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Need some Answeres about family & sibling issues.

Nhelw1
Community Member

For as long as I can remember I'm not sure why but my brother always had something against me, There's been many seperate individual events but all in all just years of verbal, mental, psyical and General abuse. I am nearly 25 years old and it's getting to the stage where I will no longer deal with the issue but I have this strong push to legally do something so I can move on and live normally but I also don't want to put further strain on my family and defiantly not my parents. To make things a little more complicated, both my brother and I are working within a large family business that makes life that little bit harder. With all the things that have happened over the years I have always tried to be the bigger person but the truth is I'm 24 and he's just over 30 now. Just to give out some background. Things begun a really long time ago. I know as I was a kid I was constantly being pushed away from him when all I really wanted to do was be with him. If I tried to much to be with him things would either get very verbal or very psyical. I've been picked up by the neck and sworn to that one day I will die and so much more but I just don't know what to do anymore. Everyday there is that worry about "what's gunna happen next" but at the same time all I really want to do is move on. I can't seem to forget things and whenever I see him I feel angry. ive had some major health issues over the last year, I spend just under 5 months in hospital last year and the recovery is taking a long time. I am doing my best to get back into work and get on track however as much as I try he seems to keep wanting to tell me I don't put enough effort in and I'm basically useles.

I'm forever being told by my other siblings that he is in the wrong and he can't be changed but now I'm getting told by them that I'm in the wrong because I won't immediately forget everything and move on but no one seems to want to recognise that it's still going on and that I can't forget. They seem to always criticise but no one wants to help. I also have a lot of anger towards my parents because even though they knew many things nothing was ever done and still isn't. I don't want to be angry at anyone I just want to be with my family however I constantly feel out of place and uncomfortable around them.

Anyways I could probably talk for ever but what I really want to ask is. Should I take legal action to better my life or should I leave it, I'm stuck between a rock wall. I don't know what to do.

13 Replies 13

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Nhelwl 1. Hello and welcome. I'm wondering if perhaps there's some jealousy towards you from your brother. He's 6 years older, not sure where you are in relation to your other siblings, but if you two are first, he could be jealous because, in his mind, you replaced him in your parents affection. The never-ending abuse has left emotional scars that need to be 'healed'. Are your parents aware of his ill-treatment towards you? When a child has a few years being the only child, he forms an emotional attachment to mum and dad. If there are other children immediately following first born, things are not quite so intense. There are some children who react very strongly when they find out there's going to be another child. Some look forward, other's resent strongly because they fear they're not going to be loved as much. It sounds like your brother falls into the latter category. You are not in the 'wrong' because you can't forget, he is not in the wrong either, actually because if you asked him why he's treated you as such, he may not really understand either. If he was not prepared for your birth, chances are the fear started either just before your birth, or immediately after. Perhaps your mum subconsciously pushed him to one side to tend to you. I'm not trying to suggest she deliberately did this, she would possibly deny if she was asked. This would've created quite an emotional feeling of rejection for your brother. I think perhaps it might be best for you to distance yourself, rather than pursue legal action which could stir up more problems. Perhaps at this stage, it would be a good idea to mention to your family that you're thinking of leaving the family for a while to get some experience elsewhere. I wouldn't get into any arguments about it, you're old enough to decide for yourself what you want from life. You can always promise to return and keep in touch. How old are your siblings? What's his relationship like with them?

Have a think about what's right for you. If you do decide to leave, it'll give you a chance to think about whether you want to try to make peace later with your brother.

Lynda.

Nhelw1
Community Member

Hi Linda, thank you for your reply.

I have 3 sisters and one brother. I the youngest and there is 2 siblings between us.

