Overwhelmed - realisation you're dating a narcissist.

[Whiskey1982]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this, had my first therapy session regarding my hopefully permanent break up from a long term relationship that has had devastating emotional consequences for me. As suggested by my psychologist I have done some research into NPD and I am feeling shocked, used and abused.  It hurts to know the facts but also helps to have some clarity on the confusion I have suffered in regards to this 6 year long on again off again relationship.

It has now been 2 weeks NC but on his terms and if history tells the story that won't last too much longer. I feel alone, and I know that when/if he contacts me I will find it hard to disconnect. 

[white knight]

Hi Whiskey, welcome

Its good to see you've got help from this very domineering situation.

Some of your reading could include "Walking on egg shells" by Dr Christine Lawson.

Like you I've had a (what I feel) is a narcissist person towering over me, my mother, and my sister and I remove her from our lives following decades of unpredictable and destructive behaviour. Like all erratic behaviours these people need help and if they got help they could avoid the result...often families divided forever. In your case you feel scared because you know what you want in your own mind but also know that in an eye blink you'd be manipulated to be with him again.

Splitting from such a person isn't easy. In my case a court order was required to prevent my second marriage from being ruined, such can be the determination of a scorned narcissist. And it doesnt take much for them to put the boots in.

Your telltale signs are there. The on again off again routine. Often narcissists swing from one victim to another and your good times with him might have been because his sights were focussed on someone else. Often they want a "headline" to fill their day.

I know its hard to break off completely. But you must do it and find peace. It's been 6 years for me and my sister to be together without someone getting between us. We are free. You can be to.

Tony WK

[White_Rose]

Dear Whiskey

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am sorry you have had the bad experience of dating someone with NPD. I understand how difficult it is to disconnect and stay that way. In any break up there is grief for what has been lost but somehow it feels worse when you feel you have been used and abused. With the benefit of hindsight it seems that you could or should have known but this is not now relevant. You need a way to keep safe and manage on your own. To return to the relationship would not be a helpful move.

It's good that you have research NPD. Now that you know what to look for and how the person is going to react in any situation you have more control over the situation. Do you have any family or friends nearby who can help and support you? Can you block him from your phone and email so that he cannot reach you? The longer you are apart the easier it will get to keep saying no.

It's good you have the support of your psychologist. Do you see him/her often? Having someone to talk to about your fears and who is OK if you cry or get angry is a really helpful thing. Are you likely to meet him in public anywhere? If so, can you have a friend with you in these places to help you stay strong. Six years is a long time to be with someone and then part, so I can imagine the difficulty and the desire to reconcile, even when you know he is not good for you.

I wish I knew a foolproof way of saying no, but unfortunately I am not good at this either. Getting better though. Surround yourself with friends. Do not stay inside for long periods as you are more likely to become depressed.

I hope you will keep in touch with us and that we can support you.

Mary

[pipsy]

Dear Whiskey 1982.  Hi there, my heart really goes out to you on this.  How long has it been since you actually stopped the relationship?  I know you said you haven't heard anything for 2 weeks, but when did you actually break up?  You've read as much as you can about narcissism, so you know he's going to try to tell everyone you both know, that the problem is you.  I wouldn't actually say too much to anyone at this stage.  The next time he contacts you, be aware that he will promise he'll do anything to get you back.  This is part of the ploy, once he has you convinced he loves you, the pattern starts again.  Have you thought about changing your phone number and making it private.  Any texts, ignore.  Emails, press forward, and send back.  Tell your friends you've changed your number because of nuisance calls.  Don't give out new number, you contact your friends.  Through researching NPD behaviour, you will be aware of coping strategies you need.  Fb contact you can block.  There is a list of behaviour patterns of NPD's listed on the forums.  Read these.  Because you lived with him you're the only one who knows his true nature.  None of your friends will really realize, because what you see, is not what you get.  They will only have seen charm, manners, loving behaviour towards you in public.  Even in your own home with visitors, they will only see a loving, attentive, kind, thoughtful partner. 

I wish you all the best for your future. 

[Whiskey1982]

Thanks everyone for your prompt replies. It helps to know someone is there and understands. 

I don't really feel I can talk to my family or friends as they have seen this so many times before, and because they have such a desire to blame him, I have this ridiculous desire to defend him which doesn't help me at all.  

We do live in a fairly small community, but I have disassociated with mutual friends, which leaves me more isolated. He has made me alone for so long and I honestly feel like no one understands me like he does.  What I found most disturbing in my research was the affects of Narcissistic Abuse and how it illustrates my mental emotional decline so well.  I am now almost the complete opposite of who I used to be and its a horrifying realisation.

I know I need to start living my life again but am totally lacking in motivation for most things and my inability to concentrate without him sneaking into my mind is crippling.

We split 2 weeks ago after a 2 day I again spell before I did something wrong again. This rollacoaster or emotional bullshit has to end I cannot take anymore. I know he will come back he always does, what scares me is that even though I know this must be over I want him to come back, I miss him, but God knows why??

