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My World in pieces *Trigger warning: suicide attempt*

Kornblume
Community Member

Hi, I been having a really hard time lately. Me and my husband are struggling a lot. All started a few months ago when he started drinking more excessively. He has always been drinking but most times quite well under control.

Iust noticed that he was getting less interested in activities and already started drinking in the morning on our days off. I was getting more depressed and unhappy with the situation. I told him it could not go on like this and that we would have to change something. He wanted to move out straight away an told me he also didn't want to live like that anymore, he said he felt to much pressure of doing work on our big property and paying off the mortgage.

I was very disappointed and did not think he would give up our relationship so easy. I am also very sad to sell the house as it was always my goal to live in a place like this.

Just before Christmas we put the house on the market and I found a small place in town where I can manage to live on my own.

We had three weeks of holidays and my husband was drinking more and more. When it was time to go back to work he called in sick most of the time and stayed home. A week ago on a evening shift I got a phone call from a neighbour that the ambulance had picked my husband up and that he was trying to take his own life.

I was in complete shock, and it was very traumatic to see him in the state he was at the emergency. I was very relieved that he did not succeed with his attempt but also had a very hard time believing that he did this in the first place.

He has agreed to go to the MHU voluntary and he is feeling very ashamed and sorry for what he did.

For me it just feels like an absolute nightmare, trying to juggle organising everything, packing up house, visits at the MHU meetings and still Keep working and also informing family about what had happened.

He is back home now the last two days and he promised me he stays sober untill the move is over and that he wants to help me. He also said that he would like to make a rehab later. I just feel very uncomfortable, after being really happy the first few days that he is still alive, now I am also very angry that he left me with the whole mess. I am also trying really hard not to upset or trigger him because I am so scared that he will go straight back to drinking or has another attempt to kill himself.

Sorry it has become a bit long and my written English is not that good. I just had to get this off my chest somehow.

14 Replies 14

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi Kornblume,

Welcome to our friendly online community. It sounds like you've had a turbulant time these last few months. We're so sorry to hear that your husband has attempted suicide. We understand how scared you would be feeling. Please know that you're not alone in this and that there is support available. 

Can we ask if you are receiving mental health support to help you through all of the changes you've experienced lately? If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

You might also find some helpful advice on our page "Worried about someone suicidal" https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/worried-about-someone-suicida
We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.
 

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Kornblume~

Your English is fine and your post is just right.

I saw about your difficulties on October which have now got so much worse. I guess the only good thing is selling a large property so as to have less mortgage pressure. No, I know it is not the sort of place you would have liked to live.

I'm not entirely sure but I think you and your husband are still living together, my apologies if I've misunderstood.

Now there are many pressures on you and you have every right to be angry, as well as maybe fearful and even blaming yourself for not picking up signs or acting as you did. Often there are no signs for you to pick up and your actions and advice have been very sensible.

By the sound of it you are the main financial support, being on shift work and having a husband who is not only needing alcohol to cope but not working and has reached the stage of being suicidal. All without the direct support of you family in Europe.

Sophie_M has given good advice and following those links will help, Particularly our 24/7 Help Line she mentions.

It can be the start of getting you help to deal with these matters if you do not have it already. Assisting someone where a close one to tries to take their life is a specialized matter requiring skill and experience, not often the work of a GP or ordinary councilor. I hope you take advantage of whatever is available.

I'd imagine one of you main worries is not to put pressure on your husband where he becomes overwhelmed again. When suicidal myself the pressures I was under where not exactly as one might expect, not mortgage, not marital strain, but guilt and feelings of failure and hopelessness. Not things easy for someone else to understand. These are the sorts of things an experienced therapist can explain. Guilt after an attempt to can play it's part, it did with me

These feelings may also explain resorting to drink. That is itself is hard for you to live with, it's hard to break the habit and agree to rehab. If he truly wants it to work there is a good chance it will

I expect the MRU is a health unit and it is excellent he has agreed to go - and that you are included too

I am concerned for you, you are under so much stress and pressure and need the greatest support possible, not only medical as we have mentioned, but personal. Is there anyone you can talk frankly to and share the burden?

Even by Skype to a family member overseas can make a difference, you are no longer isolated

Please return again

Croix

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

It seems that things got on top of your husband. Managing a large property means lots of physical work and in the back of his mind is the mortgage and other bills, then a trigger comes along and he drops off all interest. It is of course more complex than that and Criox has indicated well that this situation needs professional help.

Financial pressure is really problematical. Once the money problems fade away through changes made, then there is an opportunity to regroup as a couple and introduce new and exciting activities. My wife and I last year sold our country home and purchased a small block of land and have built a kit home on it. This has enabled us to be far better off financially and we now enjoy the movies, cafe vsits and the odd restaurant. It might not sound like much but to us its heaven of a lifestyle.

So, professional help, financial pressure release and encouragement is the way to go.

You could start with a GP visit. If your husband wont go then attend yourself.

TonyWK

Kornblume
Community Member

Hi, I have posted a reply a while back but somehow must have gone missing ...

Anyway I would like to thank for the advice I got. My husband is back home from the hospital now for almost two weeks. He is doing very much better. He is focusing on the upcoming move and has been sober since he is back.

He was considering a rehab which we struggle to find a place in rural Qld that is affordable without private health and is not Christian based as he struggles a lot with any form of religion.

We do communicate but he does not want to talk about what got him so far to try and take his life and he also does not want to talk about what will happen after the move is over.

