Narcissist the label

[white knight]

Nowhere it seems more common than USA where people claim someone is a narcissist. Anything that evolves there, comes here quite quickly now with social media and internet influences.

I read recently a question from a member of an international forum - "My narcissist boyfriend has gone silent for 2 weeks, does that mean it's over?"

What followed was numerous answers all centreing on all actions a narcissist does, like using the silent treatment as a weapon, manipulation and grandiose reflections of themselves. Yet no one asked what actions the man labelled a narcissist actually did to deserve that label apart from having no contact for 2 weeks. Was the man using silence/absenteeism as a weapon or was he needing a break from a toxic relationship? Was he batheing in confidence or does he have a narcissist grandiosity demeanor? Does he manipulate or does he over suggest things due to not giving enough feedback?

Google "narcissist meaning" there is 9 signs of one-

Nine Signs and Symptoms of Narcissism
Grandiosity. Exaggerated sense of self-importance. ...
Excessive need for admiration. ...
Superficial and exploitative relationships. ...
Lack of empathy. ...
Identity disturbance. ...
Difficulty with attachment and dependency. ...
Chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom. ...
Vulnerability to life transitions

I'd suggest most people claiming their partner is a narcissist, wont satisfy most of these symptoms. So the label is overused, inflammatory and unjust... bullying.

E.g. A woman marries a guy that, later on has proved he is (in her eyes- lazy, looks in the mirror hourly, need constant praise, doesn't show empathy for her struggles and relies on her career success for financial stability. They have had 3 kids and just separated.... He exercises his rights to 50% custody which is opposite of her desire of full custody.

His partner labels him a narcissist. He loosely fits some of the 9 signs, enough for her to justify it.

Little did anyone realise that HIS symptoms also mirrored depression, lack of confidence from a poor upbringing, stares at the mirror because he has social barriers, feels shame and has a loud voice. Friends believe her.

That example might draw a long bow but claims by many that a narcissist is one when they are not is also a long bow...even longer!

The message here is evidence, if not presented to endorse the label someone uses...It's likely a gross exaggeration. Best not to fall for others claim someone is narcissistic imo.

TonyWK

[batticus]

Traits that I have observed with my partner that I initially found bewildering and confusing but were explained by the possibility of her being on the narcissist spectrum included

- the inability to accept any responsibility even if she was clearly at fault. She is always the victim.

- little to no empathy for other people. This is probably the most challenging thing as she can't understand how her behaviour can affect others (i.e. me!).

- a general sense of entitlement - "everyone owes me" mentality. This is hard too. I think as humans we need a certain level of recognition from our partner - we do nice things - mainly because we love them, but it's nice to have that feeling of gratitude directed towards you every so often. With my partner, you'll get a small 'thanks' but that's about it. Doesn't matter how big the gesture. For me anyway, it meant I constantly felt like I wasn't doing enough or good enough.

I agree about the refusal to seek help/therapy. She has been fairly disparaging about me seeing a therapist at times. She has never been to a counsellor or therapist as far as I'm aware. Doing so would be admitting there's something wrong.

She is a good person despite all this, but I suspect a lot of this behaviour comes from a really severe lack of confidence and self-esteem. It's like when birds puff up their feathers to look bigger. To me it's a mental health condition, but sadly one where nobody seeks treatment as the condition itself prevents them from doing so.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Batticus,

Thanks, that's really interesting. It is interesting to note that ppl who are narcissistic may avoid therapy. Her belittling therapy is also an interesting one. I do get wary when ppl belittle therapy.

I really like ur perspective. I don't think any label needs to be disparaged.
I don't believe BPD really exists... i'm sorry if this sounds dumb and I don't mean to offend anyone with that diagnosis. I don't like how it is mainly only found in women and think sometimes ppl are diagnosed with it because they are hard to control or define. I do think Narcissism is real issue.

The entitlement you mentioned is so difficult. The concept of narcissistic supply means that they are always seeing to gain something from an intereaction, to get their own needs met which they feel entitled to at all times. It's scry to be abused and harmed by a narc. they are tough to fight with and its exhausting. I can understand that ur partner may have low self esteem, that's a very interesting and compassionte way to approach.

Never let narcs destroy your empathy. We just have to be careful.

[batticus]

Hi Sleepy 21

I joined a group on FB about support for those dealing with narcissists but I quit because it really sounded like anyone who was even remotely difficult at times was being labelled as a narcissist. It was very toxic and unhelpful. I suspect BPD gets thrown around in a similar way, I agree the fact it's mainly women that seem to have it seems strange. Similarly many people would associate narcissism with men.

I'm trying to deal with my situation in the most compassionate way I can. I can't lie though - it has worn me down at times. It's hard not to get sucked into her very bitter take on the world. Everyone is against her... everyone is stupid... everyone is incompetent.... it's a sad way to see things.

Last night she came over for dinner but barely spoke to me most of the time. The more I asked the angrier she became. She recently started a new job so she's likely stressed about that. It's the lack of empathy component at play there. At no point does she stop to think how that kind of behaviour makes someone feel.

That tires me out quickly. Here I am in my own home, made a beautiful dinner for us etc. and have someone there who can't even be bothered to speak to me. Honestly I would've had a better evening on my own. We all have bad days but I think it's quite cruel to take it out on someone like that.

While it obviously makes me unhappy, the reality is that her existence would be even unhappier. To see everything in such a bitter and sad way would be draining.

Anyway trying to not let it bring me down too much but I'm exhausted from it.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Batticus, ur empathy is really shining . U have really made me feel hopeful seeing how compassionate u are to ur partner and not quick to judge. Calling someone a narc or bpd is only helpful if we can learn to understand them and ourselves better in relationship to them - throwing around the term to ppl we don't like is very damaging IMO.

I listen to Dr. Ramani on youtube on this topic, she's very much a pop psychologist but he explains the terms

U must be so tired and in pain. That was nice of u to make the dinner and she couldn't appreciate it. Tht hurts and it is human to need a thank u or to be seen. I hope ur doing okay

[Guest_1643]

Hi Batticus,

She may have a lot going on with the new job, could make it harder for her.
I know what u mean about ppl who sort of can catch u in their bitterness

i had a friend once (we were very tied at the hip, close friends who hung out daily) and her perspective was always that someone had slighted her and ways to get revenge. she'd have parties nd delibertely not invite them and then send them pictures of the parties to make them jealous. this was a woman in her late 20s.

i didn't realise it at the time, but of course it brings us down to be around this. it affects our own thinkin and trust.

There might be needed some boundaries from ur partner in that regard. Please take care of urself and thanks for sharing ur struggle here, it has opened up the discussion here and given me more to consider