New friendship restrictions

[Canopy]

Hi, 
I'm navigating living in a new area and making new friends. 

I've been developing a friendship with a woman over the past year. 

She, like myself, has been through a lot of hardship. We go walking together with her dog and it's always under her control as to the when, the where, the how long. Now that I'm fine with as she's busier than myself and so it works for both of us. 

Recently we went to a thing about the coast where we live. On the drive home I was having a rant, as I do when something perplexes me. Now my rants last for about 10 minutes then I'm over and done with it and my rants often lead to interesting discussions around big world topics ... with other people but not with this person. She went deadly silent, so I remarked how I loved how loud her silence was and I was intrigued by it. She then went on to say "You're berating me." I was shocked and taken aback. My first response was put my hand to my chest and apologised sincerely while asking her what she thinks was "berating", was it the topic or my tone and asked her to help me understand. It came to light that she was feeling "battered" that day and it was a day of a painful anniversary for her. Now I had no idea about any of this, if I had known I would have curbed my conversation. 

On coming home, we left each other well. But when I came inside I was gutted. Berating someone is verbal abuse and I was certainly not engaging in that and nor has anyone in my 55 years told me I'm berating them. I bumped her an email and said how sorry I was that she was hurting so badly and that I was cooking a big pot of food up and would love to drop her some off. 

In her response she apologised to me for using the word berating, which she frankly needed to do. She then went on to tell me that she has no care to talk about the state of the world and has made a pact with herself to not talk about anything she cannot change as it's simply not beneficial to anyone. Basically a polite way to tell me to shut up and not talk about world affairs - which we mostly don't, by the way. 

Now, I'm familiar with boundary setting. But boundary setting in my eyes is not a directive or restriction to someone else, it's what I can take control of ... myself and not make demands on other people. I've not encountered this before and I've also seen streaks of control in this person with other issues. 

I've been obsessively ruminating about this for a month. My psychiatrist is away. I feel she is limiting and restricting me. 

Thanks 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Canopy,

Thank you so much for sharing so openly here. It’s not always easy to reach out, especially when you’re in a new area and trying to build connections. It makes sense that this situation would feel disheartening, especially if it caught you off guard.

It sounds like you’ve been trying to communicate with your friend, which is such an important step. When things feel uncomfortable, many of us are tempted to avoid the issue altogether, so it’s really positive that you’ve leaned into the conversation.

This does sound like a tricky situation. From your perspective, discussing current events is meaningful and important. For your friend, it seems like avoiding those topics is a way of protecting her mental health, especially with the constant stream of distressing news. While it can feel frustrating when someone sets a boundary like that, it’s often more about their own needs than a reflection on us.

It’s completely normal to feel a bit rejected or confused when boundaries are set, and it’s okay to sit with those feelings for a while. Do you have a sense of what your gut is telling you about how you’d like to move forward with this friendship?

If you ever feel like talking more, especially while your psychiatrist is away, you’re always welcome to reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or via webchat. Sometimes just having someone to listen can feel helpful.

Thanks again for sharing with us. Please feel free to pop back into the thread and let us know how you’re going. You’re not alone in this.

Take good care of yourself, Canopy 💙

Kind regards,
Sophie M