Partners pot addiction is negatively impacting my life

[Jessie65]

Hi I need advice 

my  partner of 3 years smokes pot from morning till night he works hard but is emotionally absent at home basically comes home like a zombie and eats and sleeps 

it impacts every area of our life from physical intimacy to emotional intimacy 

he quit for 10 months prior to moving into my house as I said I wasn’t having it but no sooner he moved in it began 

I have talked to him so many times encouraged him all the usual stuff 

he has visited he’s go twice but never really followed through 

he says he wants to quit as it’s ruined his relationships so far but he says he doesn’t know how to be without it 

I’ve had enough of feeling alone and unimportant but love him how do I set boundaries?

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through this. It sounds painful to feel this way, especially when you care deeply about your partner. And it sounds like you have tried everything you can to support and encourage him 😞

Unfortunately, you cannot make stop. This is something he has to want and do for himself. That sucks. It's not your responsibility to fix his addiction, and you deserve a partner who is present and engaged in the relationship. It’s okay to love someone and still need to take steps to protect your own well-being. Setting boundaries isn’t about punishing him; it’s about ensuring that you both have the opportunity to create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship?

While I don't know how you are communicating with your partner, and you might be doing this, but use "I" statements to express your feelings without blaming him, such as "I feel lonely and it hurt my feelings when you are emotionally absent."

My final thoughts are that setting boundaries can be hard and necessary at the same time. If only for your mental health. 

Listening.

[Jessie65]

thank for your kind advice I have expressed myself in this way very calmly and with empathy for him

I have put in place the boundaries of cutting back so he doesn’t come home off his face and moving into the spare room until I see some movements towards getting help

im trying to still be loving and kind 

he thinks he is going to try CBD ? Trying anything is better than doing nothing 

thanks again 

[Starlight_80]

Hi Jessie65, 

I hope you don't think I'm being rude, I just want to suggest that if your partner just wants to smoke all day and night then there's probably some deeper issues going on. How was his childhood? How's his relationship with family now? He may have some unresolved issues that are making him want to be a zombie. I'm kinda speaking from experience, reality is kinda hard for some of us. 

Anyway maybe you can suggest some counselling for him to help him work out why or something. Or.. there could be worse he's taking..? 

If it's really a problem for you, maybe it's your problem? 

✌️🙃💖

[Jessie65]

thank you for your advice yes there are underlying  issues from childhood trauma which he has tried counselling for I believe he hasn’t dealt with them still and have suggested more counseling 

I realise it’s a problem beyond my abilities but would like to help him without totally losing myself in the process 

[smallwolf]

Healing, whether with professional support or otherwise, can take a long time. To hear that he has previously sought help is positive but what stops him from getting support now is only something he can answer.

It's a delicate balance between looking after yourself and your boundaries and the support and care you have for your partner. Have you considered couple support? This would allow both you and partner to speak honestly and (hopefully) without judgement about the issue and find a way of moving forwards?

Can I also ask what sort of support network you have? Family? Friends? (And what advice do they give? That's more if a rhetorical question.) You deserve to be respected.  One step at a time.

Listening.

[Jessie65]

 thanks so much I appreciate your feedback 

my family and friends say I can’t help him anymore and should move  on for my own peace of mind 

I’ve encouraged him to talk to his closest friends who are like family to him but they have no idea about his issue and he’s ashamed to tell them they love him and I know wouldn’t judge him 

I’ve told him I’ll help anyway I can even couples therapy but the ball is in his court now to make changes or not I can’t keep asking him as now it feels like nagging and I hate that