Not in a Happy Place

[Petals54]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on this site, I will try to keep it brief and I do apologize if I do ramble.

I’m 54, about to turn 55 this month, I am married and been together with my husband for nearly 7 years. In 2012, I was diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety & Depression after a work place injury which required 2 hand surgeries. After the surgeries & counseling things were going well, I got married in 2014 , then it all went to crap.... I was diagnosed with Perimenopause and everything changed for me... my anxiety and depression started to creep back into my life and I also realized that my husband had the most paranoid/ Controlling/ ADHD/ extreme temper behaviors that the never really noticed before... So, here I am in a daily basis, not knowing what mood my husband will be in, whether he will fly off the handle over burnt toast, I ‘m feeling anxious even before I get out of bed, I feel stressed every single day and I put a fake smile on my face. We are together 24/7.... we have our own business, he doesn’t want me to get my own job, I have no friends....

I have been seriously thinking I want my old life back, I am so so tired of feeling anxious and stressed on a daily basis. I still love my husband but not enough to live like this, does that make sense? My husband has told me during arguments that if I am not happy I should pack up and leave, maybe I should, I just know I am not happy, I feel like I am living a lie and I feel lost.... I want my own space to do nothing, not be constantly on the go like i am now. I just don’t know what to do or where to start.

Thankyou for listening

take care

Jayne

[Petals54]

Hi Quiky,

Thanks for your reply. I guess there is never a right time to say i’m Leaving. I’ve kind of given myself a goal of leaving before Christmas as I seriously cannot see myself here but that goal of course can change. Our 7th anniversary together is in 2 weeks and my heart just isn’t in it, I don’t hate him, I just can’t live with him and his behavior, sad but true.

Petals54

[Petals54]

Hi Everyone,

Well it’s day 2 of our month off from work ( to celebrate my birthday month)and today I actually got to be on my own for 3 whole hours to do shopping for myself ...woo hoo!!!! Husband insisted that he drive me there and back and told me not to act like a “victim” by showing my anxious fidgety traits.. Yesterday he went off over not having the right can of pet food, I was in tears and thought to myself that this whole month off is supposed to be all about me and my birthday and it hasn’t even lasted a day before he went off.. He has taken over my joy in regards to my 20 kg weight loss, he wants me in skimpy bikinis, suggestive flashy tops and short flippy skirts, I don’t want to be seen in that way, I have bought smaller size clothes and i’m Happy with that but with him there is always a sexual connotation... I know that he is in some way trying to make up for his behavior by showering me with gifts in a way to say sorry it’s all good until the next time his temper goes off the rails or he intimidates the next door neighbor he hates so much. Why can’t I have the courage to say enough, is it something inside of me that is saying I don’t want to hurt him or something else, is it fear? I just don’t know...

Petals54

[monkey_magic]

Hi Petals54,

From the outside looking in I'd say you've adapted to avoid those angry outbursts and to keep the peace. Standing up to him could enrage him.

It sounds like he doesn't know how to respect a woman by the way he thinks you should dress. Your taste in clothes are very different from each others. If he's trying to sexualize you I wouldn't be very happy with that situation either. You are worth more than his trophy.

I dont understand why ppl get so angry over the smallest of things- like, pet food.

Sorry you've had a hard time of it with him.

I rem living with an angry alcoholic - i was renting his granny flat. It wasn't a pleasant experience at all...i lasted about 2 months and packed up my stuff and left. Walking on eggshells and not being able to have clear communication with him just wasn't working out. If something isn't working it's not worth your self confidence and self esteem. These men crush it. I wouldn't stand up to him to simply keep the peace.

MM

[Petals54]

Hi MM,

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I am so used to going along with things to avoid an argument, you could say I have become a YES person... I am now 55 years old and too old for playing games, yet here I am playing his game. The other thing that bugs me is that people who know us are so happy that we are together, we’re the perfect couple, in my head i’m thinking you have no idea what I have to deal with on a daily basis, all is not always what it seems.

I ‘m taking each day as it comes and see what happens I guess.

Petals54

[quirkywords]

Petals,

I am wishing you a month of joyful moments and lots of calm

I think I am like you as I do not handle any confrontation and I say sorry all the time even when it was not my fault.

I would rather apologise and diffuse a possible angry outrage than stand up because I was not at fault.

think we all do what we have to cope with any uncomfortable situation.

If you have a partner who is drinking and rude to others, then people feel sorry for you but if you have a partner who everyone else sees as being wonderful but you mainly see the angry and controlling side, people would not believe you when you try to explain what your life is like.

