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New relationship, stalker, at breaking point.

Loupa
Community Member
I've been separated for 2+ years. It was very messy & someone I can't avoid as he's in the same workplace. I have recently met someone (5 weeks ago). It was an amazing initial few weeks. & things were moving very fast-met his family & friends, book a couple of holidays etc. This new man went cold turkey off his anti depressants and I've been supporting him through that-withdrawals etc. He has since developed shingles ?linked to this. He has also had someone very close to him pass away, among other terrible things in the space of a few weeks. We recently had a fight over what I thought was quite trivial & now he has really stepped back. We are supposed to be going on a mini holiday in a few days which coincides with his birthday. I have gone from cloud 9 & feeling really secure and excited about the now & potential future to feeling powerless, anxious and doubting myself. I'm a shift worker & am struggling to sleep & eat. I feel incredibly emotional & as soon as work finishes I climb into bed to escape. I'm so scared that I'm going back to a dark place. I'm moody, snappy & desperately wanting to resolve things. I think it's fair to say that one of my best friends has become a stalker. He recently confessed his love for me and is ignoring all my plees to give me space. I feel suffocated by his ongoing emotion filled texts and calls and not respecting what I have with this new person. He can see my every move on a map while I'm at work & I work in a high stress job so it's very overwhelming. He has visited my parents' home breaking down in front of them & has sent me gifts, flowers & even a book with typed up promises with a cut out spot for a ring for the day he promised to me! It's not normal behaviour at all and I have no doubt it has lead to my stress and effected things with this new guy. I'm barely functioning and am crying at the drop of a hat. Needing help & advice please.
5 Replies 5

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Loupa, welcome

essentially the alleged stalking is a police matter. So pop down y o your local station to chat with them. Gather all evidence you can, dates, times, addresses, phone numbers and rego numbers.

Your need for sleep is common with shift work and emotional instability. I suggest you are the one needing the short holiday and I'd be taking that alone to test and get this new man in perspective.

Regards Tony WK

Elizabethvan
Community Member

Hi Loupa,

really interesting I went through the exact thing you went through with the guy in your first half of the post. I broke up with an ex, and a month later met an Amazing man, he treated me well, was the most affectionate, loved up couple, he'd photograph me on a constant and post them on his Instagram, planning trips to Japan at the end of the year, met his family, I thought we were absolutely perfect then randomly he spiralled in depression then lost his grandma (I had met her a week before her passing and they were very close as he lived with her) He stepped away and would barely even reply to my texts. We went our seperate ways only a month ago but it does get better. I'm sure if this man found something amazing in you, another man will find it aswell. Everyone constributes to this world in their own way, sometimes we feel lonely but we matter. Don't let this little bump in the toad effect you. Wonderful people continue to grow through hardship. xx

kanga_brumby
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Loupa what you have described with the bloke going to your family etc. Is stalking and a police matter. Get all the evidence you can take it to police let them deal with him. Also let you family know what is happening tell them its unwanted advances, you can inform your boss as well. Especially if it is getting sexual. Unexceptional behavior should not be tolerated anywhere.

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Loupa

Nice to meet you. As the two posts above have said you have two problems. The stalker is a serious problem so please report this to your local police. Texts, email, letters, visits to your parents, anything and everything he has sent to you is evidence. How did your parents feel when this man popped into their lives? Did he give then impression you two were an item?

The other problem is your new relationship. Five weeks is very fast to develop a relationship in which you are planning a holiday together. It's especially true when someone has stopped taking medication such as an antidepressant and doing it cold turkey. Always an unwise thing to do.

I suggest you follow Tony's advice and go on holiday alone. Once the BF has either got over his withdrawal symptoms or gone back on medication, and you are both still interested, then pick up the friendship again. His reaction to the sad things that have happened to him seem to him out of proportion because he is depressed and battling withdrawal. Not a pretty sight. You must let him get well by himself, presuming he has other family members to help and/or professional medical help.

This is not your battle and allowing yourself to be part of it is making life more stressful. It's not selfish, in case you are thinking that. It's reasonable, especially given your problem with a stalker. That is hugely scary and I do urge you to get help with this immediately.

Mary

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Loupa,

You have already received some good advice and suggestions here. If I may ask a couple of questions, is your ex still in the same workplace as you and do you bump into him very often if he is? Also how can this stalker track you at work? If it is through your mobile phone, can you change your contact details so he doesn't have access?

It may help you to use one of the phone help lines like Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or Life Line. I have used these before, the people are very understanding and will be able to listen to you and provide further advice.

As far as I am aware, Shingles is related to the Chicken Pox virus and may be brought on by stress or ill health, not always so though.

Like others have suggested, a holiday might be just what you need right now. As you were thinking of going away for your boyfriend's birthday, you might like to send him a card and let him know you will catch up with him again when he feels better...or not, depending on what you decide.

I too agree you need to do something about the stalker guy.

Mrs. D.