My partner has a porn addiction

[JenG]

I have just discovered that my boyfriend of 2 years has a porn addiction. 
My partner and I have only been dating around 2 years now, he’s the kind of person that I love with all my heart and I know he loves me too. 
We get along so well and it’s too difficult to think of life without him in it - the person that I will marry. 

Our life is virtually perfect - except for the fact that we only have sex once every 2-3 weeks. 
This is something I’ve talked to him about before as I am always the one trying to initiate but he rejects… this HURTS. 

We’ve talked about it 4/5 times maybe but last night I snapped and told him to figure out why he doesn’t want to sleep with me and how it shouldn’t be so hard to have sex with the person you love. 

He finally admitted that he thinks he may have an addiction to porn and that because it’s affecting our relationship that he needs to figure it out. 

We’ve talked it through a bit but there’s so much I want to know and even more that I don’t. I obviously can’t turn to anyone I know, but I’m a deeply emotional person. 

He told me how awful it felt for him and that he can’t stop but I know it sounds bad - I don’t know if I can trust that. 
I’ve  made so many ideas for our future and planned to have him in it, I mean it when I say he’s the love of my life but I need some support. I WANT to be able to handle this and help him but it’s hard. 

I have researched and I know the steps to recovery but I really need someone to tell me everything’s going to be okay. I need someone to tell me he’ll get better and that our future together isn’t going to crash and burn.

Please tell me it works out for porn addicts and their relationships.  

[Jester66]

Hi JenG, I just found out my partner has a porn addiction as well recently and i knew there was something wrong because he struggles to be intimate but I was so shocked when he told me. I tried to talk with him about it but he’s so closed off becuase I think he’s ashamed and only just considered it an addiction when I pointed it out. 

I never imagined he would struggle with that becuase he’s such a sweet and caring person I just didn’t connect the two together. But I understand what you mean, I think it’s important to remind ourselves that it’s not our fault and the inability to be intimate is not becuase we’re not good enough. 

I too have tried researching and I feel so hopeless becuase I want to fix it for him but he also needs to put in a lot of work. I’m really glad I found ur post because u just put my thoughts into words. 

I wish I could provide you the insight from a future perspective but I think the fact that he finally came forward and says he wants to change is huge. It’s just a matter of actually putting in the effort to do the change. It sounds like you guys have a strong relationship so I believe there is hope, from the research I’ve found I’ve seen hopeful outcomes for many couples. However please remember your boundaries and your limits and keep having those conversations even if they’re awkward and difficult. I really hope for the best for you:)

[JenG]

Hi! Thank you for your reply, I honestly didn’t expect to get a reply but I’m grateful you did. It’s nice knowing someone else is out there the same time you are going through the same thing- as unfortunate as it sounds… but it helps. 

My partner and I managed to talk again last night, as awkward and strange as it was, we did manage to understand a few things. 

For one, he also didn’t really realise it was a problem until he saw how much it was hurting me… I explained how I felt gaslit into thinking I was the problem. 
Obviously that was not his intent - as he explained - but he’s just embarrassed and has already tried stopping before. 

I also asked a few questions because I wanted to understand. It was weird having to ask such personal things… he handled it like a champ (I was not handling it well and kept crying). 
I guess the main points I was trying to find out was did I classify this as cheating? I never thought watching porn was but I guess the extent of what this addiction is like. I didn’t know if it involved other people or not? As in video chats? Porn addiction isn’t really spoken about… 

Talking about it really helped to be honest, we’re good at the moment but a part of me is still worried about the future.. 

Is this something he may not be able to stop? 
Is it going to affect us down the line when we have kids and we naturally aren’t as intimate anymore? 

Sorry for treating this like a diary, I hope people do find comfort in what I’m saying even though I’m still rattled…

I hope you and your partner are able to chat and work things out, we’ve got a long road ahead of us but I think you’re right and we have started the first part of recovery. 

Good luck, stay strong. 

- JenG

[Guest_05031319]

Hi. Get him to agree to porn blocker software and accountability app (have a Google ) and therapy with a male only specialist psycologist who deals with porn addiction ,if he won’t agree leave now.