My parents have basically come to the stage where they are asking me what they should do because I simply think they don't know what to do.my siblings arnt much help as their all married and have kids. My brother also is married and had kids. My sisters are always there to listen but they as well don't know what to do.when I mentioned legal action all I really mean is to make statements because I feel like at somestage it will need to happen.I was the only child left living at home and I have moved out of home recently. I defiantly understand where you're coming from because I've always wondered that but unfortunately in all circumstances that I can remember old and new it's like things just snap. I've tried to talk to him and ask what the issues were and what I have done however he responded by attempting to crack a glass bottle on my head. Luckily my mother just saw it and had to grab him. Funny thing was this was only a few years ago. Since then I have come to the conclusion that I can't better the situation so I kept my distance and didn't get involved with him at all but even though I did that on my siblings recommendation that's now starting to bite me back. He no longer likes the fact I don't respond to his silly ways so he won't let up. as much as I would love things to be perfect I simply don't see it happening I am now trying for my parents sake. I have always said to my whole family and him that if there is something I've done please tell me so I can fix it but no one seems to reply. the last time we sat down with my mum to talk he kept wanting me to literally lost each and every event of what he has done wrong. What surprised me during that was he has no recollection of so many things. Even recent. I felt like I was simply being laughed at because as I said one thing he would reply with a smirk "what else" and my mum just sat there. Recently ive decided for my own health that I need to either have a lot of distance or get it fixed, unfortunately I have some not so good health issues due to stress and if I put my body under more the doctors and surgeons state that it will not be able to manage and either put me back in surgery or end it if it's bad enough.

At at the least all I want to do is keep my parents happy and in no stress. It that means me having stress and them not I am willing to do so I just don't know what.

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear Nhelw1

Hello and welcome to BB. I am sorry you have been abused so much. I really hope we can help you to work out your next step.

Pipsy has made some valid points about the relationship between your brother, yourself and your parents. My elder brother and sister were born two years apart and they always fought, although it was not the abuse you describe. I was the fourth child and eight years younger than my brother. I adored him. So family position can make a difference.

I am inclined to agree with Pipsy about leaving home. Your other siblings have either reconciled themselves to this brother's treatment of you or they do not know the extent of the abuse. I find I am hoping it is the second reason why they do not assist you in stopping the abuse.

How would it be received if you found another job outside of the family business? That way you would reduce the time your brother has to hurt you. This is one option you could explore. Once you have found a good job away from the family you can consider moving into your own home, either renting or buying. That way your brother cannot harm you.

What I suggest is you contact the Women's Legal Service in your state and make an appointment there. They will be able to advise you. Meanwhile, have you kept a record of these incidents? Obviously not when you were very young, but in recent years. It would be good to start writing what has happened to you, describing each incident as fully as possible. If you can, put your age at the time.

This will be an important part of your consultation with a lawyer. They will ask you for specific examples. Did you ever tell your parents what was happening? Write this down as well and their responses. Similarly your siblings reactions.

You are not to blame. It is difficult for others to understand how dreadful it is to be constantly harassed and abused. Each incident may seem small and insignificant to an observer, but the result of these constant attacks can destroy your sense of well being and confidence, also your trust in others and your ability to form healthy relationships. And that's without the constant hurt. Your parents should have stopped this behaviour when your brother was small, because he takes their silence as consent or even as applause for his actions. He is definitely old enough to understand his actions are not acceptable and your family also know this but are hiding behind your inability to defend yourself.

Please let us know how you are going.

Mary

pipsy
Community Member

Hi there. With the things you're saying you and I could be related. It could be that your brother with his smirking is really his way of saying, it's your problem. He also sounds as though he's in denial. A lot of his actions are simply to torment you, to see how long before you react. My mum always said to ignore my brother, unfortunately, it doesn't work. Even when you don't react, this angers him, so he tried harder to get a reaction. He's bullying you and, unfortunately, your best course of action is to distance yourself. It also sounds as though your health is suffering as a result of all this friction. Getting statements won't really make much difference as people often retract what they've told you previously. With him telling you he 'can't remember' my brother did that too. Asking him to leave would be good, except it could cause more trouble for you and family. Can I ask if he has a drink or substance abuse problem? Quite often when there's substance abuse, this adds to the problem as the abuser gets 'Dutch courage' to create further havoc. I think you leaving is really your best option for your health as well as your family. Keep in touch with your family, but refrain from mentioning your brother.

Lynda.

Dear Nhelw1

Whoops! While I was writing my reply I see you responded to Pipsy making some of my comments unnecessary. So please ignore those you have already answered.

I really think you should talk to your GP about everything you have written here. He/she may some ideas for managing him. I am also wondering if he has a mental illness himself. Anyway, I wanted you to know our posts had crossed so you have no need to repeat your answers.

Mary

Thanks for your help and time.

