my partner left but she was confused

[sav8331]

Hello all,

i am confused and having trouble dealing with what has happened in my life.

i was with my partner for over 9 years we been married for 5 years and have 2 children and our life we built together.

one day i came home from work and she ended the marriage with no fight no conversation nothing, this is what i have been struggling with as i dont understand how someone could just do that.

there were no discussions nothing just over an she left. since then she has done everything to stop me being part of her life and i dont know why she became like this.

i have since been told she confided in her sister that gave her very bad advice. she had told her sister that she didnt know what she wanted in life any more whether what we have is what she wants or if she still loves me, she was just so confused with life and what was going on in our lives. we never argued and everyone including myself never saw it coming.

i just dont know how to process this or cope with this as i am still madly in love with my wife but all she is doing is running away and pushing me and everyone else away that doesnt agree with her right now.

[geoff]

Hello Sav, I know how you feel because the same happened to me and it is certainly a shock when you realise she may not have been given the correct advice, but it's enough to make her decide to leave.

The problem is how do we know who was the problem or perhaps both of us were, in my position it was me, I had depression and was self medicating with alcohol, but maybe she also didn't know how to approach the situation and this could be the same as your partner, so the easiest way was to leave.

The information she received from her sister may have been accepted at that point in time, but it's still possible she could have had more experienced help that may want her to come back to you.

Have you tried to contact her.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi sav8331

My heart goes out to you as you face this incredible challenge which leads you to question so much.

It sounds like your wife may have been questioning the relationship for some time. While she could have shared her questions with you, it sounds like she chose to share such questioning with her sister instead, in order to make better sense of things.

I'm wondering whether you can get a sense of whether your wife was actually questioning you in certain ways, before she decided to leave. It might not have been all that obvious. Being a wife myself, there are times where I've questioned my husband over certain things but he never saw the significance of those questions. Not saying this is the case for you but I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about. In the past, I've asked my husband on a variety of occasions 'Why can't we find more to look forward to together?'. His response, 'I don't know. Why do we have to?' and that's the end of it. On another occasion, 'Why don't you wonder about things, like I do?' His response, 'I don't know. That's just not me' and that's the end of the conversation. So, it's like I'm left with no sense of anything to look forward to and no shared sense of wonder.

As I say, you're wife may not have asked you any questions at all but I imagine she was still questioning, within herself, in some way. Is it possible for you to give a message to her that could sound a little like 'I imagine you're in the process of questioning a lot when it comes to this marriage. I want us to find the answers together. I believe it would serve the kids well, for us to work through this'. Even suggesting marriage counseling may give her a way forward worth considering. Of course, a counselor's someone who guides a couple through asking the best questions in order to find the most constructive answers.

Every challenge holds the potential for growth. You sister in law's advice may be leading your wife away from reaching this potential, perhaps without your wife realising. If you can lead your wife to see the potential for personal and relationship growth, this may be the key to changing this situation.

Wishing you the best 🙂

[Betternow]

Hi Sav

I'm sorry to read about your situation. I too have experienced a sudden loss similar to you.

Your post left me wondering about a few things. You say your wife left and I’m assuming took the children too. Does this mean you are living alone in the family house? If this is the case, are you visiting the children?

Has not your wife explained her actions to you? At least given you some clues around her behaviour.

It’s difficult for me to offer specific advice without more details from you.

Based on what I do know, I doubt your wife’s departure was a spur of the moment decision. She must have been having doubts about her life with you for several months at least. I wouldn’t recommend pressuring her to return as this could have the opposite affect.

As you are married and have a responsibility for the children, at some point this is going to become a legal matter. Put your energy into ensuring the emotional and financial well being of your children and as for your wife ….well, you may have to allow her the opportunity to sort herself out. It’s hard I know.

[sav8331]

Hello Geoff

We currently have restraining orders on each other, these will hopefully be dropped in 2 weeks time when we go to court.

we have had a sit down together and had a really good conversation. i have since discovered that in her head she hasn't loved me for 3 years. she is now willing to go seek professional help which is good as well and also counselling to help repair our family but not about getting back together.

i also told her i still love her and am still in love with her and all she could do was cry, not really sure what that means.

Thanks

[sav8331]

Hello, Therising

the only thing i know my wife done was tell me that she wasn't happy then we would do things together or fix what ever was going on at that point in time, but once that was done to me then everything was fine.

any direction i try and give her is meet with aggression and verbal abuse about me trying to control her, i have spoke to her about her sisters advice and everythign i had to say went in one ear and out the other.

Thank you

[sav8331]

Hello, Better now

When she left she took the children however we do share them and she has never stopped me seeing them.

yes i am living in the family home and it kills me everytime i come home and they are not there.

the only thing she had given me was that she didnt love me anymore as she felt our life was all about me and what i wanted so therefore i was to controlling. she told me she felt as if she was trampled down by me and was not allowed to be her own person.

i am concentrating on my children and there wellbeing at the moment, as for the financial part well nothing is happening there at the moment, her words are i am in no rush to do the separation or get divorced.

thank you

[geoff]

Hello Sav, as she's in no rush for separation or divorce that's good, but it's about discussing the 'restraining orders' and being able to overcome why this was done, sometimes if one's taken out, then the other person does exactly the same.

I hope an amicable agreement between the two of you happens for the sake of the children because they are capable of knowing what's going on.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[sav8331]

Hello geoff

The restraining orders are due to be dropped on the 13th but there will still be a couple of restrictions in place for both of us.

we seem to be able to talk with each other and she knows i love her and can forgive her for her part in this as long as there is professional help for both of us to help guild us back.

the children are the ones pushing me to get everything sorted as i know they are struggling with everything and due to there age they dont understand. it is for them that i have forced the ex wifes hand abit to get things sorted otherwise nothing would be happening right now.

i am hopeing that once she sees a counsellor they will help her see clearly that what she did was the wrong choice and the issues she has can be fixed as its due to her child hood and past relationship.