It is a difficult situation and your husband is probably so well behaved in front of others.

You know the truth of what you have to cope with .

Quirky

[Petals54]

Hello Quirky,

How are you, good I Hope? Thank you for your reply and for my wish of a month full of joyous times and calm... I wish I could say I have had my fill of both these things, unfortunately it’s not the case.

This month was our 7 years together anniversary , he didn’t remember and I spitefully reminded him 4 days later.., he decided that we celebrate that anniversary along with my birthday by going to a fancy French restaurant.... all I can think of in my mind is how the heck did I get to this point??? How on earth am I going to sit opposite him in a restaurant with a fake smile on my face??? I am living a lie and leading him on...

People who know us, know that he has a very weird dry sense of humor which he does show at home as well, they look at quiet me and say well you married him!!!! We rarely go out, we have no friends other than a couple of neighbors and 2 other people we used to work with, I love talking to other people as I feel human and can be myself until he butts in to the story that I may be telling, it’s as if he wants me all to himself?!

I recently lost 20kgs as I mentioned before, I went shopping and I can now fit into a size 12..., yay me!!! The first thing he said was “ oh, you’re going to get plenty of looks in the tight top and jeans you’re wearing , guys will be thinking, gee , I bet she’s good in bed” and of course if I try and rebuke him, he’ll say he’s just joking!!!!

It’s been over a year since I slept in our bed, due to night sweats ( Perimenopause) and the fact him touching me makes me feel physically ill.. I sleep in our lounge and here I get time on my own. This is my life, sad but true.

I fully agree with you, I too apologize even if I am not at fault, it’s just easier to do rather that deal with the outburst.

I truly feel like I am in limbo. I want to say I have had enough but and I am leaving but not sure how to tell him... any ideas?

Take care

Petals54

PS: sorry for rambling on.

[geoff]

Hello Petals, and I think MM has said most of it well (hi Quirky)and I think you've summed it up yourself 'just can’t live with him and his behaviour'

Being around a controlling person can be extremally emotionally draining, leaving you stressed out and confused and for him to make you as he wants you to be means you can't express yourself, you're not doing as you need to do.

You don't have to say 'enough' if that's too hard because he will always come back with a different approach, one which is not kept, so you need to organise yourself so that when you go most things will be set up.

It's the hesitation that's holding you, but do as you want to do, and please get back to us so we can help you if that's what you require.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Petals54]

Hello Geoff,

Thank You for your reply. Yes, I am slowly trying to get things in place such as a job, where to stay so that I can just go. After speaking to 1800 RESPECT I am aware that there are services that can help me if and when I need it... I know all this but yet I am still here, is it because I am afraid to take that final step and leave, afraid that I will hurt his feelings or afraid what other people will think of me..,, or all of the above?!

I will be back here to not only let you all know how I am going but also to vent and voice my fears.

Thank You again

Petals54

[Petals54]

Hello everyone,

Things here feeling strange type of vibe going on, definitely the feeling that we are totally out of sync although I have had that fee for quite some time! He has now decided that it should be me to engage in sex and come up with new and exciting things to do ( eg role plays, outdoors etc) he says it is now up to me as he is always the one to come up with ideas... I think maybe he has a fair idea how much I am beginning to hate sex in general?!

I have revised my plan to leave, still not sure when but hopefully before Christmas... my original plan was to get a job then leave but as he is with me all day I cannot actively look without him knowing about it.... so my plan is to find somewhere cheap to stay until I get myself sorted... is this a plan??? Also the other question is what do I tell our neighbors / couple of friends of ours after I have left? Am I too concerned as to how others will think of me?

I appreciate your thoughts please.

Petals54

[monkey_magic]

Hi Petals54,

You are the most important person in your life, you matter and what anyone else thinks is irrelevant. They aren't in your shoes and if they knew how bad you felt in your relationship I'm sure they'll understand and be supportive. If not it's their loss. Tell them as much or as little as you like really. Remember they are not in your relationship, you are and you must do whats right for you.

Ive lived in cheaper places - I've rented a house extension, granny flat and room before so I can say it's doable. I wasn't working when I was renting I left out of necessity. I just hope that you can find work. Securing work beforehand is the safer/secure option but with him breathing down your neck.....??

It can be really hard to leave. You could write a list of pros and cons about your relationship and write what your dream life would look like and aim for that. I've been in some difficult relationships and it felt freeing to leave.

The grass can be greener on the other side. That's how my life went- away from difficult men...