Nothing to hope for

[LeahIvy]

I use to motivate myself by my dreams...my dreams for a happy marriage ...children.. Now I am in my 40s, divorced, with no children. It's too late to have children. And I find myself struggling for motivation to basically look after myself - eat well, exercise. I am quite lonely - my mum rings me every day to chat - I feel sorry for her - we run out of topics. My siblings are mainly supportive but they have children - their own families. My few friends are mostly married/parents. It's amazing how quickly you are dismissed from these circles because of your own childless state. It is not malicious - but they catch up with their friends who have kids, when you are at work.

So I need to look for new motivations I guess. My brother tells me there are other options for families - but that I need to put myself out there. Did I mention I am overweight and the thought of dating leaves me cold. I know I need to start with taking care of my health - eating well, exercising - but then I think - what for? I will never have my children.

Is there anyone out there that has worked through these issues - I would welcome any suggestions for getting some motivation back or looking at things differently.

At the moment - the best I have is doing it for my family who I love - because it hurts them to see me struggling.

[white knight]

Hi Leah, welcome

My wife has no children. I have two daughters one I dont see.

Ive known my wife for 30 years, matchmade her to my ex brother in law. They were married 20 years and due to his illness they didnt have kids. But she was my daughters favourite aunty by marriage.

We both ended up alone then married so she became step mum. My eldest has no contact with her natural mother. When my daughter married june 2017 my wife was made mother of the bride. She was ecstatic. She is called "mum".

My point being? Nothing will replace the vacuum of not having your own children but its what you as an auntie or mother figure or warm person to children in your life that really makes you valuable...Ireplaceable

Add a couple of mini fox terriers to your life (they'll lick you to old age) and the gap reduces.

Now you might not agree with this but online dating works. My daughter that just got married? Yep..Online dating.

Most eligible men your age group have children. I wouldnt rule out being a special friend to a step child. And yes, there are a lot of men that are overweight but look for personality.

Its not too late for happiness nor too late to be special to children in your life.

Tony WK

[SubduedBlues]

Hey there LeahIvy, welcome to bb

"It's too late to have children," really? I don't think so. My l'il brother didn't have his first kid 'til he was 45. Then, even if y'all don't want to sire children in your 40's, y'all can adopt. Or, if that seems like too much the Big Brother Big Sister people always need someone willing to take on a foster sibling. There's lots of ways to be a parent/sibling these days.

Loneliness can be the absence of peers to socialize with, on a deeper level than the superficial. Try joining the local SES, Rotary, Lions or Freemasonry club. They all provide opportunity for you to develop strong friendships with people who actually care about you on a genuine level.

When my marriage broke up, I looked to charities as a means to fill up the space and time that she left empty.

Hope this helps
SB

[BballJ]

Hi LeahIvy,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I may not be able to directly relate to what you are going through but I wanted to comment to offer my support and that I do understand how you are feeling with little to no motivation and what sounds like mild self esteem concerns as well. I always thought I would end up alone as I never really dated and struggled with it and I always thought my only motivation was to go to work. I understand you feel you are too old for kids but I do know quite a few people in their 40's who have had kids. So please do not give up hope on that just yet.

Motivation is one of those things that has to be driven from inside us. I would firstly suggest just partaking in any sort of outdoors activity, something simple as walking to for starters just get fresh air and clear your mind but to also encourage you to eat better. I understand a goal of yours is to have kids but is there anything else at all that you would like to achieve? Any hobbies you enjoy doing at all?

My best for you,

Jay

[LeahIvy]

Thank-you - I am very touched that you took the time to reply. Yours is another reminder that there are always possibilities in life and we shouldn't shut ourselves off from these. I do treasure my role as aunt. And I am proud mother to a beautiful dog. I need to focus on what I have - not what I don't have - and continue dreaming ...

[LeahIvy]

Thank-you - that would be the kind of social group I would be interested in.

[LeahIvy]

Thanks Jay - I think what I get from you is to start simple - just walk outside and enjoy the day - so I will make a committment to do that. I use to do alot of walking and it was great for my stress levels.

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi LeahIvy, I absolutely agree with what everyone else has said here. It's not too late to have children if that's what you really want, and there are lots of options too - adoption, sperm donation etc. Eating well and healthy is a good goal to have in life, and it doesn't just have to be for a partner or for children. If that's something you really want, you can start by just going for a walk every day. I'm currently studying psychology and I truly do not want to come across as patrionising when I say this, but there are massive links between nature/exercise and happiness. Try and do something small every day and see where it takes you. Sending love.

[BballJ]

Hi LeahIvy,

I think that is perfect, start simple and let is sort of flow and come to you, the more pressure we put on ourselves the harder is seems to make a simple decision. I do hope you find some peace and good things come to you.

My best,

Jay