My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

[Clint82]

Hi.

I found out last night that my wife has cheated on me.

We were living apart for the reason of me getting my head in the right space due to suffering from depression and anxiety. I did not want my wife to have to deal with my crippling anxiety attacks and depression episodes that left me house bound and bed ridden. I did not feel it was fair on her or my young son.

During the time we were apart, we were still married. Spent nights together, family outings, nights away etc. plan was for me to move back into the family home in the new year.

last November I was away and she went out with her girlfriends. When messaging that night I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was watching tv at home when actually, (now I know), she was out at a pub/club with her friends. She met a guy and they kissed and shared numbers.

In the months after they met up a couple of times and messaged/spoke/snapchatted. Just before Christmas she had him come over to the house whilst my son was at kinder. At this time they had sex in our bed.

Just after New Year’s Day, (as I was making arrangements to move back home), she told me she wasn’t sure what she wanted anymore. I questioned her if there was another man and she denied denied denied. For 3 weeks I was a mess. Not sure if I was going to be with my wife again and not sure how I would live without her. Australia Day weekend she said she was happy to make it work.

numerous times I have asked her if there was anyone else and she looked me in the eyes and promised me there had not been.

Last night, 11 feb, I got a number of calls from a private number. I eventually answered and was told by an unknown man what my wife had been doing. I came back to bed and asked her about it. It took her a bit but she admitted to it. She then told me she wanted to tell me but was not sure how or when.

Her reasoning is that she was lost and not sure where we were at although we had discussed the move back in and also having another child this year.

she tells me she is extremely sorry and promises it will never happen again.

I love her but I’m not sure if I can get past this. I’m not sure if she’s only sorry because she got caught? Is this the only time?

I feel empty, worthless and not sure what the point of being here anymore is.

all the work I’ve done to deal with my depression and anxiety, feels like it was for nothing. I did it for my wife and son. I feel like it was a waste of time.

Feeling confused and conflicted.

[Clint82]

Bindi and Geoff thankyou for your words. This thread is helping keep me sane.

I am trying to have a day without talking about this with my wife. It’s hard. But getting there.

[bindi-QLD]

Clint, I don't know if this really helps, since every situation is different. But the last time I went through betrayal, I decided I wanted to patch it up because they showed a lot of remorse and I did believe our relationship was very valuable to both of us.

I looked for people who had gone through it online, just as you have. What I found is its normal to still have questions afterwards, a lot of them. You don't have shut yourself down, or your pain. Its normal to express your pain in front of your partner and ask questions that make them feel uncomfortable. They may prefer to escape all the guilt, but you are still where you are, devastated. You do have to move on eventually, but that's later down the road.

I found the way I communicated helped. Sometimes you just can't help getting mad. But when it came to dealing with feeling worthless and depressed, I found it helped most just to say to my partner `I feel worthless and depressed, I really need to talk can you help me please ?'. And then just pour out your feelings, try not to guilt trip. If your partner is worth anything, they will say `sorry', a lot, and hug you through your tears. It really does help.

There are moments when you do this, when you see it register on their faces, that they get it. That they hurt you and you matter and they care. Those moments do help to rebuild your trust.

Later, you can look at the problems. Was there relationship stress, were either of you unhappy, how can you fix it together? Maybe you can, maybe you cannot. But that's later. Right now, don't hide your pain, ask her for the help you need. To listen to you, to reassure you. She may or may not give it to you, and that will help you gauge what she is worth to you.

I'm so sorry, its just so painful, I know there's nothing worse. I promise you, you will survive it though. Just one day at a time.

Hugs X

[Clint82]

Bindi

thank you. That is how I feel. Although when I talk or ask questions she gets angry and yells, says I’ve answered everything, says I don’t know or tries to turn it back on me. I feel she has no right to get angry with me as I am not the one who had the affair. She says that she’s said she’s sorry. I don’t really see the remorse on her face at all. I still feel that it will be me doing the work to keep us together.

