Partner with depression has left me
My partner (ex), lost her Mum to a rare illness close to 2 years ago now. She's the type to just bottle all feelings up and not deal with it. Eventually as the months past, I noticed her hiding it. She always felt vulnerable around me and hated it because she could tell me anything and would. This April was her mums birthday and it really hit her harder than ever.
I have never seen her in such a state and I worried so much. She was so bad, mentioned so much stuff and even dark stuff. I asked if she was considering doing something and she said she wouldn't as her Grandma and Dad needs her. I forgot to mention her Grandad died a year after her mum passed, plus losing 2 or 3 friends, I believe the other was cancer.
She finally started to see a specialist to get help. She found a place to be at peace on the weekends so I gave her that space to help.
Sunday night, I receive a text message which was out of the blue. I'm happy to share the message as I think it's quite dark. Maybe it's just me.
Of course i'm totally gutted, I love the girl with all my heart and was by her side this whole time and would never have left her, especially in this state.
The week before I received the text, we seemed to be getting closer, she was sending more messages, warmer ones, with kisses etc. Now i'm 35 so I'm not a kid but it was easy to see her mood in texts.
Anyway this is the message...
'I believe it will be best if we do not see each other any longer. I have tried to find happiness in myself and i cannot find it. I cannot be a burden on you any longer. I am not the person that I was and i don't know if i ever will be again. I have been the cause of pain for too long now and that is not something you deserve. You deserve to be happy. I do not believe that I am that happiness and I do not deserve your kindness. I am truly sorry for everything that I have put you through. All i ask is that you understand and know that i am truly and utterly sorry for everything.'
It seems she has cut me out of her life over the past few days. I did call after the message and she answered, I asked if it's what she wanted and she couldn't even answer, just said it's best for me.
I have approached a family member as they are not aware of her mental health. I have asked to use discretion on approaching her.
I am so lost, I know she thinks this is better for me, but the way she has cut me out is just not right.
Welcome here, I'm glad you came as I think you can benefit from other people's experiences, something you were no doubt hoping for.
Reading your partner's message I have the feeling it is familiar. Something I might well have written myself when depression has been very bad. It is hard for someone who has not experienced it themselves to understand, however the illness takes over thinking, and the thoughts that remain are of self-blame, hopelessness, guilt. At the same time one looses touch with oneself and does not know what one feels - except pain. For example I did not know if I loved my partner - or even if I was capable of love.
All those thoughts and feelings were wrong, as I came to appreciate later.
You partner needs medical help. I see you mention she has that now, which is great. May I suggest patience and not giving up? Letting her know you are there for her can be very good. It does not mean she has to talk about things to you, just know you are there. If you do get back in contact simply trying to do things with her she enjoys without pressure is probably the best approach.
It is a most worrying and stressful time for you and it would be easy to be overwhelmed by it all. I'd suggest you visit your GP and set out what has been happening. Regular visits will not only allow your own well being to be monitored but may also get you some professional advice on the whole situation.
Do you have any family or friends to give you support?
Thank you for your reply. I have tried to reach out to her but she either ignores or tells me to leave her alone.
She has not blocked my from contacting her which makes me feels she still wants to know I’m here. It’s an awful situation for her or anyone to be in, to have to push everyone away.
My head and heart knows not to give up, usually the mind says walk away but the heart doesn’t but not this time. She’s bad.
I assume she is still seeing and speaking to the specialists but was not put on any medication. I believe even a light dose would help.
Inam surrounded by friends and have family but most days I also want to be alone. I am also seeing a specialist even before this happened as I read up on depression and knew it would take its toll on my eventually.
It’s so tough to be there for someone who doesn’t want you around.
would it be best to give her some breathing space for a few days / weeks? I have tried to let her know she is my safe place and she brings joy despite what she thinks.
I don’t want to give up on her but I’m afraid that I push too much, my next message does not send...
You can only do so much, if she knows you are around if needed that is probably as much as you can do for now. Pushing when she says not to is only going to widen a gulf between you. whatever you may think about the effects of her illness she is still a responsible adult and if she makes a decision you are pretty much bound by it.
I'm glad you are seeing to your own well-being, both sensible and necessary.
May I suggest you turn your attention to other things and wait to see what happens? Occupying yourself with the things you would normally do, perhaps work or sport, family and entertainment - the usual things plus I'd be thinking in terms of keeping up a social life too.