My Life Is So Empty and Lonely
I don't know how I even ended up here, but here I am.
Im a 28 year old guy, im pretty normal looking and havent got any diagnosis for depression.
I am so lonely. I have had girlfriends most of my life and I feel okay when i do. But at the moment I'm single and so alone. I have done alot of self improvement and im trying to not just date a girl for sex/lonely cure and find somebody I have a real connection with, which is hard.
I dont have any friends, apart from my housemate and she is away a few days a week and im so alone on those days. Its eating me up. I just want some friends.
I use to smoke a lot of weed for many years, for the last few years I havent. I dont drink much, i dont do any drugs anymore, i go to the gym, i meditate, i was doing yoga(needa get back into it), i am studying at uni, i eat a healthy diet.
But my life is so empty and alone. Ive never had male friends apart from when i was in high school, but i moved to melbourne and dont keep in touch with them. I think ive got issues with men or something. I also have issues with making friends i guess. I went to a community event the other day and looked at all the people.. and thought.. i dont really wanna be friends withyou, i wouldnt like you because ".." or "..." and i only liked one person cos she was cute.
Im sick. My lifes gonna be empty forever. I want to not be such a judgemental horrible person with an empty life, i have lots to offer, but no1 ever seems to want to spend time with me, not even me.
Sorry for the rant...
Being alone is something a lot of people face, which if you turn it around means there are a lot of other people who feel the same as you . From what you have said I'd imagine you have a lot to offer. It takes a fair degree of determination to cut out the weed and drugs. Going to the gym to look after yourself is good too.
Studying at uni is a big thing and shows determination and planning as well.
Looking at other people and deciding you do not want to be friends because of things you have just thought up seem to me to be a bit of a mistake. I can imagine if one is worried about making contact it might be easier to not go there - and make up reasons why (forgive me if I misunderstand).
If it was me I'd try two things. The first is to maximize the chances of meeting people, tutorials, study groups, uni societies such as drama or whatever strikes your fancy. The second is to look at people a little differently, try to understand what they are doing and why. It never hurts to be observant. Get people talking about themselves.
There will be others out there looking for someone too
I can really empathize with your position, as it sounds as though you don’t just want to be friends with any old people, you want to find “your people” and that’s how I feel too. The problem with that is that we can be so selective that we end up alone, and we don’t want that either. Like you, I have always fallen back on dating to keep me occupied and from being lonely, but the trouble with that is that dating is not so solid, so you invariably end up back to square one. The way I see it, your main options are to keep trying to grow your friendship circle and find your people, you may even find some people that aren’t necessarily perfectly compatible, but will at least provide you with company and outings etc. You can also keep dating which may alleviate some loneliness for you? I’m sorry I can’t be much more help, if I was, I wouldn’t be in the same predicament!
I just wanted to start off by saying there’s definitely no need to apologise for the rant - The BB forums are super supportive and we’re all more than happy to listen and to try and help.
What are you studying at uni? 🙂
I would say I’m a bit like you and Juliet_84, in that I don’t just want to be friends with anyone... I like people I can connect with and who I have a lot in common with. I’ve made most of my good frienships at uni.. mostly just through talking to people in tuts, and then over FB, and then things went from there to hanging out regularly and talking a lot. I’d say another good place to make friends is by taking up a sport or maybe a class at the gym? Or if you have any other hobbies you could find local events/groups for them?
I think even though some people won’t seem like your friendship type at first, people can surprise you sometimes 🙂
Thanks so much guys.
Im going to try be more active in meeting new people. Id much rather hang out with people that might not be "my people" than to sit alone in self pity and despair.
Maybe if i let people in and get to know them they might be my people.
Thanks a lot you three, i really liked your insight.
Time for this lonely fish to jump into the pond!
I think you sound a bit more positive and I'm really glad. Unicornprincess is quite right, people most often give an outside impression, but that can be very misleading. There are an awful lot of opportunities to meet people at uni. You might find that for some you are their people.
I feel your pain. I have been there before in my life, particularly when I first moved to this country all on my own. I was a foreigner in a foreign land and making new friends is extremely difficult. Especially when you don't understand the local culture, or sports, or anything.
What to do?
I suggest you have a look at volunteering at some of the local community groups: Scouts, SES, Rotary, Lyons, Freemasons, etc. Alternatively, you could go to meetup.com and find an activity that you like doing. The nice thing about meetup is that most everyone there is a solo looking for friends too.
I've done both of the above, and they both have borne fruit. But the key is, to not act like you're looking for friends, act like you are having the time of your life. People are attracted to the fun and happy people. Where at first it may be an act, in time, with people gravitating to you for your happiness, you find that you do have friends and you are enjoying your time with them, and it is no longer an act. It is genuine.
Howdy JustALonelyGuy, I'm a bit older than you, but hear ya. I've always found making friends hard (well with guys anyway). Most of my friends are girls (not that I have many anyway). I find it hard to talk about blokey stuff and it has always held me back. A few years back, I joined an organise called Rotaract (junior rotary) and it helped me come out of my shell. It is a community organisation for 18-35 yo people. They do some community work, but it is all about the fun - bushwalking, camping, night outs etc. There is a few organisations like that out there, like Lions and some others (remember it's not all about charity work! - it's a great place to meet friendly and open, unjudgmental people!).
I too judge people poorly. My work was taken over by another company about 2 years ago, and I was offered a job in the new company, but in a different role. in this new role I said to myself that it was okay as long as I didn't have to work with a specific person, as I couldn't stand him. Thought he was disgusting. Turns out, he is now my direct manager, and I love working with him. He is the best manager I have had in 30 years of working. I judged him based on uneducated first impressions. When I got to know him, he was actually kind, supportive, and funny, and I enjoy his company whilst at work. So the moral of the story is the old "don't judge a book by the cover".
Our eyes can often lie to us, and we build up false impressions of others, so try and give it a go. What do you have to lose? If you meet new people, and don't like them, then okay, but hey, you might surprise yourself!
wishing all the best of fortune, and hoping you find those "your peeps"!