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Overthinking is killing my relationship
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Hi, welcome
I do understand this issue. Thanks for posting in.
Firstly, as this has resulted from past experiences it isnt your fault it has downloaded to a problem now- its only self inflicted if you dont act on it and this is a good first step and therapy is the next step that will be remarkable for you.
I too grew up with a childhood trauma which led to one of my diagnosis of "dysthymia" a low mood constant depression in my 50's, yes a long time after the event when I was 12yo (hence why its so good for you to deal with it early). Also I had a highly anxious mother so all 3 of us kids ended up with anxiety which when untreated led to depression (another diagnosis). Plus bipolar etc.
My over thinking I called dwelling would create my own scenarios like fantasy so in my 30's I got therapy and he was amazing. He taught me how to be realistic with my thoughts. Every time I stated something that didnt actually happen but I dreamed it would he asked me "is that a real possibility"? eg I said when I took a sick day off that my boss might drive past my house to see if I'm working in the garden... It wasnt realistic, highly unlikely also because I lived 80km from work!!.
So in your case, just taking the situation that your BF is socialising with someone else how do you know what the topic was they are discussing? eg the weather, her car breaking down etc. So like any relationship there needs a level of trust as a foundation but what is crucial in your case is that your BF needs to know of your insecurities and help you with that. Is his moods from him alone or is it because he feels restricted in him talking to others? This is where you both need counselling IMO to sort out what triggers you both and each of you when you recognise there is an issue you can address it early.
I've included below a link to an article I posted years ago. It is a method of overcoming disputes with your partner quickly and moving on fast. Doing that will be better for both of you.
Remember- Many humans have flaws, some serious, some minor, you can overcome some of these inground issues with support and therapy and in some cases medical intervention, meds and so on... thats all ok, if you need it, you need it but I stress that in the long run you will be more relaxed and give your BF the freedom he desires so he is less moody and happier especially when time allows for those DV memories to drift away.
I hope I've helped today
TonyWK
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Hello,
Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.
I understand your situation and I feel for you, but I also want to point out that much of the overthinking is stemming from insecurity. Childhood trauma can leave a scar on feelings of safety, security, self worth and all manner of other feelings. When you add domestic violence on top, it compounds those feeling and makes for a very unsettled and fearful way of seeing the world around you.
The jealousy is understandable as is the desire to be with him all the time. However, these are not natural reactions for someone who has not experienced trauma. These are reactions to insecurities and the best way to deal with them is in therapy. I am glad you have lined that up and hope you don't have too long a wait.
What you have described is known as co-dependency, meaning you have not had a chance to learn to be independent of another due to the traumas you have experienced. You could learn more about the effect of trauma through reading and I would like to suggest the book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk as being a good place to start. Not only does past trauma effect your mental health, but also your physical health over time. If you can begin to resolve and heal these traumas, then you are giving yourself the gift of an improved outlook for your future health. It is very hard to do alone, and very hard for people who have never been through trauma or mental ill health to understand.
You deserve to be happy, safe, secure, loved and independent, as do we all.
I hope this helps and please feel free to continue this conversation if you are comfortable doing so. You don't need to go through this alone, we will be here to support you.
Take good care of yourself,
indigo
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Thank you for replying. I am at my wit's end. Today when he got home from work I just had to have a little dig at him about doing something fun today at work while I was at home doing chores. He obviously got his back up about it. The thing is I don't know why I do these things. I know he's working but my brain just automatically thinks he'd rather be doing these things with others rather than me. He told me he thinks I'm obsessed with him and I'm terrified that I am. I don't know what to do
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Hi isitme,
I am going to give you a helpline number to call when you need to talk to someone in real time whilst you are waiting for your therapy to begin. As Tony and I explained, these reactions are due to past trauma and the only thing that will help is to work through the traumas and heal them.
Could you perhaps use a tool to help you such as taking a few deep breaths and delaying what you want to say. This may help you think about what you are about to say and decide if it should be said or not. You will find a way through this, it will take time though and you need to find the tools that will help you manage your reactions in the meantime.
Meditation can also be a good tool, even if you can only manage a short meditation each day at first, it will still help in the long term and you can increase the time when you feel ready. There are many guided meditations available free of charge on youtube, spotify have a number of them if you have a account and as far as I know Hemi-Sync website still offers a free meditation to download with binaural beats that help you meditate more easily. Becoming aware of your reactions and questioning their validity will also play an important role.
Please put this number into your phone so you have access to real time support when you need it.
1800Respect - available 24/7 - 1800 737 732
indigo
