Passive Aggressive Friend

[AnotherRandomUser]

My friend has been depressed lately, while Ive been sick, and while Ive tried to be there for them despite my own limitations, theyve been controlling and passive aggressive lately and Im finding it hard to cope.

They keep saying everything is fine when I ask if theyre upset with me, but almost every conversation we have they drop some hint theyre mad at me or judging me in some way. (Often about how I manage money, my time, or my health.)

But theyre also sneaky about it in a way I cant call them out on it without them being able to deny it.

They also compete with me by suggesting their problems are worse than mine, or complain when I can do something they cant. Usually to invalidate the things Im going through or to suggest their needs are more important than mine.

And finally, theres a hobby they love and every chance they get they try to convince me to do it with them. Usually I try to put some time aside to do just that but lately Ive been sick so havent been able to join them. It takes a lot of energy.
But now if I do anything else, they make a comment about it (aka you cant be that sick if you can do that) or insult it (insinuate its no good and they wouldnt do it), and then bring up their hobby again (aka if your well to do that then do this with me.) Its unfair because the things Im doing are chores/needs, and the few things I do that are fun are way less difficult and take less time than their hobby. Its just little things to pass the time while sick. Im not avoiding their hobby, its just too hard for me right now!
But honestly, even when we do their hobby (I often push myself), they then sometimes make comments that Im enjoying it wrong too, so I really cant win anyway!

All and all, I dont know how to cope with this. I really wish theyd just talk to me outright so we can figure out a compromise or I can stand up for myself at least.
Ive tried to gently bring it up so as not to cause a fight, but when I do, they deny it or say they didnt mean it that way. So it doesnt work.

And unfortunately because they make comments so often, Im paranoid at everything they say now. I think, is this another hint? Is this about me? Are they mad again? I dont even know anymore! I never used to feel this anxious talking to them. It used to be easy. And now I think, how can I can I confront them if I doubt myself? If I dont know if it is always about me?

And the worst part, despite the fact their my best friend... lately I havent been wanting to talk to them, or hang out with them. Not out of spite, but because their comments make me so stressed, I dont have fun anymore. I feel controlled and bullied. I admittedly, want to avoid them and I feel like a jerk for it.

So is there a way to confront them on this because I dont know how, Im so scared that if I confront them more aggressively on this, their going to hate me and deny it again anyway. But if I dont, I worry Ill destroy our friendship anyway because Im withdrawing more and more, and I think its only making them angrier. But what can I do, they wont talk to me about it!? Can I fix this at all?

[Eagle Ray]

Hello again AnotherRamdomUser,

My goodness, I’m so sorry you’ve had those awful therapy experiences too! Aggression and invasiveness are huge red flags with therapists. I’m so glad you quickly got away from the first one. And, yes, the second one sending you a gift in that manner was a weird crossing of boundaries and I totally understand you feeling uncomfortable about it. My first therapist did similar things and was very confusing. She eventually went into a rage at me when I completely innocently and inadvertently triggered some issue in her. Little did I realise she’d been bearing a grudge in the 6 week interval between sessions and at the next session she ripped shreds off me. Any attempt to discuss the matter with her rationally led to more attacks on me. I had to get away from her. 3 years later she started coming into my workplace and pretended to be my best buddy, interrupting me when I was serving customers, which was very disturbing to deal with. I’m so glad you have had other much more positive therapy experiences. My current psychologist is wonderful too and I did see a good one when I was at uni. Both restored my faith in therapy which I might have given up on permanently otherwise.

