Partner with depression (ruining perfect relationship)

[Speakforchange]

I have been with my partner for a year, and although all relationships have their ups and downs I can honestly say we have had the greatest year, with love, laughter, great holidays, understanding and support and open communication about everything.

I knew my partner used to speak to someone a few years ago but that is all I knew, I also have gotten professional help once for some life direction at a time where I was a little lost but I was never clinically depressed or anxious. I assumed he meant the same thing. I found out that he was on medication and only came off it 1.5 years ago and was diagnosed mild to moderate depression/anxiety. I was surprised that he had not told me this sooner, the reason I found out was because I had moved into his place and we decided to live together as we basically were already, the only thing that changed was me paying rent and the title of me 'living' there.

One night he would not have sex with me, came home and had taken some drugs which he never does, maybe one since I have known him, plus some other strange behaviours that week.This was upsetting for me, he said something had changed and he felt like the dynamic had changed and he didn't know why or what and of course it upset me, i had not changed, nothing had changed. I initially thought it was me and he just didn't love me anymore but after speaking to friends and putting the pieces together I realised it was his mental health that was struggling which was the reason for his low libido and disconnection. I moved out for a week, gave him space, looked after him, offered him support in anyway he wanted it. I literally have done and read absolutely everything I am even going to a psychologist for myself to talk it out and get supportive coping strategies, but I know at the end of the day if he does not want to get help than I cannot do anything, I ended up moving out which shocked him and killed me.... he has started making slow steps, he has a lot of past hurt that he has never fully dealt with from family issues to never having anyone to support him... the fact we have discussed a future I think that scares him because he thinks it will all go wrong and that he will have to face more family break up and pick up the pieces.. He's struggling to let go and move forward, he says he doesnt want to lose me. I am not sure what else to do??? Not sure how long I can hold on.

[lostnotlost84]

Hi lost6,

I haven't followed the whole threat here but your last post really got me. As we all go through good and bad days, I am having a bad one today and couldn't agree with you more about the inevitable feeling of resentment, injustice and resulting anger.

I am still with my partner but I actually don't really know why. Since his depression 3 years ago, I haven't felt loved unconditionally and genuinely. But I fought for us, him and the love we used to have, not realizing how much I was losing myself. Now, his depression is fully back and he denies it. But this time, it'snot only that he can only think about himself and doesn't do anything about it... No. This time he also questions his love to me and doesn't feel as close anymore.

Let me just summarize this. I haven't felt loved unconditionally for a long time yet I keep on going back to him, even when he says that he doesn't know what to feel for me. WTF is wrong with me?? I am so angry with myself, it's insane. I know his depression speaks out of him but what am I supposed to do? Where does support end and accommodating begin?

I know we need to look after ourselves in order to be there for your partner. But even that has its limitation. I know I will never get those answers I am seeking for. I will never be appreciated for all those efforts and suffers I put in. What am I doing here?

[LeeA18]

Lost, Wow, what a week you had. I wouldn’t believe him. I question a lot of what my ex said to me. It was a nice gesture though. If someone was going to plan me a party, I wouldn’t say no lol. I always worry about what Christmas and New Years will be like this year.

i am not expecting a response from my email. I think he would have responded 2 months ago, he wouldn’t now. I had a good session with my psych who reminded me that my ex didn’t seem to recognise that I had made some life changing choices when it came to moving in with him. I resigned from my job (he lives 2 hour drive away), started packing my house, started planning to rent my house out, telling people. I had to unpack those boxes, take back my resignation and, when people ask about how the new town is, I have to explain. My psych said that I have every right to be angry. He is a selfish person and it was all about him at that time. I was so scared to ask questions just incase I triggered something in him. That wasn’t fair on me. I told him that I was worried that next time a partner asks me to move in with him, that this will be at the back of my mind. He said that the partner would know about this and would most likely reassure you and understand. And trust your gut.

[LeeA18]

How is everybody going? Tomorrow will be 5 weeks no contact for me. Doing quite well and not feeling as anxious now. Still think of him constantly, more about how it is his loss.

[Puppies]

Hi all,

I'm glad to hear that things are a bit better for you LeeA18. I'm glad you're not feeling as anxious and that you're strong enough to not contact him. I know that if I was in your situation that I would find it very hard, especially after being together for a while.

I hope things are going well for everyone else too.

- puppies

[LeeA18]

Hi all

messaged my ex yesterday. Turns out that he had unblocked me from messenger recently but he has my conversations as ‘ignore messages’ so it went to his filtered messages. I left it for a few hours and sent him a text and sent some pics and a thank you for a present he got me at the beginning of the year that I finally got around to using. I was surprised he hadn’t blocked me on his phone. He replied. I ended the conversation with responding to him that I hope he was well and thanks again. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to respond.

Back to no contact again 🙂 I didn’t even feel anxious about it all.

[Puppies]

Hi LeeA18,

That's good that you were able to send him a message and that he responded. If you're not friends on facebook the message may have gone to his filtered messages, but that's not necessarily because he chose 'ignore'. It's strange that he unblocked you, and I wonder what his motive was. But i guess all that matters is that you chose to message him and he ended up responding; and you don't even feel anxious which is great!

I'm glad you are doing better!

[LeeA18]

He responded immediately too. I wasn’t sure how messenger worked but we aren’t friends on Facebook so that might explain it too. I am not to sure what his motives are but I find it intriguing. Maybe he is having a change of heart and realised he has been acting unfairly towards me. Just one step at a time. Giving him space probably has helped as well.

i was going through our group chat and thought I’d go into my chat with him to read some old messages as he does have a funny sense of humour. And I noticed that there was no longer the option of “invite to messenger” and when I searched his name, it showed up with 9 mutual friends. So I had a feeling that I had been unblocked.

[Puppies]

If you were able to search his profile then you must’ve been unblocked. I guess that’s a good thing! How does that make you feel though? Are you glad you’re unblocked or does it not really matter to you anymore?

I’m sure you’ve already thought about it but I’m interested in your response. If he apologised, sorted himself out and wanted to get back with you, would that be something you’d do?

Personally I wouldn’t know my answer unless I was in your situation

- puppies

[LeeA18]

I have been unblocked. I stalked yesterday. Then deactivated my account again. He strangely unfriended a mutual friend of ours. The 3 of us were close and he had revealed his struggles to us last year and we helped him a lot. Such a shame. She’s the loveliest person. She just got engaged and was overseas so it’s bizarre. He thought the world of her.

If he came back, I would consider it but there would be some conditions and boundaries. If he can’t accept those then no. It revolves a lot around him not pushing me away and behaving like this.

[LeeA18]

Hiya!

i sent my email. Voiced some opinions, but overall it was a nice email.

He has now deleted all mutual friends that are female from Facebook and Instagram.

weird. think I dodged a bullet. He has some major issues.