Partner broke up with me because of his mental health. Is it right thing to do?

[sarah_jess121]

Hello amazing people.

My partner (27M) was diagnosed with BPD/trauma disorder three months ago - it was a massive eye-opener and confirmed everything I already knew. Our relationship has been going on for 2.5 years now, with many many ups and down. However, for the past 6 months, it has been at an all time low when he had his first mental breakdown and ever since then, his BPD behaviours have been coming out in extremely harmful ways (binge drinking, going M.I.A on me on a night out, unfaithfulness, verbal abuse, physical violence to objects).

Overall, my partner is sick of trying to get help (goes to counselling, seen a psychiatrist and signing up for DBT soon) and then keeps stuffing up. He thinks he needs to go through a hard long process of recovery but doesn't feel like trying anymore and doesn't want to bring me down just because he is no consistent. So we both decided the only thing left to do is break up for good. He also says he sees the impact his BPD is having on my mental health more than ever and can't promise he will be better. He is tired of hurting me and cares about me too much to see me cry again. We love each other so so much and when he is stable, he is the best boyfriend in the world. Unfortunately, no one can live in an inconsistent and painful state. 

So at the end of the month, I am moving out and we will go strictly no contact. I don't want this to happen and apart of me thinks "why can't he just get the help he needs and work hard now so he can be better for us?" but i know that's not easy.

What do I do? How am I supposed to go on when I have to let the one person I have loved more than anything go? I didn't just love him, I loved his soul and I saw his pain and traumas, and loved him even more. It feels like there is this third person in the relationship (the incurable mental illness) and we have no control over it. I am absolutely heartbroken. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi sarah_jess121,  This sounds like a really difficult and isolating time. It sounds like it’s been a really difficult time for your partner, and it must be really hard to understand and process the separation in that context. It sounds like you care for them deeply and are trying to be supportive and understanding through this, but it’s also hard to manage your own wellbeing through such a big change. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you.  Is there anyone that you feel able to talk to about this? It sounds like you could really do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. There are also some really good pointers here for staying connected, and finding support through a trying time.   It’s also really important to check in with yourself while you’re going through this, so it might be good to have a look at our pages on looking after yourself while supporting someone. There’s a really useful part about how it can affect relationships which might be useful to you, too.   It is wonderful that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums, it must have been difficult to write this post, but you never know who might read it and feel less alone in their own experience. Please keep sharing whenever you feel comfortable to do so. We hope our warm and kind community will spot your post and offer their support soon.   Kind regards,  Sophie M