Partner’s Nan is sick, he’s gone quiet, and I’m spiralling

[sksssnn]

Hey, I’m really struggling and could use some kindness at this time.

My partner’s Nan just got out of hospital and is apparently quite unwell. He’s her main carer. He’s my only close person I have/ talk to. I don’t have friends at all to talk to, and when he’s quiet, it feels like the world disappears. We live far away from each other, about an hour and half for me, as I don’t drive. I haven’t seen him for a week, and he’s not sure when he will be able to see me, because he has to take care of his nanna for a while, since she’s pretty weak at the moment. I work too during the week so my only break is during the weekend.

I suggested to catch a train there, and maybe go get dinner  (just to see him and help a little). He snapped, said I don’t listen and that he doesn’t want to repeat himself again. I apologised, explained I do actually understand and that I thought it could be nice to catch and see eachother since his weeks been stressful. I tried to validate his stress. He saw my last message 2 hours ago but hasn’t replied.

I know he’s busy, and his Nan needs this right now. I know I’m not the priority right now. But the silence is eating me alive and I feel dismissed, selfish, and terrified I’ve ruined us. 

 How did you cope with the quiet without spiralling? And the feelings of abandonment? Any gentle ways to stay connected without adding pressure?

If anyone reads this, thanks for reading. Just need to some reassurance 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Guest_24389683,

I'm so sorry to hear about your partner's Nan being unwell and the experience of him snapping at you. You are trying so hard to do the right thing and be supportive and understanding. I imagine he feels under a lot of pressure and so is maybe acting out of character and he's just frustrated and struggling at the moment. He may realise that he snapped, but isn't sure what to do about that at the moment. After a bit of time, it may be easier for him to reflect and be a bit calmer.

Are there some self-soothing, calming activities that you can find to do just for you at the moment? It may be that all you can do right now is focus on your own self-care while he is dealing with his situation. Sometimes when we can start to ground ourselves again, we have a calmer orientation to things, and we can then see some solutions and ways of going forward. Is there something that is calming and grounding for you, like going out into nature or a favourite place you can get to? Or a hobby you find absorbing that can distract you for a while? If you can become absorbed in something else, it may help with the spiralling. So often, we worry about worst case scenarios which are not what actually happen, but it's where our mind can go when we are feeling vulnerable.

Remember there are helplines you can call too, just to chat to another person. There is the Beyond Blue line on 1300 224 636 and they have chat and email options at the bottom of this page too. I have called helplines numerous times as I live alone and don't have a support system around me, so I know what it can feel like when it seems there is no one to talk to. But there are kind people out there to chat with, and it can help to just have that sense of connection and have their perspective too. So don't hesitate to reach out for support if you feel it may help to chat to someone.

Take good care and we are here to chat anytime you feel the need,

Eagle Ray

[Sophie_M]

Thank you so much for posting in our forums today. We are sorry you are struggling at the moment with your partner and their unwell nanna. If you would like further support please reach out to one of our counsellors on 1300 224 636 and they will be happy to support you. I trust the group will also support you as you navigate this situation. Take care. Beyond Blue

[sksssnn]

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful message, Eagle Ray. It really means a lot, and I appreciate your warmth and understanding. I truly believe you understand me, and that’s what makes me feel heard. 
I still feel heavy headed, but I’m trying not to focus too much on it, because I know it will just weigh me down even more.

I completely agree, taking a step back to focus on my own grounding has helped more than I expected. Today I went into the city, got some nice food, and sat by the river with my sister. I didn’t do much, but it felt really good. I felt a lot clear headed being outside, because being in bed made me feel worse. My sister has been struggling a lot herself lately, so being together today just sharing the moment, was comforting for both of us. I think we both left feeling a little lighter and happier. I also let all my feelings out to her, and it felt good telling someone out loud. I appreciate your suggestion to focus on self soothing, and I’m grateful for the reminder about helplines too, I’ll keep that in mind if things feel heavy again.

Thanks again for being here and listening to my story, I was expecting no one to read it. It helps more than you know.

Take care too (: 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear sksssnn,

I'm so glad you were able to go out to the city, enjoy some nice food and sit by the river with your sister. It really does make a difference having that connection with another person, doesn't it. I think it helps regulate our emotions when we feel vulnerable or worried. It is lovely that you both felt supported at a time when you needed it. I'm glad you were able to share your feelings with her.

Sometimes it just really helps to create that space in which we can find some grounding for ourselves. I know myself how easy it is to spiral and feel stuck. I'm sure by sharing your experience here you have helped others too. Take care and know that you have a space here if you need to chat again at any time.

Warm wishes,

Eagle Ray

[sksssnn]

You take care of yourself too. Appreciate you ❤️