People at uni don't want to know me + my abusive mother

[MisterM]

Hi,
I haven't been on here for a while but lately things have been getting on top of me so I am back.
I've been feeling depressed for 2 or so weeks because of people at uni avoiding me and just being unfriendly.
I have tried, I say hello, I introduced myself to a few people but people just avoid me, they'll walk past me and not say hello.
If they see that I saw them they'll give a fake smile and their face just shows they don't want to talk to me. Or they give a hello that is cold in tone, not friendly.
It's left me feeling so alone and hating myself because people don't want to know me.
And I've been thinking about how my life is just aimless. I mean I am at uni and have one more year left then maybe postgrad but I just feel like it's not for me anymore. I don't know what my purpose or passion is.

Also, my mother has been nasty to me lately. She keeps saying she is ashamed of me being 34, single with no kids. She is embarrassed that a couple on our street found out I am 34 with no wife and no kids after I spoke with them, it's caused her to become pretty hostile towards me.
I've had enough. When noone wants to know you and dislike you at uni and also your mum is ashamed of you what does that say?

This is keeping my mind off my uni work, I have exams coming up soon and cannot focus or bring myself to study because my mind is occupied with these issues I am having.

[PamelaR]

Hi MisterM and welcome back to our community

Life is sounding quite difficult at the moment. Those impending exams can do it to you. I remember them only too well.

It sounds like you've been triggered though - Worrying about what people are thinking of you. I understand what you're talking about. I do exactly the same. What I've learnt is - those stories I tell myself aren't true. They're all make believe. All part and parcel of my how I was brought up. Things I've learnt to do is challenge these thoughts, recognise they are just that thoughts and most likely 'untrue'. It helps.

Something else to consider - worrying is a great procrastinator. It means one can't do study while they are worrying hey? I'm one of life's great procrastinators especially when I've got to write something I find challenging. The hardest part is just sitting down with the books and starting to focus on the book!

BTW - are you following your talent of music or visual art? I do hope so. Doing something you like makes it easier to study I find.

Best of luck with your upcoming exams. Get back to us if and when you want to MisterM.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[PamelaR]

Hi MisterM

In my last post I didn't talk about your abusive mum. That sounds awful. Mum's are supposed to be supportive and caring, not abusive and unthinking.

Just a thought for you - managing and coping with your mum is going to be an ongoing thing. I know it's not easy, but are you able to put this on hold until after your exams? Once your exams are over then begin to look at what you can do to rebuild your self confidence, self esteem and self worth? I know this is difficult because my thoughts are what you're doing at uni and your mum are so interconnected and that's why you are feeling people are shunning you at the moment.

Mums can be very hurtful at times. Often from their own sense of self worth and self esteem. This doesn't help you much does it though? Do you think you can just block out thoughts of her and what she said for the moment?

Do you have a health professional you see regularly about your anxiety? It might be worth thinking about finding one who can help you work through these issues.

Hope some of my posts have helped you MisterM.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[monkey_magic]

Hi MisterM,

I went through the same thing u did. When I was about 28 my mum yelled at me saying when I was your age I was married with kids.The way I was spoken to didn't feel very good and shook me up and made me think should I be married with kids at my age? Now I'm 36, single, no kids and her views have changed. I think she's realized that times have changed and it's my choice to be on the path I'm on not hers. It's their and societys ideals that are causing the shame. It doesn't mean we need to be ashamed though. I'm not. You might need to tell her how u feel and whether or not it's something u see happening in the future to ease her mind.

With uni some subjects aren't interesting. U just have to get through them to graduate. Are you studying something that you're passionate about though? Is that the field you want to work in. U might have to look at the bigger picture.

As for people not being friendly towards you, it happens. It's happened to me at work because others were pre- occupied with other things, that could be the case. Have you done anything wrong to upset the people to make them feel like they do, can it be rectified? You can always find some friendly people outside of uni.

Hope PamelaR and I have helped and anyone that comes on board and always feel free to chat some more.

MM.

[MisterM]

Hi Pamela,
Thanks for replying.
I actually enjoy my studies, revising the material isn't the problem, it's just this episode has made me demotivated. I always find once I start I find it hard to stop, I agree with you there. Action leads to motivation.

With regards to my visual art, I haven't had the time this semester. I did two paintings over mid year break.
Today I played guitar for the first time in a very long time and recorded a cover (first time I've sung in a very long time too). A way to release some bad energy. It is nearly 9pm and I have not studied at all. I finished one revision question and that is all.

Regarding my mum, yeah I am so pissed off that she's disrupted my exam study.
She's always been toxic and has always put me down. She's pretty much damaged me nicely. I struggle to block her out because I know it's true, I am a loser who has never had a girlfriend. Truth hurts. If it wasn't true I'd be able to block it out.

