Paranoia after leaving emotionally abusive partner

[batticus]

Hi everyone

I recently left my GF of 5 1/2 years. My counsellor suspects she may be a covert narcissist based on the behaviours. Research into that topic really hit home, it explained so much.

It's been 2 weeks since I broke up with her. Without doubt it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. The weeks leading up to the break up were horrific. My mental health deteriorated to the lowest point it's ever been. I had to leave.

It's been up and down since. I'm okay - but I'm extremely paranoid. I feel like she's hiding around the corner all the time. In the early days after the break-up she was texting me; I replied politely but firmly telling her that I don't want to talk. The tone of the messages became more angry, so I blocked her number. It's the first time I've ever had to block someone. After that, she managed to leave a voicemail from a different phone number. I sent one final text message responding; simply saying that I need to get well again and I need her to leave me alone.

Anyway, I have received a few strange missed calls - all from phone numbers I don't know. I rarely get calls like that.

I've had to change my phone number.

The problem is the paranoia has extended to me being afraid of turning lights on in my own home etc. I'm afraid she will show up if it's obvious that I'm there.

I realise I'm probably being irrational. I've been walking on eggshells for 5 1/2 years- it's a hard habit to break.

Thanks for listening

Batticus

[batticus]

Thanks JT

I really hope she is seeing him to help herself. That would be a huge breakthrough.

My past experience with her makes me doubt that she is doing that, but I hope I'm wrong. Honestly, it would do her a world of good. It's helped me profoundly, if she can realise that benefit for herself that is wonderful.

I've been doing okay since that encounter, but I have times where I miss her terribly. Even though there were lots more bad times than good times, I still find myself missing her company. I think it's probably normal to feel that way. It'll get easier as time passes I am sure. It's only been 1 month.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi batticus,

I can assure you, missing your ex is a normal thing when going through a break up. You're right that things will certainly be better for you as time passes, and there are greater things awaiting for you to be discovered. Take care of yourself, give yourself lots of self-love and self-care that you've been deprived of and truly deserve. We're always here for you if you feel like talking and chatting :).

Jt

[batticus]

I'm not doing so good today.

My ex had sent me a huge long email, titled "goodbye with love". I didn't read it as I knew it would be too much. I asked my mum to read it ,and basically tell me briefly what it was about.

She went through the last 5 1/2 years and itemised every thing we did together. The then expanded on all those things. She listed all the nice things she has done for me... down to making me lunch sometimes, also bigger things like looking after me when I was unwell for a few months.

If a stranger was to read the letter they would think it was the most perfect relationship. There was no mention of the silent treatment, the verbal abuse that occurred in the early stages of it, her general disinterest in me as a person. She made some apologies, but they were more like "sorry for the way you felt about this/that" as opposed to "sorry I did this/that to you".

I started to recover and start feeling stronger again and now I'm back to square one. I feel tremendous guilt. She believes I broke up with her because of my depression and that I was being unduly influenced by others.

Part of me wants to respond but I know that isn't a good idea.

I'm so sorry for hurting her but I was genuinely frightened for my own safety; my depression/anxiety had spiralled out of control due to the stress she was placing on me. I had to leave, the other options were unthinkable.

I'm sorry for venting but I'm really not doing well today. I know I'll feel better again eventually but I feel like I've had an awful wound reopened all of a sudden.

Batticus

[The_Bro]

Gidday again Batticus!

I did notice that in one of your posts you 'apologised for venting' - not at all, it is great that you are using this forum to share your feeling and progress after your breakup.

Yes her behaviour is very unfair - whether 'hoovering' or stalking, it is just not on for her to continue this emotional ambush on you. I see you are a musician - they say great musical inspiration comes from emotional hardship and breakups. Heaps of artists like Adele attest to this. So something positive might come out of this situation yet!

It is also true that emotional trauma doesn't define your inner character, but reveals it.

It has only been a month or so - give it more time and her behaviour will gradually fade away as she realises she cannot control you anymore. Just remind yourself why you broke up in the first place - do you really want to go back to that relationship?

When a girl I really loved broke up, it took months and months for the pain and emotion to subside, just give it more time and you will look back on this as an opportunity to grow.

All the very best, keep on the forum if you feel that helps. That's what it is here for.

The Bro

[batticus]

Thank you the Bro

I hope that letter is her way of getting closure and hopefully a step towards her moving on and letting me go. She also dropped off a paper copy in my letterbox.

She actually still has the key to my house. I have changed the locks, so it's useless - but I did notice the other night the sound of my door - I was half asleep and thought I was dreaming, but I am now certain it was her as she left a few of my belongings in the letter box. What is disturbing is that she possibly was going to let herself into my house.

Despite all that, I find it hard not to feel really guilty. Re the letter - despite the letter being sent to me, I feel like it was more about her convincing herself of how great she is. At the same time, also to make me feel bad and sorry for her. With that said, if it helps her in someway to deflect all the blame etc to me, that is okay too. I need to somehow keep in mind the 'real' version of how the relationship was , not the rose-coloured version she believes it was.

I am a bit paranoid about her showing up at my house this weekend so I might stay at Mum's house this weekend just to let the dust settle a bit.

Batticus

[The_Bro]

Good on you Batticus - I sense that you are accepting more of this unfortunate situation as the days go by.

With your ex, it can take ages for her to let go of someone she pretends to love - it seems she has attachment issues very strongly.

Just keep on making it very clear that you are no longer interested and find her attentions very unsettling.

Stuff like this won't define your character, but rather reveal it very clearly.

How's your music going? I won't be at all surprised if some great work comes out of this episode in your life!

Stay strong, life goes on and WILL get better!

Cheers for now, The Bro

[batticus]

Hi The Bro

Thanks so much for your reply -I'm so grateful

You are right - there are definitely attachment issues there. In the 5 1/2 years I was with her, she never had any close friends. Those she knew were what we'd just call 'acquaintances'. No actual deep or sustained friendships. I occupied that place for her.

I'm sticking with the no contact rule. I'm going to be consistent with that, as hard as it can be at times.

As much as I'd love to respond to her letter, it's completely pointless. She's already effectively weaponized all the nice things she's done for me over the years. To open up that dialogue is a recipe for disaster. Even though she's someone I still love, I'm simply not able to be with her.

Music is going well - I'm doing 3 gigs a week or so as well as my day job - no lockdown here in Tas at this point in time, I'm very lucky. Lucky as a jazz musician to get that much work.

My ex didn't take much interest in the music side of things, she'd occasionally come to a gig but it was often apparent she didn't really want to be there. It made things a bit awkward, especially if I had friends there. It's good that I won't have to worry about that now.

Here's hoping for a non-eventful, peaceful weekend!

Batticus