[bindi-QLD]

Dear Clint,

Hugs, I really hear you. I found it such a difficult time too, when its all still very raw for you, and they want to stop talking about it. We had lots fights too. I remember feeling like I was in such a deep hole, I couldn't work out what i needed even.

Like you, I felt like I needed to see a lot of remorse for the main specific actions that hurt, not a general `sorry' . Its frustrating when they lie or defend themselves, isn't it? You can't get what you really need, when they want to shut the conversation down.

My partner's evasiveness softened after a while, he said that he was scared if he really copped to what he did , I would leave him. But we did start being about to talk about it. It was gradual though. After a few months, I hadn't left leave and he started to be able to talk about some details, and show the remorse I needed to see. That's why I say give it a bit of time. They are very scared too.

What you can do in the mean time though, is ask for the comfort you need so much. You know those times when you feel so low, lost and you feel like crying? Those times you can go to your wife and ask for a hug and reassurance. To really get that comfort, I found it was important to not talk about the details and thoughts. That's a separate conversation, for another time. I got more of the comfort I needed when I mainly spoke about how I feel in the moment, and what I was afraid of. And asking to hold their hand or for a hug makes it even more comforting.

Is that comfort something you are able ask of your wife, do you think?

[Clint82]

Bindi thank you. I hear what you are saying. It’s very hard not to think of the details. Especially at home. Currently I’m sitting on the couch where they started and then I go to bed where it continued. Arrrghhhh. In this lounge room is family pictures of us and our little boy plus our wedding photo and her framed bouquet. I feel I can’t look at them. Especially the wedding side. 😞.

Yesterday being our wedding anniversary I made a very conscious effort not to talk about it. But it ate at me a lot.

Friday we are meant to have a romantic 2 nights in the city in a suite with amazing views. She still wants to go. I don’t know that I can. I feel like I want to take my 4wd and motorbikes and go bush for the weekend. Just to be away from it all. But for some reason I feel guilty.

Comfort? Yeah she will give me comfort. However I now question how genuine it is. I really do not know what’s real and what to believe.

[Moey83]

Hey Clint

Hope this message finds you in a better way than the last you were writing on here......
I fully understand everything that you are going through as in August 2011 I discovered my wife cheating on me.
It took me roughly around 5 years of consistent investigation through phone records emails Facebook old phones pictures man you name it I went through it.
The reason behind the length of time was because she would deny deny lie make up stories etc...
I drove myself into the ground literally. Mentally I was messed up!I ended up finding out about 12-15 guys she had either slept with had a affair with one for a year and a half
Brought them to my house in my bed on my lounge in the bathroom in front of the girls.

Your probably wondering were I was ? I was a fifo worker who literally was begging her to stop blowing money on rubbish as I didn't want to be away from home and that went on for the last 2years were every month the bank account was back on 0
I now realize why and we're the money was going.

Anyway I ended up giving up on yeah number 13or 14 .
When I was able to prove that she was having a affair with only the first one I tried to leave with my bag and she would not let me do it.
She screamed yelled crying and by then the neighbors had called the cops they came after I had gone

Not knowing I would come back to the house to get more things and find nearly my entire family there I asked what they were doing and they replied "the police are looking for you as apparently your running around with a handgun and you have just taken off after beating your wife.

Couple of hours later my front door came down with police everywhere arresting me and raiding my house......
She would stand on top of me and was crying! I asked if she was happy now? Then somehow accidentally copped a boot in the head!!! I was lucky enough that the size of me was double the size of my wife and the domestic violence officer came and asked if it's this guy (me) who had hit her? She called my wife in and asked her to do a strip search and noted that there was not a single mark bruises or any kind of injury on her body.

So not only did she sleep with all those people she tried to get me locked up!!! Till this day I still ask why she didn't just go ? Why would you try get me locked up?

