Not sure how to take how my husband treated me

[Kittykat]

I have always suspected my husband to be emotionally abusive and I had done alot of research and reading on it. I know he is most likely a covert naracissist. He only treats me badly, even my mum says she gets frustrated by how he treats me but then acts so kind in front of her. This morning our 2 year old caused a huge mess with the cat food whilst at the same time our 5 year old went through 3 different bowls of cereal before she would eat what I gave her. So of course my husband was pissed and then questioning me why there were so many uneaten bowls of cereal. I was cleaning up the huge cat biscuit mess and I said under my breath "just shut up" because I get sick of him always complaining about everything and I was the one cleaning up the mess but he wanted an answer to why there were bowls of uneaten cereal. He often goes on complaining rants. He heard me under my breath and I guess I said it just loud enough so he did hear me, I wont lie. But then he raised his voice and made me repeat what I said so I told him I said "shut up, you are going on and on again and you don't need to make your kid feel bad for not liking what they are having for breakfast" and his response was "who the hell do you think you are" and I said here we go again, because I know he was raised by a really controlling and abusive mum. I know he has a complex about being told what to do (so I know how to word asking him to do something if I need help, otherwise he cracks it at me). So I did tell him to shut up quietly because he was on another rant. He then said "honestly who the f%$# are you, you are nothing to me, just another peasant ". I didn't say anything back and gave it some time for him to cool down, I then told him what he said is horrible and is showing to me he might just be the naracissist I suspected with a grandiose view of himself. He then reckons I took it the wrong way and he said I was a peasant just like he is a peasant and everyone is a peasant. But would anyone else take it like he was referring to himself aswell... or just trying to make me know he thinks I am beneath him and he thinks the rest of society is beneath him. I think he was frustrated by the kids mess and me telling him to shut up that he let his true side show. Im so confused.

[quirkywords]

Kittykat

I can relate to your post as my partner is wonderful to everyone, he is a member of a community group and has won many awards. 
I think some people find it hard not be centre of attention and they always are right.I too whisper under my breath as a way of coping. 

we are a lot older than you and are children have children.

I think you need support do you know you are being manipulated. My partner will call me terrible names then a while later deny having called me names. 
I used to blame myself for his bad behaviour. 
It is confusing and exhausting. 

[Kittykat]

Thank you so much for your support. It is very confusing the way he manipulates words. I actually feel bad that I can see what is happening now but I am still trying to convince myself that it is emotional abuse. I guess that is why I'm reaching out here. I have been with him for 20 years and he was my first boyfriend. I didnt know what emotional abused was until I started googling things after our first son. Its even harder now because we have 3 children and 2 of them have a disability so with out my husband I am scared of being able to manage but I also wonder if I might do better without him. So I blame myself for staying but I also still question if my husband is right when he tells me Im the problem because I do feel like maybe I do complain to much at times. 

[quirkywords]

Kittykat

you need some support so you can work out how to cope. I have been with partner for ten years and because if my age 

[quirkywords]

Sorry message sent early.

I was writing I feel I am too old to go separate ways. Do you have times when you feel everything is fine or are you stressed everyday.?
I find maybe a few times a week partner has an outburst. If I agree with him all the time he would be happy but I would feel I am a doormat. 
I stand up to him and try to be calm and rational and positive. 

[Kittykat]

