Not sure what to do?

[Kim1988]

Hi all. I’m in a bit of a pickle and I’m not sure what to do next. This is a bit of a long story, so apologies for the rant. Will try to keep it as short as I can.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years now, married for 4 years and we have a little 18-month-old baby boy. Just shortly after I had my son I caught onto a possible porn addiction of my husband’s. Everytime I bring it up though he of course denies it saying that it’s a guy thing to watch porn. I’m a fairly intelligent person so I’m well aware that even married men watch porn and I’m fine with it in moderation. Once a day is even fine.

Since I have cottoned onto it though he goes to great lengths to hide it from me e.g. using a private browser and he blatantly lies to me about his usage of it. Nothing gets resolved when we discuss it. I just get blamed for the addiction because apparently I’m not as sophisticated as these naked models that he follows on social media. He actually said this to me in an argument that we had months ago. Maybe he can ask one of these models to wake up at 5am everyday to take our son to daycare and then be at work on time? Cause that’s what I do. I work full-time and am raising a toddler. If they can do that then they might be more sophisticated than me.

His behaviour has escalated over the last 18 months. At first he created an Instagram account where the majority of the people he followed were half-naked red headed Instagram models. He deleted it once I found out about it. Now it’s escalated to actually saving photos of these models on his phone. I don’t know if someone is sending them to him, if he’s paying for these photos or not. I don’t know. It just makes me feel as though I’m not wanted. If he wants to find a woman like these models then he can go to them and I wish him all the luck in the world to find it.

It’s the lying that is upsetting me the most. He must have a) very little respect for me if he can just lie to my face like that and b) think I’m completely stupid that he thinks I’d never find out. I don’t like being made to look stupid. To make matters worse we have just moved to Perth from Sydney. I have no family here and no friends here. I’m so far away from them. I’m thinking about giving him an ultimatum he can a) start to admit that he has an addiction and we can go and get professional help together or b) if he’s not willing to admit that he has an issue that needs to be dealt with then I have to think about what’s best for myself as a person and what’s best for my son. My son deserves the best version of me possible and I’d rather be happy on my own than be with someone who thinks there’s better out there. I deserve better than that and I have to much respect for myself. If he doesn’t want to get help then I will be taking my son back to Sydney with me and going back to my family.

My husband is originally from France so he actually has no direct family here, so it’s up to him where he goes. He can stay in Perth, go back to France. I really could care less. I’m really hoping it doesn’t come to this though and he’s willing to work through this.

[smallwolf]

I'm really sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're facing. It's understandable that you're feeling hurt, frustrated, and uncertain about what to do next. Dealing with issues such as a porn addiction and trust can be incredibly challenging within a relationship. I also feel that you deserve to be in a supportive and respectful partnership where your feelings are valued.

Trust your instincts and prioritize what you believe is best for yourself and your child. Hae you been able to talk to anyone about what is happening at home? Friends, family, or support networks who can offer guidance and emotional support during this time.

In your post you sound as though you don't mind him watching a little. At the same time, your ultimatum and seeking professional help together sounds like a proactive step towards addressing the problem and finding a resolution.

While I cannot tell you what actions you should take, I do feel that you should be treated with respect and kindness and supported by your husband.

[tranzcrybe]

Could it be that the porn addiction is merely the straw that breaks the camel's back?
It appears that much has transpired in the lead up to this hiatus - moving to Perth, not finding friendships, work stress, the imbalance in the care of your son, and of course the blatant disregard for your feelings.
I doubt the porn fixation is as significant as your exclusion and what the secrecy/denial represents. In fact, porn can add some nuance to a relationship, adding curiosity and creativity if engaged on mutually beneficial terms.
However, pestering about the problem will surely only compound dissatisfaction; and while I understand this 'head in the sand' form of distraction is his attempt to escape or even show defiance, the underlying reasons may necessitate a broader range of issues best tackled together and in equal measure with a marriage counselor.
It may not be specifically 'his' problem, but 'a' problem affecting your relationship, and if you can adopt this way of thinking there may be a more collaborative approach to restoring trust and respect to carry things forward on an even keel.

[Sialani]

I’m so sorry to hear that you have been feeling this way, I can’t even imagine how you must be coping and raising your child through this situation. I feel your frustration and anger toward him. Do you think moving and him not having any direct connection where use are could be a reason why he feels a type of way. I personally know that when people who cannot handle being confronted tend to have no remorse or guilt over their actions or feelings especially if they are constantly being reminded of what their doing wrong or what you would want them to be doing. It’s very important especially since you have a child to ask him to accept help together, because he may not think he is doing anything wrong, and you cannot control his feelings and actions especially when feeling so stressed and emotional about all of it at once. It seems  you both cannot have open conversations and he isn’t showing that his choices are a problem to himself or you, which is why I would definitely recommend professional help that way you can be open and honest and know that if he isn’t willing to change things or commit then you know what you have to do for yourself and your child as no child, person should have to live their life feeling this type of frustration or constant feelings of betrayal especially when the other person doesn’t want to take accountability or responsibility for their partner and mother of their child. 

