Partner left me due to possible anxiety
Hi, am hoping for some opinions in hope of finding closure as I'm struggling with my mental health as a result of this.
2 mths ago my partner of 3 years broke up with me. We had a fantastic relationship built on solid foundations of trust & love. We laughed a lot & clicked in a way that she nor I have ever experienced. She herself still says all of that now, which is why I'm so confused.
About 6 months ago she moved in. This was during a stressful period in her life as she is in the police academy. Living together felt easy but due to her work we were unable to spend quality time together. I'd spend my days contemplating what I could do to help her destress in the evenings. I'd cook for her & try to make her feel special. Then I'd leave her to do her study. On coming to bed she would be distant & not converse. It was a routine of checking facebook meticulously & then sleeping. I figured all was ok as she would hold me all night upon turning the light out. I thought we were okay.
Fast forward to a few months later. I went to USA for 5 weeks. She kissed me goodbye at the airport & kept in touch via text. Just before I got home she even suggested that if I were to propose to her, she would say yes. On arriving home however, she wasn't excited to see me. I asked if everything is ok with us & she hesitantly said she doesn't know how she feels about us anymore. She feels detached from everyone so it could just be anxiety causing it, or she's fallen out of love. She wasn't certain she wanted to break up but we ended it.
Over the next 2 months we caught up. She said she'd made a big mistake & wanted to fix us. Then she was confused again. Then she'd say she still loves & misses me. She said that in those last months we were together & while I was overseas, she felt so anxious that her head felt like it was going to explode, she felt irritable & tired & just wanted to be alone. She even read up on hypervigilance & said that she related with the withdrawals this causes in a person's home environment. She said it feels right when we catch up, she doesn't want to close the door on our amazing relationship. I was so stupid & should've cut it off as yesterday she said she still doesn't know how she feels & that I shouldn't wait anymore.
My issue is that she won't give me any reasoning. She maintains that she doesn't know why, even though I'm perfect for her. I don't know how to get over this without any closure. I am so depressed that all I want is to sleep & cry.
Thanks for coming here, it’s quite a big step to take, however there are people here with a great range of experiences and want to assist
I’m going to talk about you however, because it is relevant I’ll tell you my background and then about your ex-partner first. I'm an ex-policeman, invalided out of the force long ago with PTSD & stress -related problems, I'm far better now. I got though with help
Caution: I’m now talking about things based upon my experiences, they may well be outdated
I’ve an idea of what your ex-partner imay be going through, this may help you understand what's happened.
Some of the aims of a trained constables’ course – which I presume she is doing under its modern name, though it applies to detective and other courses too, is firstly to impart knowledge, the law, police procedures, use of equipment and so on – in other words straight facts
Secondly to weld the group together into a working unit – which of course means the trainee’s priorities and who they identify with change
Thirdly to help those for whom the police life is not suited to depart. In my day this was done partly by work-pressure, partly by pressure on the trainee’s self-esteem, and partly by exposing the trainee to the most undesirable elements of life, including forensics
If you are in this environment for any length of time the home scene and values tend to become remote - I’m speaking about myself here. Study in the evenings encroaches further on the home until academy life predominates
It end up in my day with a ‘them and us’ mindset. Also ideas about the self -including love - become distant and hazy
So your ex-partner probably has to try to juggle two competing poles in her life, police training and you – home
More than a little confusing, I did not sort it out at the time and it was only due to the patience and wisdom of my wife that things held together
I’ve used up nearly all the space in this post
The important thing now is you. Whether or not you get together again I don’t know. What I do know is that this mentally bruising set of experiences will take its toll. I think it fair to say, on what you’ve said it is not you have said, it is not your fault or inadequacy.
Go to your GP and ask about Depression and Anxiety. Look at The Facts menu above about them
If you feel overwhelmed ring 1300 22 4636 where our friendly non-judgmental knowledgeable professionals will talk to you
Please post as often as you'd want
I have just read and re-read your post about 5 times. I honestly did not expect a response so quickly, nor from someone with so much life experience specific to my question. Everything you have said about the rigorous training that is undertaken and how if can affect or change a person's priorities rings true and probably goes a fair way at explaining what has happened. Moreover, our loss of connection could well be because she now identifies more with her course mates as they are all in this stressful process together. Maybe she is more suited to dating someone in the force.
As for getting back together, she said yesterday that she never wants to, so I do need to focus on me now. I will definitely read more of what is on this website as it is a fantastic resource. I have had some very negative thoughts which have concerned me but am seeing a psychologist for the first time tomorrow. I need to realise that our demise was about her and not me, it is just a shame that what we had was lost. I think perhaps if we met in 5 years time we would have worked.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your reply as you have brought much clarity. Also, it is so touching to hear that your wife was able to help you in your time of need. She sounds like a beautiful woman, and you're a true gentleman.
I really appreciate your coming back and saying my post was of some use, makes me feel pretty good, and also shows something abut you too. Actually it was pure happenstance I saw your post and answered.
Frankly I would not have known, during and shortly after the course and in my first assignment what I wanted. Takes a fair amount of time to get back to earth. As for her dating/marrying another cop. In my experience that doesn't work all that well, from the few I know that did it. Most were power/powerless relationships.
I'm really please you are starting with a psychologist. From that and your appreciation that this this was all more abut her that any inadequacy of yours I think you are going to be fine.
Please let us know how you get on
My best wishes
She is the most conflicted person I've ever come across, so part of me hopes that she will get back to earth. If she still misses me then, my heart and door will always be open to her.
I saw the psychologist today and she is going to keep tabs on whether the way I've felt these months is situational or true depression. Definitely not time wasted if it is the former, as social anxiety and gad are issues I've dealt with since I was a child. She is helping me with coping mechanisms on that front. It feels good to be doing something and no longer just sweeping it under the rug.
Thanks again, Croix. Sometimes I can be quite negative about mankind but the kindness of strangers on this forum makes me smile. I am definitely going to be a regular (mostly reader and lurker) here, as people's perspectives on some posts are thoroughly eye opening.
That's pretty good news, thank you for letting me know. I'm sure the coping mechanisms will help and things will get a lot better.
You know I think you will find people here in the Forum who, in time, might benefit from some of your experiences. A situation does not always have to be completely resolved for you to say what you have done.
I look forward to seeing you round the threads - and if you have more hassles just post.
Anyway my very best wishes
Hi Pineapple head,
ive read through your post, I'm sorry to hear of your heartbreak but glad that you have taken steps to heal yourself. You have a big heart, this I can see. I'm so glad that Croix has been helping you and can relate. I don't have much I could add to your thread except that I've noticed, as I read through other threads, that often there will be a person on the forums we connect with. I have seen it on several threads where 2 people just connect, through experiences, of advise, or just sharing thoughts. It shows there are many ways we connect with people, not just through relationships, or intimacy.
i find peace is seeing this on the forums, I hope you do too. I guess the saying "there's someone out there for everyone" doesn't just apply to love.
wishing you all the best.
The good news is that one year later, I think about this situation very little. I did however realise today how long it has been and thought to myself that I’m proud that I’ve gotten through what I have and wanted to update you guys, and thank you once more for being such fantastic sounding boards at the time. I ended up learning that my partner at the time was already with another police officer. It was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced and it has taken a lot of hard work for me to trust again. I’ve taken off the rose coloured glasses now and see that the warning signs were there from the beginning. Rather than jumping straight into something new, I’ve given myself time to heal and trust again so I can leave the past relationship baggage at the door. I have learned so much and thanks to many therapy sessions, am able to trust another person again 🙂