[Clint82]

Hey guys I’m back unfortunately.

so after a lot of soul searching last feb/March I forgave my wife of the affair. I did say that I couldn’t forget and said it maybrear it’s head again. She promised not to lie to me again or cheat on me. She promised to speak to me if she was feeling neglected, alone etc.

fast forward to March 2019. After a hiccup last year, we decided to try for another baby in the new year. In March 2019 she came to me with the test and said she was pregnant. I was happy. We were excited. We did the doctors and ultrasound. She’s had the stitch in her cervix as she has troubles carrying a baby. however, whilst playing a game on her phone a friend of hers, (new of less than 12 months), asks how she went at the doctors. Now we don’t tell people early on about our pregnancy after having a miscarriage at 16 weeks and a stillborn at 21 weeks. I asked her if she had told anyone and she said no. At this stage she would’ve been approx 8/9 weeks pregnant, we hadn’t even told her parents or our son yet. I asked her 3 more times over the next month and she finally admitted telling her friend. I asked why she was lying to me and her response was she didn’t want to lie to her friend so she lied to me. Of course after all that happened with her affair in 2017/2018 I questioned her loyalty. My concern being she was more worried about lying to her friend than her husband. We had an argument where at the start of it she told me to pack my shit and leave. She asked if I cared if she loses the baby and I replied I don’t care about the baby at the moment as I want to sort us out. (Bad choice of words for what I meant). She then said she would raise the baby alone. I asked do I take no responsibility for it? She also said what don’t you think I can go out and get pregnant to just anyone.

so now, I gave her some space as requested. The Wednesday after mother’s day she text me saying marriage over. The following Monday after days of trying to contact her I asked if I could have our son overnight on the Wednesday. Pick him up from school and then drop him off the following morning. She went to the police and filed for an intervention order. Claiming emotional abuse, financial control and that I would take our son away from her.

She now won’t talk to me. It’s been 4 weeks since she filed for the order. I haven’t seen my family for over 5 weeks. I’m an absolute mess. I do not know what to do. I live for my family. I’m nothing without them.

[Red_Pill]

Hi Clint82

What i will say to you will fly in the face of everything you have heard above. It is very likely that your wife is a highly manipulative person with strong narcissistic tendencies, inflated sense of entitlement and disregard for boundaries.

What has been suggested so far wont work for a simple reason. It requires a person, your wife, with a strong sense of integrity and empathy. Everything you have mentioned indicates that she is lacking those. It is also probable that the affair or affairs have been ongoing since last year. Time will tell, but you being booted out and strong measures taken against you indicates that she is implementing a plan already considered in advance.

If you continue to blame yourself, you have nothing to apologise for nor do you need to engage in incessant introspection or self flagellation to satisfy people's warped sense of morality, you will go down a spiral that will take you a long time to crawl back out of. What your wife did has nothing to do with you. It is a character deficit on her part. Do yourself a favour and start looking back at her behaviour from the beginning of you guys dating and start to recognise patterns. Whatever you do, do not go down the path suggested above. It will prolong your agony, low self esteem and sense of worthlessness. This old decrepit model of couple counselling where cheaters' needs are equated to the abused spouses, continuously encouraged to pursue 'perspective' at all costs and to engage in destructive self criticism is fast coming to an end. It is an industry promoted and prolonged by counsellors who make good living out of it. Reconciliation rates for such relationships are abysmal. The model does not work.

I would suggest visiting chumplady.com to get a better understanding of what has been happening to you. The level of abuse and manipulation in situations like yours are mind-boggling and the victim has no way of discerning what's going on without taking a step back and looking at the situation rationally. You will also need to talk to people who have been in your shoes.

I was in your shoes once so i know exactly what you are going through. Also start looking into character aggressive disorder, narcissism and disregard for boundaries. Boundaries are extremely important and i am willing to make a bet with you, your missus does not acknowledge them. Start paying attention to details and incongruence of her behaviour from her image projection.

Good luck