FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Need advice, is wife emotional abuse to me?

Whyisme1973
Community Member

So the situation is over the last year I have realised my wife has continually abused me for much of our marriage.

A year ago my life changed completely when after 45 years I met my Birth Mother (im adopted). All of the negative self image, self hatred, anger and constant low level depression left me. I felt like a fog cleared from my mind and felt generally content most of the time.

Fast forward to now and I have happily been walking and exercising most mornings, so feel healthy and look healthy. Have a quiet self confidence now and generally don't care what nasty people try to do me, water off a ducks back and all.

But I don't enjoy coming home to my wife. We have a 13 yr son together and she has a 23 year son living with us too. So I am asking am I right is seeing all these things below as abuse?

I am watched with surveillance in every move I make. If I am cooking dinner, I am told from the lounge I am doing it wrong, don't do that, don't add that, don't set the temp to that. I used to enjoy cooking, now I dread it that much I try to put my back to her so she can't see what I am doing.

Name calling and sniping. Anything that I did or didn't do is saved up, and when I walk through the door, I am interrogated or asked did I forget something, or my favourite - don't you have something to tell me?

I am told I never listen to her, and when an event comes up I am scolded for not remembering it. Ok so maybe sometimes I did forget it, but not all the time. This issue I am sure she has differently reality to me. When I said one day "that's your reality, not mine" it got me thinking, is she gaslighting me?

If asked a question like have you seen something or do remember something, I answer honestly yes or no or as best as I can. But that is never enough and after asking the same question 3 or 4 times I start getting angry. Its like I am 5years old and caught out by a parent lying. Ok yes I raise my voice in anger, but that is a frustration anger of being taken for a liar.

Silent treatment has been increasing in frequency. There has been times now when it is triggered by my looking at her "the wrong way". After a I finally give in and ask what's wrong. Answer is usually nothing wrong with her, I was the one giving the silent treatment. Huh? Other times its mostly about non-compliance with her wishes, or if I know for certain I am right when accused of something and stand my ground firmly.

So I decided not react and last night she slept in the spare room.

Help?

10 Replies 10

« Yes that is a good question. Do I want this marriage to survive?
in its present form, no.
as equals, yes. how to get there as equals? I have no idea. »

The trouble is, when we reach a point where the unacceptable facets of our partner are more manifest than the loveable and attractive facets (because, after all, we fell in love for a reason) - we’re still caught - if only we could flush away the toxic and just ‘be’ the relationship and people we could be and want to be....if.

It’s been such a freaking hard period in all our lives with Covid-19.

Hope a few more guys come along and offer support to you Why...and who can relate and offer their experience.

My personal experiences relate to what Small Wolf wrote... that helpful communication and behaviours can be an entrenched cycle - which can actually be weakened with help.

But, it takes two to recognise that things need to change.

Hope you can find a way to start unravelling all this and get to the bottom of what exactly is going on with your wife.

My husband was the least likely candidate for voluntary counselling 😉.

But he finally went and it was like his world opened right up.