[Kim1988]

It’s got nothing to do with us moving. This behaviour started well before we moved to Perth unfortunately. 

[Sialani]

I’m sorry to hear that. I can hear your frustration. I would definitely recommend seeking professional help together and if he isn’t wanting it or open to that I feel nothing will be openly and honestly resolved unless you can both be respectful and honest with each other which hasn’t seemed to work in the past from what you had stated. 

[Kim1988]

I do love my husband, but if he's not willing to admit that he has a porn addiction and not willing to get help with it as one should do for any other type of addiction be it alcohol, gambling etc then I can't see any way forward for us together because I won't accept the blame for it anymore. He's an adult and needs to take responsibility for his behaviour. 

Watching porn is normal for men once in a while. I acknowledge that, but I don't think actually saving photos of naked women on your phone is normal. It might be normal for a single guy, or a teenager and someone in their early 20's, but I don't think it's normal for a married man in his late 30's with a family. Maybe that's just me though. 

You know what I have photos of? My son! Generally a person has photos of things that are of value and are important to them. If these models are valuable to him that's fine and I hope he funds someone like that. I don't want to, nor should I have to compete with this unrealistic view of women. If I didn't have to work full-time I might have time to look like that to, but the reality is I don't.

[smallwolf]

hey there. I am back again ...

I can understand that you're feeling frustrated and hurt by your husband's behavior regarding his porn addiction. That's perfectly OK. It's important to acknowledge and respect your own boundaries and needs in a relationship. It's not uncommon for individuals to have different perspectives on what is considered normal or acceptable when it comes to pornography and its impact on relationships.

It's also understandable that you might be questioning the role of such images in your relationship, especially when they seem to promote unrealistic expectations of women's appearances.

And I think (based on previous posts) you have tried to talk to your husband about it and ends with you feeling like the bad person. And what I am about to say might seem odd ... It might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your husband, expressing your feelings and concerns without placing blame; try to create a safe space where both of you can share your perspectives and emotions without judgment and to try to the find out the cause or the why. And doing this with "I" based communication.

Please remember to prioritize your own happiness and well-being while also exploring possibilities for growth and healing together.  Cause you deserve it.

[Croix]

Dear Kim1988~

It's very easy to be confused by what is 'normal or acceptable' and thus base your thoughts and expectations. I guess it might be better for you to go back to basics. A marriage is a partnership where each person wants the very best for the other, cherishes them and acts so as to make them glad, not hurt.

Obviously every relationship will have ups and downs but even so that should be that thread running though it all. So reading your posts I can't find an instance of your husband taking your feelings into consideration, instead either telling ridiculous untruths or blaming you as if you were lacking in some way. His behaviour continues unabated plus it is escalating.

This is very hurtful for many reasons, the first being he is not looking out for you - the one person in the  world who should. He is lying to you, blaming you and by actions and words making you feel inadequate and also not close enough to be trusted.

You have said if he were to admit there is a problem you'd be willing ot assist in dealing with it -that is loving and generous.

I'm afraid I can't see easy answers. Getting him to admit there is a problem sounds a big task and cross words will not do the trick, I've no idea what might.

If he did then I beleive it would need to be treated on two fronts. The first being addiction and habit, where it may be a slow process involving praise for small victories and encouragement during slip backs (hard for you to do I admit)

The second front is to find out why he retreats to fantasy (ie porn), if it was something in earlier life, and why attraction cannot remain with people rather than pictures.

These require a specialist psychiatric professional.

I'm sorry you are faced with all this - particularly alone. Have you considered counseling just to help you cope?

Croix

[Sialani]

I totally hear and understand your feelings and emotions in regarding stuff addiction and taking accountability for his actions and behaviour. To me I also understand and would personally be frustrated if my husband was constantly watching porn or having photos of other women on his phone and constantly lying or denying it. However if he doesn’t want to change or doesn’t think he needs help I don’t think your reaction of frustration or anger in regards to this or anything you say to him would matter and would only be wasting your time and energy which isn’t good for you either. When people cannot take blame or fault it can be very difficult and hard to understand or acknowledge their behaviour and I personally think asking him and finding out if he can or can’t commit for admit to these things that if it’s healthy for you or your child to be in this situation especially if it’s toxic and affecting everyday life for you and him and your child. Sometimes it’s hard to walk away or leave things that aren’t going our way but only you can know when enough is enough.