I have stress everyday because of dealing with my children's needs. My husband is just an added stress. He has refused to do what our children's therapists tell us to do because he says its ridiculous he can't raise his children without being told how to raise them. So I do struggle with raising them the best I can and following all the therapy and recommendations and not having his support. That feels like a daily struggle. When it comes to our relationship, it does go from good to bad to good etc etc. When I say nothing and just agree with him, everything seems to be good. As soon as I start questioning him or telling him he is being negative or critical, it turns to crap. When I get really stressed out I will have a few drinks, but when I do that I get accussed of being drunk or not remembering things correctly.  I have been writing things down for a long time now, so I have a good record of things he has said. That in itself makes me think how toxic our relationship is. I only write things down after they happen because so many times he has said things and then when I bring them up he tells me that it is not what he said and accusses me of twisting what he said. Now he knows I write down things he says its all because I'm taking it the wrong way.  I do feel like an idiot because I see it but I gave up my career 10 years ago and now I can't find a job where I could work hours around my kids therapy and doctors appointments. A while ago I did ask him if we could seperate amicably and go our seperate ways and he agreed but told me I had to leave our family home. He knows I have no other family and can't just move the kids because of their medical needs. He has local family and could go and stay with them until we could sell our house and work things out. He refused to leave and said if he was that bad I would just leave. It is crazy, I technically I have no option but to stay right now. Until my kids are older and hopefully don't need as much support. 

[Guest_9972]

From what you've described, his behavior does sound emotionally abusive and manipulative, especially with the belittling comments like calling you a "peasant."

Trust your instincts; it's not okay for anyone to speak to you like that.

It's understandable to feel confused and hurt.

If you haven't already, seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist could be really helpful for navigating this difficult situation.

[quirkywords]

Kittykat

I am wondering how you are going ..?

I realise it is hard for you to cope with the abuse or stress. 
we are here to support and listen to you. 

[therising]

Hi Kittykat

I feel for you so much, given all the challenges you face. With so much to make sense of, I'm wondering whether seeing someone who can help you make sense of the relationship you share with your husband could possibly make a difference in regard to the way forward. I can recall some years back, when my kids were much younger, going to see a marriage counselor on my own (as my husband didn't want to go). I learned a lot, not just about what a healthy relationship is but also about myself and my own needs as a person. As we become all things to all people, I think there can be a tendency to lose our self along the way. Finding someone to help us remember who we are and what we truly need, in order to be able to make our way through life, is so incredibly important.

Not sure whether you can relate but I can recall a few years back, into my now 21 year marriage, 'When the heck did I become such a people pleaser and how the heck did that happen?'. It's like you can go for years not rocking the boat or being too challenging and then one day suddenly wake up to find the bar you've set for yourself in your relationship has lowered to the point where it's depressing. 'How and when did I come to tolerate being spoken to like that? When an how did I come to tolerate putting my husband's needs, in the way of peace and happiness, before mine? When and how did I come to tolerate suppressing a lot of my feelings?' and the list goes on. Then one day something in you just wakes up and screams 'ENOUGH!!! What the hell are you doing?!'. I have to say this part of me that's come to life can be intolerant, demanding, expressive and is truly upstanding for myself and my kids. It's a part I almost constantly suppressed for years. I think our love for our kids can have that kind of impact. Kinda like 'If I don't rock the boat, the kids will continue to have what they need and will thrive on. They wouldn't thrive or benefit anywhere near as much if I was a single working mother without as much time for them'. A stay at home parent (mother or father) can be willing to sacrifice just about anything for their child/ren, including their own needs and self esteem. We don't necessarily see those thing gradually diminishing over time.

I think parents teach their children how to be a partner and parent to some degree, through example. So when that child grows up and becomes a partner and a parent themself, you might see elements of one or both parents in them. If your husband's mum and/or dad was an intolerant closed minded dictator, as opposed to a thoughtful and highly communicative problem solver, he may not have skills in being thoughtful, considerate with his words and open minded in the way of solving or resolving issues. If his attitude on this is 'I shouldn't have to be so thoughtful, considerate with my words and so open minded', hmmm, what can you say? Kinda leaves you scratching your head🤔. With an opportunity to evolve above and beyond our parent's relationship style or parenting style, why not evolve? Btw, being a gal who's a real feeler of words, I didn't feel the peasant comment as much as I felt the part '...you mean nothing to me...'. To that, the intolerant cow in me🐮😊 (who I love with all my heart) would push me to say 'Dude, that's only because you don't recognise true brilliance and there's your problem right there'. 😁