GB

[pipsy]

Hi Whiskey.  You poor thing.  The agony you are going through must be almost unbearable.  The emotional destruction of this man has given you no reason to believe in yourself and no matter what you do or say, in your mind all you can hear are the 'put downs'.  You're experiencing what every battered wife experiences when she first breaks free of the hold.  Companionship, no matter how destructive is far preferable to life alone.  The loneliness and isolation is something that occurs with every relationship breakdown.  Whether widowed, divorced or alone by choice.  Everyone at some times experiences a feeling of 'will I ever meet someone I can love'.  In your case, because he destroyed your confidence, the loneliness and lack of any sort of physical contact is harder.  It would be nice if he came back for company alone, but knowing you have to accept the rubbish that goes with him, that's the part you don't need.  Once you start to rebuild your confidence and this can take as long or short as you like, you will start enjoying life again.  When you're with family/friends, try to make it a rule that he is never mentioned.  This way, self- recrimination the need to defend him won't arise.  Don't blame yourself for his behaviour, this is something a lot of battered wives do too.  If I had been a better wife, cooked him steak and eggs 3 times a week, understood his needs etc, the list goes on.  None of what happened was caused by you.  he is the way he is because of jealousy, the need to be THE BOSS, insecurities caused by his lack of being able to really love anyone but himself.  Actually, having said about loving himself, he probably doesn't love himself, he is totally incapable of love.  You're right about no-one understands you like he does.  Where I think that statement is wrong is, no-one understands why you stayed as long.  You stayed because you kept trying to make it work.  It would never have worked because of his inability to help make it work.             

[Whiskey1982]

Thanks Pipsy, I appreciate the advice and perspective. I guess all I can do for now is take one day at a time, and at some point, something else will take the focus of my life and this will become less important. It's hard to imagine, since I have lived and breathed him for a long time but I know eventually I will get past this. I know in my heart nothing can improve with him in my life. 

[BeFree08]

Hey Whiskey, go and pour one and relax.  You, like me, have dated the same man, I think I could almost tell you verbatim what his next stunt will be.........Ask yourself this - can I manage the next five minutes without him - the answer is yes...... your time lapses will grow and so will your self esteem.  Once you understand the personality from the research you have read, you will feel used and abused, maybe embarrassed.  That's where I am at the moment, embarrassed that this person who is now a stranger will ring any minute and beg for forgiveness.  See it for what it is - another attempt to take more of you because they could.  Put a stop to that crap, you are worth so much more.  Even call him on it, if you have the misfortune of bumping into him,  and ask him "what do you want now"?  Shut your supplies down, your love, you loving, your good intention, trust me he is does not care about you, as mine does not (but claimed constantly) I am not saying this to hurt you but to make you annoyed that this person will blatantly come calling wanting 'something' and it will never be unconditional.  Be strong,  You will find that you do have the strength to reject him when you realise his best intentions are purely for him and him alone, but yes - you can remember the time that he did something or you on that instance, trust me (again) he did that purely for his own gain.  Clarity will soon be yours and you might want to sit down and be shocked how well you were conned, pour another Whiskey, think in the not too distant future, just another ten minutes of no contact has already lapsed, and you will feel free and their miserable self absorbed black cloud they loved to share with you, (that would be the only thing they are capable of sharing) will start to lift. I understand these people are human beings but when you intentionally try this stunt on unsuspecting generous folk then they no longer deserve the respect.  I still want mine to contact me after  four days and four hours (been together four years) and if he does I have just two words awaiting.  Unsure whether they will end in 'you' or 'off'.  You will be OK - keep writing posts - best therapy.  Like your name sake I am having a whiskey struggling to remove this person from my mind but knowing my wrecked psyche will not be weakened by him ever again. You are not alone!!  Embrace your freedom.  You are allowed to be angry and sad and cry.  It is all part of the process. x

[Blended_agony]

Hi Whiskey1982

im new to this forum and Ive just separated from my husband for the second time but are still seeing each other I think he is a narcissist he has a lot of there diacriptive behaviour plus we are a blended family and I can’t seem to get with his 10yr old son and the attitude I get form him I don’t feel like I get the support from my husband and I just get so emotionally drained from both of them 😔 I feel very weak and I know he draws me back in every time he will say horrible things to me but explain he loves ke

so much so these things he talks about doesn’t matter and that I should be lucky to have him in my life and that I’ll get no one that will treat me better etc

my question is did you finally end your relationship or did he work his way back in ?

I’m at a loss and I know I have to make a decision weather to completely let go but I just can’t let myself do it especially cause we hVe 2 little ones together 😪

[Jane_Smith]

Hi everyone

I think I'm in this situation. I have given a lot to make my husband happy. My happiness depends on him being happy. When I ask for something that will make me happy I don't get it. I have put up with very aggressive and threatening behaviour. I want to keep trying though.