Partner gone to UK during unplanned pregnancy, grieving

[lannamc]

Hello, I am in need of some advice and your opinions on my situation. If I could just describe my situation first - I hope it isn’t too long-winded.

I have been in a relationship with my partner (not married) for almost 3 years. I was previously in a very abuse relationship for two decades which five years ago I finally left.

My partner lives in UK and since we have been together we have both travelled to see one another. As I have children, traveling can be quite difficult and so he has more frequently come to visit me in Australia.

Early February he came over for what we thought at the time would be a few weeks. When lockdown came in to affect he decided to stay here with me, which was great as we got more time together and he helped me with my children’s home schooling and we all seemed to make the most out of a difficult time.

During the last week of him being here my mother passed away in UK and this hit me like a tonne of bricks - the fact that I couldn’t travel to see her or attend her funeral caused me a lot of distress. I then discovered that I was pregnant. I discussed this with my partner and while he was caring, he kept affirming that he was going back to UK on the agreed date. I understood his desire to return to UK, but he also kept saying how he currently had no work to return to and acknowledged that his leaving would mean that we could not see each other for potentially a year due to travel bans, that I’d have to process the emotional impact of pregnancy alone and grieve my mother without his support. He admitted that there was nothing urgent or compelling for him to return to the Uk immediately for. We had also applied for a new visa for him while he was here and it had a few weeks left to be processed and probably granted - but the fact he went offshore meant his application was withdrawn and now has no visa.

I tried to be strong as I knew he wanted to go home, but as my distress over an unplanned pregnancy, my mother passing and all of the uncertainties in the world, I felt strongly that I just wanted him to stay, at least to decide what to do about my pregnancy and to be here to support me through a termination. He kept telling me that while he had no work and no commitments and not really much to go back immediately for, that he just felt the urge to go.

t was quite hard to take but I felt I couldn’t really make any more of a case for him to stay as I felt if death and pregnancy and current world uncertainties weren’t enough, then what else can I say or do! I also really did not want to have to persuade someone to staying he cared and loved me then he’d want to stay. I felt he should want to given all of the circumstances.

So he left early July and promised to be in touch via telephone and messages. It was a huge shock to be suddenly alone after all of those months together and to be in a state of grief over my mum and in shock about an unplanned pregnancy and the prospect of not being able to travel. I was a wreck when he left but he reassured me that he would be in close touch to provide support.

I heard nothing from him for 10 days after he left the airport. I was very distressed and concerned about him, not knowing what to think. It finally turned out that he had gone home and gone on an bender of drinking and catching up with friends - blanking me out and putting me through so much worry.
Fast forward to now, we are speaking over the phone, but it is so difficult as I am facing a termination, still having issues with some of my UK family over my absence at my mums funeral (they don’t seem to understand the travel restrictions here) and while I need and want to be in touch with him, it is so difficult to speak to him now that he is seemingly carefree and tells me he’s been out to the pub all night in British summertime, catching up with friends..while I desperately needed his support here, even if only a few more weeks. It just hurts as I really needed the support and given that we are now separated indefinitely, I can’t help but be upset that he has essentially left me to deal with all of this alone while he chills out in UK and enjoys his summer...meanwhile I am sick, overworked, facing a termination alone (which due to my abusive past absolutely terrifies me, and he knows this) and grieving the loss of my mum.

Am I wrong to have wanted him to stay? Am I being unfair? What does it take for someone to just care enough to want to support me..I just feel broken. I just can’t help but feel abandoned at my time of great need, and for what? A drink in the pub?

Any comments or advice would be great. Thanks and sorry it is so long. x

[lannamc]

Thank you. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and just really sad. I’m also feeling sick some mornings and feel guilty for being slower and not as emotionally healthy as I need and want to be for my children.

I have received a few phone calls from bf, often he is on his way out somewhere and seeing his friends. At the moment has the house he shares with a friend to himself, so he’s talked a lot about how he is sorting his life out after returning to UK and making plans there..and while that is great for him, I can’t relate to it at the moment because my life is in chaos. I am happy for anyone who has space or time to make plans or evaluate their lives, but as he has put me through so much distress lately, it is very hard to not feel angry and resentful about it where he is concerned. Any concern he has for me or the situations I am in all seems like lip service from this distance and with no way of actually being here with me. I find myself wondering whether there is any point in staying in touch with him after everything as I don’t really want to become annoyed or resentful after each call. It’s just really hollow for him to have left and to be trying to seem to care now that he’s made the choices he has.

I’ll just try and take it a day at a time.
Thanks again x

[white knight]

Hi again

Your low self esteem is clear from your posts. Perhaps you don’t feel worthy of a proper knight in shining armour that puts you first and in your case relieves you of stress like asking you if you’d like to keep his baby and form a family.

This man is not the man you deserve and you deserve so much more.

TonyWK

[ecomama]

Hi lannamc

Tony WK is probably one of the few knights left lol. A gentle man.

Yeah I can see your point about bf phoning and giving lip service to your struggles. He seems completely detached. I'm not sure if you can lean on him for even emotional support tbh. The sudden physical absence of him would be enough to bear. (I also have a bf which he would prefer me calling 'fiance' overseas so I get alot of what you're expressing, maybe more than you realised).

Hugs and more hugs.

Feeling unwell and still having to deal with emotions of grief, sadness and frustration on many levels PLUS working and being a mum is NO MEAN FEAT at this stage.

I salute you. You are holding up SO WELL.

Please remember you can phone awesome helplines like 1800RESPECT and the BB helpline. They are there for you. They may be able to offer some person-to-person voiced help for you at any time, to help you get through this.

We are here all the time too.

Have you been able to make the appointment yet? Not pushing at all, just reaching out to let you know I care.

Hopefully you can spend some "down time" this weekend if you're not working over the weekend? Although I understand how difficult it would be to be 'alone' right now. Plus I know how much taking care of kids can take out of you. But they may just be a wonderful distraction?

Please try to take good care of yourself.

Love EM