Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

Not too sure how much more my self esteem can take?

Community Member

hi everyone I am new to this and I just don't know what to do anymore with my partner as our relationship seems to be slipping away quickly.... Here's my story....


we we have been together about 3.5 years... He has had issues with substance abuse (drugs, pills etc), alcohol and because of this experiences extreme lows after a big night.... Lately he has been getting help from a psychologist which was his decision and I am proud of him however he has taken steps back and as soon as he sees his mates he can't control himself, has a huge night and then doesn't move from the couch for a week and I am left to do everything and cop the verbal abuse.... Let me mention the smallest things I do trigger him off eg I took MY glass of wine off him as I was drinking it... This resulted in me basically being kicked out for a week...I've been told so many times of late he hates me, I'm a disgusting fat pig and it's unfortunate I am me.... This is only the night of the drinking etc and the day after if I try and do anything for him or ask if he is ok....

I don't know how much more of it my self esteem can take before I break. I know he is depressed and I love him so much I want to help him through this but how do I make him understand this isn't ok the way he is treating me? He has all the traits of a narcissist and always seems to think I am the cause of all this hatred because I'm lame and don't do drugs or get blind drunk.... I never get an apology for his actions. He has always thought the world owes him.... Lately even just drinking seems to trigger a depressive episode...

When he is clean minded and there are not drugs involved he is amazing fit and healthy.... We go on hikes, holidays, make plans and goals.... I want this man to stay...

I need to think about changing the way I communicate with him.... Please help

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Ell, welcome

I sympathize with you only because you have got things wrong. I cant see fault with you at all. Your communication seems fine and your self esteem is taking a battering because of his abuse.

Im sorry but its how I see it. Try google with this

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: the definition of abuse, what is it?- beyondblue

Tony WK

Tony WK

Thank you 🙂 I will have a read

Drugs and alcohol kill relationships, plain and simple. You can change the way you communicate with him by telling him that either he quits the drugs or you leave, that he treats you with respect and he gets help for his problem - and this doesn't include simply seeing a psychologist and then thinking it's ok to continue going on benders.

I know that's easier said than done, however sometimes we hang on to things that are no longer there. It doesn't sound like you're getting much from your relationship. You're treading on eggshells and you're reaching breaking point.

Sometimes life dishes out something really crap that makes us look at our own lives and where we're at. Everyone's circumstances are different but one thing remains the same - our sense of self and where the hell did it go? I got angry at a counsellor once when she told me I had no sense of self. It took me a while to realise what she was actually trying to tell me.

We need to know who we are and where we want to be. We need boundaries. We need to be treated with respect. We need love and security but we need to achieve that ourselves and not rely purely on others, particularly our partners.

If we don't have any of these things we need to obtain them. And often it start with a crisis, like having to leave a crap relationship. I'm, not going to beat around the bush. Sure, you could give him a chance, but to be honest, anyone who is willing to tell you to your face that you're a fat loser doesn't deserve another second in your life. Eject him like he has ebola. Find yourself. Look after yourself. Eat well. Get enough rest. Exercise. Do things that make you happy. Get a hobby. Get back with your friends. And get back your boundaries.

I don't care if poor bubba has had a hard night and can't face the week. Your boundaries start now and he doesn't talk to you like that. He's going to shape up or ship out. If it makes it easier then you make an exit strategy. Talk to your friends about it and get their support. Don't get sucked in to this. It's time to take control and find yourself again. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY BUT YOU NEED TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN

Community Member

Try changes in communication. Try counselling together. Try anything else that you both agree on and will not be harmful.

But hmm... this reads to me to not be a partner, but something else. Surely, you are worth more and were not put on this earth for this.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Ell, thanks for your message and welcome to the forums. It sounds like a super tricky and awful situation to be involved in. I definitely think counselling would be an excellent idea, and they can offer you plenty of different ways to communicate with your partner. If you're husband is abusing drugs or alcohol I'm sure there's options - maybe he could talk to his doctor about it? Sorry to hear you're going through this. If it becomes really bad do you have options like staying with a family member or friend for a while? Sending you love.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi ell87,

Im really sorry you are enduring what I also endured. I was badly hurt emotionally and it effected my self esteem & confidence walking on egg shells. You're possibility grieving the man he once was. Its OK to be furious & know in your head and heart how damaging and scary the situation is.

Is it really a bad idea you stay somewhere else and have some distance until he acknowledges his behaviour as unfair, unjust & plain wrong.

You are too kind to listen to this stuff, and too beautiful to be changed by a coward.

I would reconsider my choice in man. I'm not saying this to offend but to help.

You could call the domestic violence line, lifeline, the beyond blue line for some councilling.

Please know its not your fault. He is responsible for what comes out of his mouth not you.

Best hopes & wished xxx