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No sex in long term relationship

Community Member


I'm writing because I'm in a long term relationship ( 3 years ) and we don't have much sex anymore. It has been at least 3 months since the last time. We are both 25 and live together. At the start of our relationship, we used to do it multiple times a week, then it slowly went down to what it is now. I have brought up the topic with him, asking if there was an issue, what was the reason he didn't want to have sex as often anymore but the conversation never ends well and he always gets annoyed. He has said that he doesn't need to have that much sex, and he is fine like this. But I am not even asking for that much sex, just to meet me half way. The last time we had this conversation he said: "if it's so important to you then if you want just leave". I just don't know how to talk to him about it, without him getting mad. He never seems to see my point. I do not know what to do.

I know he loves me and all, but I do not feel wanted, I do not feel 'sexy' anymore around him, it just feels like he doesn't care anymore.

2 Replies 2

Community Member
Hello there I'm in the same situation as you are and know what your feeling. I've been with my partner for 10 years now and we hardly touch each other, some say sex isn't important in a relationship but I can tell you it most definitely does play a key part in getting along with each other. I feel the same way you do unwanted and not close with her. It feels like everyone else is a happy couple but we are not. I've tried to tell her but it just ends in fights and arguments all the time I'm at ends really and don't know what to do but at least I know there is someone else in the same situation as me that has the same horrible unwanted feelings as me.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Am123

It's definitely one way of feeling excitement in the relationship.

I suppose there can be numerous reasons for no longer feeling the vibe in this way:

  • Every day life stressors can dull our ability to really feel excitement in a number of ways
  • A lack of feeling grounded due to current issues or even past issues in our life, resurfacing in some way
  • The usual things that used to give us a buzz in the bedroom can be things we've become so used to that they just aren't doing it for us anymore to a significant degree. Adventuring (adding ventures) can sometimes help restore the buzz
  • A lack of self love. We may be thinking 'Why doesn't our partner actively love us in that way anymore?' when in fact the lack of attraction comes down to a lack of love they're experiencing for them self
  • Depression can be another factor which includes the last point as well as certain chemical imbalances. Oxytocin (aka the love or bonding hormone) can be low in depression
  • Chemical imbalances which relate directly to drive can be yet another factor. Testosterone is a significant one

There can be a pretty long list of reasons for why body and mind aren't naturally going with the flow in this way of expression within a relationship.

Something else to consider is the idea that your partner might take a lot longer than they used to, to get worked up. Working our partner up might have once taken only minutes but gradually we might find it takes an hour or more. Sometimes we may need to work things out for them (work out the stress in their body) before they can begin feeling worked up in the way of excitement. Some gentle background music, some massage oil and the gentle glow of a candle may offer some much needed relaxation and shift in chemistry.

if your partner's not feeling the vibe, there's a possibility they're asking 'What's wrong with me?' This is actually a valid question, as long as there is a quest for helpful answers. If there's no quest for helpful answers 'What's wrong with me?!' becomes more like a self defeating statement, which can become depressing. The helpful answer to 'What's wrong with me?' could be something as straight forward as 'There's so much stress in my mind and body that I can't relax into excitement easily'.

If you decide to try relaxation techniques such as massage, keep in mind, the intention is to serve (in the way of stress release). If our partner knows our intention is to get what we can out of it, there could be some resentment.