I have recently moved out of home (been out for about a month) and I have been considering distancing myself from the company. I do have my own company and projects however I stay in the family company because my dad is always looking like he needs help, the company has a lot of growth happening and unfortunately yes it does cause lots of friction.

on the lines of work he has always seemed to find his way around us working together and digging into my personal life. I remember a specific time while I was in the pool with my friends he came out and gave this splur about how I've got life easy and money just seems to fall into my hands. I see what he was trying to do because it's not the first time he's wanting to drive me away from friendship but luckily my friends have seen him in true light and know what he's trying to do.

he is always on my back about how I don't do enough (which I think is funny because in the 7years I've been there starting out as a technician and now to general manager he has seemed never to want to do more than technician). I get confused when he says things like this and also tells me what I am doing wrong but never wants to put any more effort into helping. It's like he comes in, lets a bomb go of them leaves and I'm supposed to figure it out.

I I think the fact that I moved away from the family home has made things a lot easier for me, I no longer spend each night going from work straight to my room. I have an awesome room mate and we get along great. But I do get upset because I know my mum is hurting.

on another note, due to my Heath I'll always have issues with psyical stuff but I can probably say I've been a bit more paranoid since nearly dying a few times however I got told a few days ago that that person believed that since I was in hospital they no longer think I am mentally stable but everyone I ask even my parents doesn't agree. I am so confused.

With my brother, I'm going to keep my distance and hope he doesn't go on any more tracking down chases to put me in any more strife. I will defiantly write all events down and I've got many friends in the law industry so I will try and speak with them.

thank you for your time

Nhelw1
Community Member

Wow, what you explain there is so much alike him. If you reply to his fit it just gets worse but if I also stay silent he goes crazy. I don't get it, I remember when we were younger I was still in school but he would have been of legal age he did used to drink but never at home or in front of my parents. There was a time where he told me him and his mates were going on the boat for a weekend and asked me to join but ended dropping me at Noosa with no money or phone. later on that week I found out that he was quite drunk that weekend but I don't know if he was when he left me, seemed fine.

Hes always had this issue with me but I can never understand. There's a well known story in the family that often comes up as a funny fact, when I was a baby my mother asked him to watch me while she went to the bathroom (I would have been really young and he was around 12/13) but when my mum came back he had dropped me on the concrete and my head cracked open,

(I've still got a plate in my head)

I always thought weather that had anything to do with it but I think sometimes I over think things.

I have this issue where if I see him I remember individual events and they sort of ruin my day but I can't seem to block them out.

i spoke to my gp and then to a psychologist however she was inclined to push me to take legal action after she spoke with me and a few of my siblings. I just can't push my self to do that.

I've always wondered why my parents did nothing, but all they say to me now is "what do you want us to do, kill him?" And that just either upsets me more or confuses me.

i do know that when he was in his teens he was always getting pulled up by the law but I never saw any times where he was in trouble with my parents.

Its ts hard for me to remember my childhood and mum gets really confused as to why but all I can think of was him.

when I try to bring up things like "why he tied my waist to a rope, threw the rope over a branch and towed me up a tree with the car to catch a bird" he usually either gets really aggravated or says why the f are you asking me. I was 19?

I don't know if it's me over thinking but I have been that same age and I never had an urge to hurt anyone's feelings let alone psyicaly

pipsy
Community Member

Hi again. The more info you mention, the more it sounds like pure jealousy. You have actually done a lot to get ahead in your field, he possibly wants to emulate you, won't admit to it, but that could be the reason he puts you down. It also sounds like a bit of narcissism there too. He's older so therefore, to him, he should be better than you. The fact that you've put the hard yards in, achieved what you have is like waving the 'red rag to a bull'. He puts you down at every opportunity to make himself feel better. Narcissist's are extremely jealous, lonely, insecure people who have the need to be 'top'. Even though he's married with children, he is basically quite lonely in himself. If he wasn't, the need to bully, overpower you wouldn't be so prevalent.

I wish you well in your endeavours to succeed in your future happiness.

Lynda.

Nhelw1
Community Member
Thanks for all the help everyone's given, a lot more seems clearer but u defiantly think moving myself away from the company will help me more. I have recently employed a Ceo and cfo to take some things of my plate as I psyicaly can't deal with the size of things now, I hope that will give him the impression I've done more. I'm hoping that will make him think I've taken a lower position and leave me be.