He is seeking help with his GP and also an organisation that helps him with his mental health and alkohol problems.

I still do believe that he blames me a lot for what happend and I would really like to talk to him about it, I struggle just going on and pretending nothing happend.

I am also scared of what will be if he starts drinking again. I really don't want this anymore but what if he is doing another suicide attempt? My trust in him is just faded so much and I just don't know him anymore,

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Kornblume~

I can understand what you need, to be able to talk frankly with him and say what made him suicidal, what makes him think you had a part in it (though that might just be an assumption of yours). You do need some sort of grounding to base any future on.

Clinicians are fine, however they do mot always win enough confidence for a person to open up completely on what drove them. Ideally talking to someone who has been though the same experience makes it an awful lot easier.

Once he has talked with someone like that it might be easier for him to unburden himself to you too.

May I suggest you make inquiries though the discharging hospital,your GP or health service in there are any support groups or help lines for those that have suicidal thoughts when they are NOT in crisis or any peer support follow up after discharge. If he can find the right peron or group he can almost talk shorthand, he will be understood.

My knowledge of Qld is limited, and while I think such aline with Lived Experience peer workers might be open in the near future the only one that springs to mind at the moment is the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) which not only allows several free counseling sessions to start with but had more to offer on a more permanent basis

You do not need to be in a crisis to use them , that is what they are there for.

Please let me how how you get on

Croix

Hello Kornblume, I am very sorry for the situation you are in and to sell the house/property you always thought you'd live in for a long time is disappointing, let alone how and what your husband is doing is very upsetting, but when addiction takes control leaves you all alone to make legitimate decisions, because a person who is intoxicated makes two decisions, one when they've been drinking but a different one when they're sober, so which decision do you choose and that's where it makes it confusing for you.

There are other people who can assimilate with your story, I included, so the final decision has to made by you, simply because you can't rely on what your husband is going to do or at least say because he might change his mind tomorrow.

It's most unlikely he will confess as to why he's feeling like he is and why he's using alcohol and going to rehab sounds to be the solution, unfortunately, it's not necessariy, even though we do encourage this to happen, but each situation is different.

When a person is addicted to a substance, alcohol, in this case, you can never be responsible for the actions he takes, and when the farm we lived on was sold, I had to rent a house by myself, that's when my condition suddenly improved, I still loved my wife and very sorry I didn't wake up much earlier, but we are in constant contact but couldn't live together again.

Your husband has to decide by himself if he wants to stop drinking.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Kornblume
Community Member

It has been a while now since my last post, we have moved to the house in town and both started work again and things have somewhat settled down.

Even we have moved, the house is still not bougth and sold and there has been a lot of issues with the banks and solicitors and all the drama just doesn't seem to end. I don't feel very much at home here just yet and I will definitely have to get used to the busy neighbourhood first.

The good thing is, that my husband has not been drinking since he is back home and he seems to have found a bit of his old spirit back and seems a lot more positive than a few weeks back.

He has been to a mental health organisation twice, and has talked about his alcohol consumption,but he said he is not going back because they did not have to talk much since he is not drinking at the moment and he did not really have any connections to the person there. He is very reluctant talking about what went on and what got him to the point of wanting to taking his own life. I just don't want to go back to that same situation in a while I am not sure if I could do this again. I am also aware that alcoholism is a severe illness that doesn't go away just like that.

But I could not just break up now or be to negative when he is feeling better and getting his life back. So I guess for the moment it is just wait and see what time will bring.

Thanks for all your support and for listening, it is very helpful to hear some different points of views.

Hello Kornblume, it's always good when people return and let us know about what's now happening and pleased about your husband not drinking.

If I can just mention that when people stop drinking alcohol, it's possible that people may have a relapse because of a specific reason or just because, but the good point is that they will realise, once again it's not what they want and stop once again.

It may also happen as soon as they are faced with a problem that seems to be one they can't solve, but being able to actually talk about it, will certainly help them.

It's happened to me several times, now I don't drink at all.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Kornblume
Community Member

As time goes by things settle down and I start to feel a bit more grounded again. Not very happy about the way things are turning out but I am a bit more relaxed and have a routine back. The sale has gone through and I start liking the new place a bit better.

Me and my husband have been to a relationship councelor twice and this really helped us to start talking about all that happend. For a while it looked to me, like we could become a happy couple again, my husband not drinking and we spent more time talking to each other than in a long time, or maybe it was just me that wanted it so bad, hoping to wind back the time to happy days.

But my husband made it very clear, that he does not want to be in a relationship with me anymore and that he needs more independence and freedom.

We still live in the same house together and we want to stay good friends. I am not sure if I would rather have him moving out, it would definitely make things more clear and I would really know that I have to move on and start living my own life. But I also don't feel like I have the right to ask him to leave and I would not want him to go and live with some of his mates or the caravan Park, where he would start drinking again.

But then it is also very nice to have him around, he helps me a lot with all practical things and also just to have his company and not being all by myself. Also financially it will be a lot more difficult to survive individually.

We have the opportunity to live quite separate in the house. I have the upstairs and he has the downstairs. At the moment we still share the only bathroom but there is another one planned to be built soon. We have coffee together in the morning and most evenings dinner and take the dogs for walks and do quite a lot together. I am pretty sure he is still sober but he told me that he does not plan to stop drinking all together, but he does not want it to get so much out of control again.