On edge about having illness

[Sharny]

Hi, I've recently posted so I'm sorry for doing so again. Even though I'm managing my illness every now and then I get stuck with excess thinking regarding how guilty I feel to my family just for dealing with Bipolar. I should be rested, I have a loving supportive husband who understands and cares, does everything to assist in us living our lives as peacefully as we can. My two children are doing very well at school as my husband keeps reminding me. Financially we are very secure. So with all this around me in my immediate family, I should be able to keep moving forward and accept that I unfortunately got this illness. The proof is there that I've done things for my kids, played games when they were little, read stories over and again, visited parks, libraries etc etc and given them endless love and cuddles, nutured them and provided a home full of love. Despite this, knowing I have this illness still rips me of some dignity, it still manages to make me uncertain as to what I've provided because I'm sure at times my two kids have seen some changes come on with their mum. I try to replace these thoughts with the idea that I am a survivor, just trying to muddle through an illness that I never asked for. I'm wondering when this self anguish that rears its head ocassionally in the form of feeling like a bad person because of my illness will ever go away. I mean, if I had another type of illness would it make me feel bad toward my kids? I've asked this in my head time and again. It's this type of thinking that leaves me lonely, yet I've got everything I need around me.

[Fairywings]

Hello there beautiful mummy welcome. I can empathize with you i have bipolar disorder too had it since it was in my teens am now 36yrs old married with a beautiful little boy. Yes i do experience the exact same thing where this dreaded illness will rear its awful head and stay with me for days i have found it very useful to self talk the demons out of ur head. The stronger you are the weaker these demons in ur head become and enable u to move forward for that present moment day week etc until it decides to pop itself back out again. This is what this monster of an illness does to us fills us with self doubt but we can't let it control us. I totally understand how you say u have the whole world at ur feet yet ur still lonely bc there are times where i feel the same way again its the illness we are not going crazy in any way we just have to learn to not feed those demons what they want so they eventually get the hint and ellude from our minds. R u linked in with a psychiatrist at all? R u on any medication? Xx

[Sharny]

Hello Fairywings,

Nice to meet you and thank you for your kindness and understanding. Whilst I am a bit reluctant to reveal my situation with treatment I will say that for me at the current time and for 8 years now I've explored with a natural therapies and have been taking those as my preference. I havent had any full blown mania for 13 years. I felt 8 years ago that natural therapies along with a very good diet, excercise and sleep patterns were something I'd like to explore. When I was at my worst after experiencing full blown mania and psychotic delusions I was untreated, undiagnosed. I went through such a storm until I became suicidal and sought treatment when my baby turned 10 months. I was too scared to see anyone before I reached that point because I feared loosing my child. Some where in my mind I thought I was protecting my baby and this is all I was fixed on. One of my greatest obsessions was protecting my child from harm, I had this strong belief he would be poisoned. Looking back now, sad as it is that belief kept me going in terms of caring for my baby eventhough I was clearly very ill, it kept me keeping my child safe even though I was terribly terribly unwell. Decision making became harder as the journey with my baby continued, depressive side kicked in and really took grip. I found myself declining in the decisions regarding simple things and didnt trust myself mixing food, solids for him to eat. A routine inspection on our heating vents had me very suspicious too thinking the tradie had planted poison etc, my thoughts were just so spread out and I was paranoid. My husband gave in to my demands, something I am so very sorry for now. He tried to argue my thoughts but realised this didnt settle things. He wanted me to seek help and I refused. Preparing food took all day to put together for my baby because I feared poison. I was heavily consumed in his care in my own little world. At the time I was so seriously doing this that our needs were being neglected for outings, shopping was done by my husband etc. It was like my home was all I could cope with. The storm was feirce, my home was all I could cope with to ensure his care. The only time in the first ten months going out was health centre visits and all visitors would come to me.

In short with the storm as wild as what I had with full blown mania untreated, I felt I could try natural therapies and they have provided thus far.

xx

[Fairywings]

Yes this monster of an illness does indeed dish out a storm. I am so very proud of you for pushing thru life and all its ups and downs and I am pleased you have found something that has worked for you. Thankyou for coming back to me always here if you need to talk take care of yourself and your beautiful baby xx Venessa