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My wife has said she's done

Hurting_and_confused
Community Member

Hi,

I've come here because I have no where else to turn or talk. After 11 years of marriage, 2 weeks ago my wife has said she has no more to give and is ready to seperate. I have realised that I wasn't there emotionally for her for a while now. I have told her that I want to prove to her that she is the most important person in my world and I care about her more than anything, and that im not going to give up as our relationship is definitely worth trying to save. She definitely has some issues with her self confidence and she is in a high stress job with a heavy workload. She also doesn't socialise with anyine except her family ( mainly her mother) I have suggested counselling for our relationship and also for herself on her own, but she won't even entertain the thought. Over the past 2 weeks we have had some good times and have shared some laughs. Also we have had passionate sex 4 times in the past fortnight(a lot more than past 5 years). Despite the good times over the last 2 weeks she is still seems adamant about seperating. Any time I try and talk about the whole situation she puts a wall up and won't talk to me about it, and I feel we go backwards. What should I do and is there any hope?

kind regards

7 Replies 7

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Hurting

Welcome and good on you for having the strength to post too!

There is always hope....especially after 11 years of marriage...Thats a long time.

The forums are a judgemental free Zone and there are many people here like yourself that can be here for you.

Good on you for not giving up!.....Hang in there....quietly but respectfully (as you are doing of course)

I have had anxiety for many years (over 30) and held down a white collar management role so I was exhausted when I got home....and didnt want to go out anywhere....except my family's place....

You have offered to go to joint counselling and great move....can I ask what your wife says in response to that? as the girls 'usually' love a guy who brings that up as a true and decent sign of commitment.

The passionate sex is a great sign, especially the frequency...

Excuse me for the questions Hurting but when do you 'try' to talk to your wife? Also just so we can assist you more effectively, can I ask how the quality of your wife's sleep is?.....Solid...peaceful....broken and/or waking up?

From what you have posted (and yes these forums are rock solid for your privacy) I can see that you are trying hard to re conciliate your marriage.....

Can I ask...what is your wife's biggest complaint about you? (if thats okay)

my kindest thoughts

Paul

Hi blond guy

thanks for replying

my wife says she doesn't believe in counselling. She is very strong in saying that she doesn't want to go. In the first few days I tried to speak about the issues a lot, but it got us no where and felt like we would go backwards. So I stopped trying to talk to her. But only yesterday I sensed she was withdrawing(which was a surprise as I thought things were going really well) and asked her to talk about things then and again today. It got us no where now we are both left feeling sick in the stomach, but nothing has been resolved. I think the thing she disliked is that I was so blind to her emotional needs for so long. Once I was aware of it I looked back and realised she had felt this way for along time maybe years.

Sorry blond guy I should have said that her sleep is lacking. She stays up late and then has to get up for work, so only gets around 7 hrs

she is on holidays at the moment and is sleeping in till around 9am. Her sleep has been broken and restless lately as we deal with this

Hi Hurting, Paul here again 🙂

Thanks for replying....its always great to get a response

You are a strong guy for looking back and seeing that you may have been emotionally vacant...That takes real guts to say....(I've done the same years ago...shame on me)

I also didnt 'believe' in counselling when I needed it in the '80's....I wasted over 10 years of my life thinking the same thoughts as your wife. (my problem was anxiety attacks in the boardroom and in traffic jams)

Going to a joint counselling session is no big deal.....normally its the guys that 'dont believe'

With all respect....can I ask if anyone (and who) is raising any voices? which is normal in settling any matter of course. Also do you get along with her family Hurt?

Please forgive me for the questions...just trying to get a picture of whats happening Hurting...

I remember having your pain...I was dumped by a girl in early 2015.....it really hurts....big time....I only had a few months with her...not 11 years....thats why I am still convinced you still have hope

you are not alone here at all

Paul

Hi Paul

thanks for your replies. When we talk about it no one raises there voice. It never goes far as she puts up a barrier and won't go in depth with it all, so we just kind of leave it alone.

I get on really well with her family. I have spoken with her mum, but she hasn't and her mum hasn't spoken with her about it. She keeps everything inside. She hasn't spoke to anyone about it.

kimd regards

hurting

hello H and C, Paul has replied with some great points, but from what I can see is that your wife is in denial, doesn't believe that any counselling will do any help, that maybe so, but individual couselling could be more beneficial, and there's no reason why you can't do this yourself.
The sign that you both had passionate sex surely means that there is still a connection between the two of you, because you don't have sex with someone you don't like or certainly love, so maybe an adjustment needs to be made, so she won't start talking with you until she sees an improvement, but won't acknowledge what you have done until after awhile, but these points maybe mounting up in her memory, but as soon as you break doing them, then 2 steps back she will go.
In my marriage my wife (ex) would never thank me for something I had done for her when she was just as adamant being in the same situation, but if I did something wrong then I would be thrown back and had to start once again, and then all the complaints she had against me would fly back to me.
There certainly is a chance for you, how about sending her some flowers and tell her that you understand how she feels. Geoff.

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hey H

Thanks for responding....after reading you and Geoff's advice your wife has really built a brick wall around herself. Interesting that she hasnt told her mum.

Geoff really has hit the nail on the head with your wife being in denial.

Brick walls can be dismantled 🙂 Definitely worth a shot

here for you H

Happy New Year to you and your wife

kind thoughts

Paul