Not sure what to do!

[KK22]

Hey everyone! I've been with my BF for 2 years (we've lived together for 1 year). A few weeks into us meeting, he had told me that he didn't want to live in Sydney long term, at which point I told him my whole life is in Sydney & I never see myself leaving, so I told him that it would be better for him to date somebody else. He thought about it for a few days, came back & told me he wanted to be with me & that living here wasn't an issue.

Over the last 2 years we've looked at places to live & he's always chosen places in Sydney. Around 6 weeks ago however, I noticed that something had changed... he was being distant & avoiding me, wasn't talking to me when he was home & would take any chance to not be here on weekends (often telling me he would just be gone the Friday, but not coming back until the Sunday evening). I asked him what was going on & he said he has a big decision to make & he doesn't know what to do; the decision being that he loves me & wants to be with me (we've already spoken about engagement), but he doesn't want to be here. I asked him what's changed to make him feel that way & he told me that he's always felt that way &he went into this hoping he could change my mind (making me feel that I've been misled for 2 years). I started offering him compromises, to all of which he said no, but wasn't offering any solutions of his own.. he just kept saying he didn't want to be here. After 2 weeks of going back and forth on this, I ended up just telling him that he shouldn't stay here because of me because he'll just end up resenting me, so I told him to chase what he wants. We broke up but the day I was leaving, he then said he was happy to compromise. He also said he was happy to go to couple's counselling (which I had suggested months earlier & he had said no to). So the last few weeks we've been working on things & I thought we were moving in the right direction, only to find out this past weekend he's still not happy to compromise (so again I feel I've been putting in the effort the last few weeks when he's had one foot out the door).

So, we broke up a few days ago, but now he's willing to go with a different compromise, one that does suit us both however is of no benefit to me and I'd solely be doing it for him. I guess I'm not sure what to do because yes I am able to make the compromise, but all this back and forth has really made me doubt whether the compromise will make him happy long term or if we'll end up in the same position again.

[KK22]

Hi Ggrand! He hasn't made an ultimatum as such, but it just seems to be more he's doing this whether I'm coming along or not. And now I'm not understanding because I'm saying I'm coming to the Central Coast, which he identified as something he'd be happy with, but now that I've agreed to that, now that's not enough either. I feel like he doesn't realise what a big sacrifice that is for me to make, and it was very hurtful to go to him with that and have it thrown back in my face and be told 'I have to think about it' (to which he still hasn't gotten back to me).

My partner has an amazing job in Sydney, he earns a lot more than most and he loves what he does. If we were to move, I intend on keeping my business and my job but am willing to travel further to get to work (which is why I'm suggesting the Central Coast as it still allows me to do so). From what I've been told, he will really struggle to find work outside of Sydney, but he keeps telling me that's not the case. Obviously I've asked around because he may very well believe that to be the case... but from people in the same profession who have made that move, I've heard they soon find themselves back here.

I've suggested to him that we could both move to the Central Coast and maybe rent for a few more months to see how we like it before buying something, but it also seems like he's put tremendous pressure on himself to buy a house by a certain time and is not really thinking of any of the pros and cons to that. I could very well end up loving the Central Coast, but he could end up hating it if he can't find work so I don't think the right approach is to jump in and buy a house straight away... but that seems to be how he is approaching this.

[KK22]

Hi tranzcrybe, don't apologise, I understand where you're coming from but I feel I may not have explained the situation the best either.

BF has always been happy to move anywhere from the Central Coast and up, I've always preferred Sydney, but have told him I'm happy to move anywhere Central Coast and down... so we seem to be able to agree that we're both happy to move to the Central Coast. I do love both things, and I'm able to accommodate both things living on the Central Coast.. it increases travel time for me, but I've always said that's something I'm willing to deal with.

So that's where the confusion comes in, because we are both willing to go to the same place.. it's just that initially when I suggested it a number of weeks ago, he shut down that idea straight away... but more recently he's mentioned it quite often and has suggested I never mentioned it, which isn't the case.. it was actually the first option I gave him to solve all of this.

Unfortunately yes I'm not willing to go 4 hours away from Sydney and become completely reliant on him because I know I can't get a job all the way up North, but I'm not understanding what the issue is as he has said he's more than happy to go with the Central Coast, but now that I've brought that up, the goal posts have moved yet again.

[tranzcrybe]

If your concerns are being heard, it may be supportive (and enlightening) for BF to commute to Central Coast to secure and sustain the job he is confident to obtain as a show of faith for the travel you intend to do in return.
This would be the sacrifice he makes for you - albeit in the short term, but it is a demonstration of trust and commitment which should allay your fears.
It sounds like BF really wants to break away from the life you and he currently have as far as working goes; also, money may not be as enticing in comparison to raising a family (although one necessarily demands the other). Could you see yourself as a 'stay at home' mum with the one breadwinner? Not now? How about in 5 years?
Presently, you do seem preoccupied with workarounds to retain your work/life interests. Squeezing things into any available space can have repercussions for trying to juggle so many obligations - not only for yourself but also for those you love. BF may be more insightful and considers this a deal breaker.
Discuss these long term goals if not already - it is a life changing decision, but sometimes loss is gain in the broader scheme of things. You do need to be absolutely clear on all the pros and cons.
BTW, just curious... could BF have been traveling to Central Coast over those 'absent' weekends? Is this already a done deal? Evasiveness often sets a precedent, so please take care.

[Guest_1584]

The first part is pretty simple. He went to Sydney for you and the relationship and just hoped it would work out for him too , but he's just not happy , he tried.

The second part is the compromises now. l'd wager none of them are really what he wants , they're just still compromises , just like him moving to Sydney was. And that's why he keeps changing on them. Where do you think he'd really want to go if he really had a choice ? As far as his family , yeah there's a past by the sounds , but we get older , and realize a lot of things , and sometimes we want to try again. Your near your family that's also probably made him think more about his too over the yrs.

l'd love to know where he's getting to on the wkends too unless l've missed it in there.

Sorry l don't have a solution simply bc at heart l don't think he really wants any of the compromises.

rx