Narcissistic Abuse in Toxic Families

[Phoenix29]

I come from a toxic and narcissistic family. For years I was made the scapegoat of my family, controlled, emotionally and verbally abused, constantly being kicked out and my grandmother especially put me at risk by forbidding me to take my doctors orders when it came to my medication and weened me off my medication. (I have bipolar) I excommunicated myself from my family gradually and cut contact with my Grandmother in September of last year. Every few months she tries something, sending a text to my partner to get me to call her, showing up at our doorstep(demanding to see me) and more recently she put an envelope with a key in our letterbox saying I can get my stuff whenever I want but she wouldn’t accomodate me. My partner said that he and my Uncle could pick my stuff up but she said she would only speak to me. So we said if she doesn’t like our terms we would send back the key. Anyways it’s been months and she keeps trying to get her power over me back. She doesn’t care that she hurt me or abused me. She’s not sorry. She just wants to have complete control over me like she always has. The last thing she said to me was that she has now wiped her hands of me. I did find that hurtful and it does make me angry. But at the same time I don’t believe her. I’ve been having trouble with my abusive neighbor recently and even though I am enjoying the stability of my new home with my partner, and I’ve been living here for a year, I’m kind of hoping that we do end up moving because then my Grandmother won’t know where I live and will finally be forced to leave me alone. Do you have any advice for me? Anyone else who has experiences narcissistic abuse in their family?

[Guest_7403]

Narcissists never change and sometimes it is best to cut them completely out like you've done.

Stay strong and dont give in, as history will simply repeat itself in this instance

[Billyc]

Hi Phoenix,

welcome! Albeit it being on challenging terms that you are facing. This is a good place to start finding perspective on your situation so well done on reaching out.

firstly, I hope your managing your diagnosis of BP, and it sounds like you are with having a partner and stability. That’s a great place to start living the rest of your life with a good measure of happiness.

Im sorry about your deteriorating relationship with your grandmother, can I ask did she raise you? I didn’t read anything regarding your parents, are thy around?

I cant really comment too much on your grandmother, but things I can think of that quite possibly Might be playing a role in what is happening.

a/ your grandmothers age? And mental health? In addition she comes from a different generation so that might play a role.

b/ does your BP cause irrational behaviour?

c/ is grandad Round? Maybe grandmas lonely and acting out

I have no idea of the ins and outs so these are just random thoughts.

Families and heart strings...

thinking of your wellbeing

cheers

[Phoenix29]

Thanks Billy. Yeah my parents ie. my dad was abusive as well. My Mum wasn’t around when I was growing up and my Dad raised me. My Grandad is split up from my Grandmother and my Grandmother hasn’t had a romantic companion for over 10 years. She does have my Dad, Uncle, and Cousin but they don’t live close by. When I was living with my Grandmother (in my adulthood) I was constantly walking on eggshells, getting kicked out and smothered. I made several attempts to move out but she often gave me a guilt trip for it and also made me believe that she was the only one that could take care of me. (Which is not true.) I’ve been living independently for over a year now and it’s been 8 months of no contact in which I have built myself up, found my own identity and moved on. It is often difficult sometimes trying to live my own private life as my family often try to stalk me on the internet but my grandmother has come to my place a couple of times. I’m getting sick of spending money I don’t have just to post things back to her so she will leave me alone. So I filed down the key and sent her a picture so she knows what happens if she leaves things in my letterbox and she knows we will call the cops if she comes knocking on our door. I hope that destroying the key will be enough to keep them out of my life.

When I was in contact with that family they always made me the scapegoat and put me down coz they’re too proud to see a therapist and deal with their issues in a healthy way. I know my Grandmother might be lonely but that’s not my responsibility, she could easily find a companion or start seeing a therapist so she can make real connections in her life but she won’t. I’ve carried her burdens in the past but no longer. The only burdens I am responsible for are my own and I see a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist and I’m on the NDIS and on medication. I do everything I can to stay stable because I want to be happy healthy and finish my degree with no obstacles.

Thankyou so much for your support. I hope this info helps to get a better picture of what’s going on.

[Phoenix29]

I totally agree. I’m just trying to find the best formula to become narcissistic repellant if you get my drift haha

[Billyc]

Good on you Phoenix!

As difficult as your situation is, I find it’s good to hear stories like yours, your looking adversity in the eye and confronting the challenges you are facing.

Helps remind people like me that there’s always a pathway forward.. no matter how difficult it looks!

I’ve personally never liked using the term narsassistic.. it feels too heavy to label someone with... I always want to believe there’s a way to

“ meet in the middle”

maybe I need to start setting boundaries...

let us know how it’s going and best of luck with your studies..

[Honest1]

Thank you for your post. You have given me hope. Thank You.

I'm also in a nasty relationship with my 2 sisters who have no care for my ageing mother most importantly (nor myself), because I am gay (not partnered) with them thinking I have some sort of (incorrect) preferential treatment.(and that they are sufferers due to child costs etc = their choice).

I have since learnt to think about #1 = YOU. and the one/s you truly love. The Narcissism of some people cannot be changed agreed. I've learnt big time and have tried to move on and to ignore their detriment. No text. No email. No phone. Zero negatives is a great release to help you move on with the positives and focus on the love in your life.

Best Wishes and Kind Regards

[Phoenix29]

Thanks Billy. Yeah it crossed my mind to move as our neighbor was getting aggressive at the same time we got that key in the mail. So there was a lot being thrown at us at once but my partner said he won’t be bullied out of his home by our neighbor and it occurred to me that maybe he is right. Maybe I shouldn’t let my Grandmother bully me out of my home. Eventually we will move and she won’t know where I live but maybe it’s crucial that I stay and face that adversity, stand my ground and my right to have a life of my own, and my right to choose who I let into my life. She has this sense of entitlement. They all do. My family think that because I share blood with them that I am there property but recently I have been presenting evidence to the contrary and staying strong, not buying into their manipulative games.

I’ll keep you all updated and let you know whether my key destroying stratergie worked.

[Phoenix29]

I definitely agree. No contact is the best thing when it comes to narcissists/toxic people in your life. In my time of no contact I have focused on building my self esteem more and my strength. I’ve found that reading empowering books has helped (such as feminist memoirs. Brave by Rose McGowan is really good) and doing things that establish my own identity and individuality. I listen to empowering music, make art, write, and I also read some self help books on narcissists and controlling people. A narcissistic will try to mould you to what they want you to be so it’s important that you try to undo all that, write down your feelings about things and express them, find yourself without anyone telling you who you are and if anyone else tries to tell you who you are you will find yourself being assertive and telling them you disagree because only you can say who you are. Your personal power gets stronger and you realise that in the end these toxic people have no power at all and especially no power over you. You get the final say. Another technique that’s good is grey rock. Look up Angie Atkinson on YouTube. She is really good. She helps people overcome narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships. I often watch her videos.

[pvroom]

I haven't read all the comments but my parents are both narcissistic particularly my mum. I cut contact with both for a while and after a lot of recovery I am able to have a civil relationship with them.

I used this website a lot as well as a psych.

http://www.narcissisticmother.com/about