I think one way of looking at the situation with your friend is knowing that you most likely didn’t read their behaviour because that is not how you work. When you are a straightforward, honest and kind person, it just doesn’t compute when others do weird, not very nice stuff. It took me 30 years (from aged 13 to 43) to realise that my “best friend” from high school had never really been a best friend at all. There were red flags all along the way including her being quite abusive to me at times. I always either made excuses for her before or was just forgiving until one day I couldn’t do it any more. Of course her reaction to me moving away from the friendship was to go on the attack and leave an angry, petulant rant on my phone. So she made it easy for to know I was making the right decision to leave the friendship, just as your friend’s reaction speaks volumes about their true nature. I think it’s just hard to believe that people can be as manipulative as they are. If that is not your nature you are going to think the best of them and still be caring until eventually it becomes glaringly obvious that they’re not acting in a nice, respectful way at all. So I think it’s all a learning curve and you will get more nuanced over time at picking up behaviours and patterns in people that aren’t quite right, as well as sensing when people are inherently good and trustworthy. I think you will find closure in time. You have shown so much sensitivity and awareness in the way you’ve written about your experience, and that you have empathy, so I feel you will have a lot of innate wisdom to tap into in future situations in terms of sensing and feeling into those situations. You can be proud of who you are!

Take care and wishing you the best,

ER

[AnotherRandomUser]

That sounds awful. Ive also known people to hold grudges like that and blow up, its extremely unfair and abusive. Kind people talk things out, not get aggressive. Though as a therapist she shouldn't act like that regardless! She should know that anyone going to therapy is there for support, so to then place unreasonably emotional demands on you and to take advantage of your situation, its abhorrent. And to then harass you years later. I think youd be entitled to take her to court if you ever wished to and were prepared to, you deserved so much better.

Though I am glad to hear youve had some good experiences with therapists since. I hope that it all goes well for you.

Yeah thats true, sometimes its hard to believe people think and act that way, I often assume their intentions are better than they are as I cant imagine willingly hurting someone that trusts me! And yet, some do just that.
Im sorry your friend treated you so badly, thats awful. But yeah can only hope to meet kinder people and learn to pick up on the bad ones faster. I like the saying "do not harm but take no crap" when it comes to people.

Thanks, you too, youve shown a lot of insight and thoughtfulness and I appreciate it. I think you should be proud of who you are too!

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks AnotherRandomUser,

That's a very helpful saying, " do no harm but take no crap". I think the best thing can be to calmly walk way from any kind of abusive or exploitative behaviour. I find often very little needs to be said, and what can be said can be done so in a straightforward, calm way, so not coming down to the level of the abuser with uncontrolled outright or passive aggression, but just being clear. I was mentioning to someone else here on the forum the other day a clip from the movie Rocketman, the biopic about Elton John's life. There is a scene in a group therapy scenario where he is seeing various people from his life including some who had treated him very badly. He stands up to each one but in a quiet, calm way before turning to his inner child and hugging him. The scene is on YouTube under the title "When Are You Going to Hug Me?" I just thought I would mention it as an example of being calm and clear in oneself and having that compassion for self in the face of abusive behaviour from others. I feel it's very empowering to get to that stage.

As for the dodgy therapist, I thought of making a formal complaint. The difficulty is in having adequate evidence for things said and done along with potentially just increasing my own stress levels going through such a process. In the end it feels kind of karmic, that these things kind of sort themselves out. She is the one who has to live with her own actions and I think that was even why she was approaching me in my workplace, out of a kind of guilt. It was still inappropriate behaviour, but that is her journey and problem not mine. I am very fortunate now to have a very attuned and present therapist who also has healthy boundaries. I do think in life when we have good experiences of something it cures the bad ones. So I am sure going forward that as you encounter some good people and find some lovely friends, it will heal any bad experiences from the past.

Take care,

ER

[AnotherRandomUser]

Hey Eagle Ray

Yeah thats true, calm is better. And Ill keep that in mind about Elton, sounds like a good way to manage or think about things.

Thats fair about the complaint. Its a tough thing to do, and in the end, its about what you need that matters most.
But yeah, I cant imagine anyone who treats others intentionally bad is genuinely happy. It might give an adrenaline rush perhaps, but not lasting or good feelings.
But for sure, its her problem to deal with.

But hope you have a better journey ahead and find lots of good things anyway. Your right I think the good things can cure the bad stuff!

And thanks, yeah, hopefully theyre will be some amazing things in the future for us both. (^_^) Take care.