult life and you would think that by now that I would be able to shrug off comments made by people who you thought would understand and help but turns out they don't want to help or it's too hard for them to help even thought they promised they would. No matter how long the depression has lasted and now matter how many times you relapse for various reasons you still need support and understanding and positive reinforcement.

I have to live with an alcoholic husband who is abusive verbally and emotionally and can be very cruel, and I know that people will say you don't have to live with this, but I do as I have no choice and financially can't afford to leave and I feel why should I as I have contributed to the home we own and why should I be the one to walk away with nothing. But sometimes the abuse is too hard to deal with so I take my self out of the situation for a period of time so I can regroup and put my thoughts in order in a quiet place. But on a recent occasion when I had leave the house in a hurry as the situation was escalating. I left without my purse just car keys, phone and the pretty dodgy clothes I had on and drove to a nearby car park to try on quieten my mind and think what to do next. I rang a friend just to talk as we have been friends for more than 20 years and he had reasonable advise for me in the past and he had said those words "I will be here for you" and I believed him but please if you don't mean this please don't say it. So it seems since he said this, things had changed and he didn't want for his new partner to find out about our friendship (even though it is innocent) and when I told him that things at home were bad and I had no where to go, his reply was "Oh, you can go to Target or KMart they are having a sale at the moment, that would fill in your time". This one comment has since sent me into a downward spiral and the intensity of this downward slide has been monumental. Having someone make such a trivial and hurtful comment at a time when I was very vulnerable and reaching out was just so very cruel, that I am still trying to make my way back from the depths and it has been 2 weeks now and I am still no where near being well, so just make sure your support people are aware of the power they hold with regard to your wellness.

2 Replies 2

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Squeak,

Welcome to the community here on the forum. I'm wondering if you have spoken to your Dr about how you are feeling and about the situation at home. Is it possible for you to see a counselor or psychologist to chat with them?

Sometimes it is hard for people to always be there for us, especially like your friend who now has a girlfriend. He may have found it awkward wanting to support you and keeping his feelings true with his girlfriend. He may have thought his idea might be helpful to go to the shops and be distracted for a while.

Have you ever used the phone chat number here at Beyondblue on 1300 22 4636? The support people are always available to talk with you, to listen and offer advice and ideas. Unfortunately family and friends are not always there for us.

Are there ways you can improve your life at home? Living with an abusive alcoholic is certainly not easy. Do you have hobbies and interests?

Are there any support groups in your region for people living with alcohol dependency?

Would it help to hide some emergency money in your car in case you forget to grab your purse again?

Hope you manage to find some answers to your issues.

Cheers from Dools

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Squeak,

I am sorry you were hurt by your friend's words. I think if you have not been in your shoes it is hard to understand.

I was in a chaotic relationship with an alcoholic who would manipulate me and at times be verbally abusive. My friends said they would not support me if I chose to stay. The support I got was from Al anon as they had an idea of what I was going through.

I think people try to help but sometimes are not aware of how their words maybe interpreted.

Thanks for sharing your story and hope it has helped posting your story.

Quirky