I want to move out but need a job and I have not worked in 3 years. I am anxious and dreading thinking about working again because every job I've had I was bullied, one of my most recent jobs was relentless. Plus I got fired from my last job and when I did teaching rounds when I was studying education my mentor was very critical of me and said she can't give me a pass (meaning I fail the rounds and would have had to repeat the unit at uni). I just feel useless and pathetic.

I don't see anyone, last time I saw a psychologist it was at university as students get 6 sessions for free.
Might go back as I cannot afford my previous psychologist. I am currently paying for physio on a knee injury.

With regards to uni people, how do you think my situation with my mum is related? I was upset about being ignored at uni, the situation with mum happened afterwards.

Thank you for your wishes. I have one week and a bit to study for my first two exams so I hope to manage.

[MisterM]

Hi Monkey Magic,

Thanks for replying.
As for telling my mum how I feel, forget about that, she doesn't care and wouldn't want to hear it anyways.
Language barrier doesn't help, she is not good with English and I am not good with her native language.

Yeah I am studying something I love studying (psychology). One elective not related to psychology is not my thing but I need to do it and need to study hard to pass the exam.
I went into uni thinking I am going to be a clinical psychologist but don't see myself in that role anymore. You need to be mentally stable, emotionally healthy to be a clinical psychologist and I am neither.
I was thinking maybe academia or research but not sure. Maybe I might do social work or youth work or counselling which I can do a masters in using my Bachelor's in psychology. My passion is music and art but that's not going to pay the bills plus the shame if my parents knew I was a secret singer-songwriter (my mum would laugh). I used to sneak out to perform at open mic nights and always record myself singing when I am home alone.

It's like I don't know who I am. I have an identity problem. I have chopped and changed career paths in tertiary education so many times and have not worked in that time, last job I had was in 2015.
If I keep at uni, I still have 4 years left to be a psychologist (clinical or research). That is too long to live like this. If I get a job my grades will drop, it's very hard in honours year from what honours students tell me, many of them don't work during honours. If I move out to get away from my mum I would need a job to pay rent.

I've done nothing to upset anyone at uni. People just avoid me.
I introduced myself to one girl, yet she just walks past me in lectures without saying hello.
I don't come onto girls, it's just polite hi, what's your name, what are you studying? etc..
The only thing I can think of is noone wants to be friends with a mature age student when they are 20-25 yrs old.

As for finding people outside of uni, my psychologist kept urging me to do it but I can't overcome my fear.
I have few friends and I feel they are all I need. Quality over quantity for me. Only thing is, as we get older life gets in the way. My best friend is going to be a dad soon so I understand he's going to have his hands full for a while.
One guy at uni is like 11 years younger than me and into drinking, wanted me to go uni ball and to the pub rather than uni one day, I said no. There to learn not drink.

[PamelaR]

Hi MisterM

Thanks for responding and sharing more of your story. Good to hear you are still painting and doing visual arts. It's important not to let that go.

Okay, you've asked me a question - How do I think your situation with uni and mum are related? I am imagining your relationship with you mum has happened throughout your life. From my own experience, being put down by my mum meant I developed a very low sense of self esteem and self worth. These very two important aspects of self contribute to relationships with others and to the things I try to do (e.g. study, career). Why, because I critically analyse and measure everything I do against the base line data (i.e. my low self esteem and low self worth).

I don't know about you, but everything I did was never good enough. It's pretty horrible. It's taken me years to unlearn all the toxic, negative things that I was told. To be honest, I don't won't to get into a discussion about why or why not having a girlfriend is good or bad. We could go back and forward all night.

All I can say is 'UNLEARN all the toxic and negatives' you've been exposed to. For me, that was the only way I've been able to move on in my life and to live reasonably ok.

I reckon you'll do okay in your exams. Go MisterM. Thinking about all the other stuff is a form of procrastination.

I'm not sure I've been able to explain the connection between the uni experience and you mum.

Do you know about mental health plans? If there are bulk billing services available in your area you can get 10 bulk billed visits to a psych. Alternatively, if they don't bulk bill, being on a MHP you can get back something from Medicare (for 10 visits) - not all the cost of the visit, but a proportion of it.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[MisterM]

Hi Pamela,

Thanks for replying again.
Yeah that makes sense now that you explain it. Thanks. I also think that bullying I experienced in primary and high school has influenced my current relationships.
You remind me of Master Yoda now, when he tells Luke to unlearn haha.
I plan to get stuck into studying tomorrow. I need good sleep as I have had late nights lately.
Yeah I am aware of the MHP as I've been on them before when I was regularly seeing a psychologist.
Thanks anyways.
Speak soon. MM.