My journey so far. Is this emotional neglect?

[MissBenthos]

PART 1 OF 4: SYMPTOMS

Before I sought help I had not felt a single positive emotion in years. I was sleep-deprived and crying every night over the frustrations of not being able to sleep. Attempting to soothe the unrelenting anxiety that had me trembling in the safety of my own bed and the emptiness that stripped my soul with food and alcohol, it didn't matter that I was on the verge of throwing up, I needed to stuff more down because I remained feeling empty. I was dissociating at times - the kind where I thought I was in a dream not reality. Inwardly exploding with anger. Exhausted. Beating myself up for being this way. Grieving for the joy that felt beyond my reach and the life I was missing out on. I was there but I couldn't feel it. All food tasted the same. Music sounded like white noise. Spending time with friends was a chore. Everything felt pointless. I saw myself as a wondering zombie in an empty world. With the sleep I could reach I would dream of endless zombie mobs lunging at me, no matter how many I defeated, there were always more.

It had felt this way since forever. I was told life isn't easy. Besides, others have it worse, what do I have to complain about? I was suicidal and yet my inner voice was hounding at me to "have a cup of cement and stop being a little @*$%^!" rather than seek help or discuss my feelings with anyone. I would never consider a comment like that towards anyone else. I had plenty of respect, patience and caring for other people, and none for myself.

It was time to see a doctor. No, not for my mental health, for a pap smear - the regular physical check-up - I had no issues with physical assessments.

Towards the end of the appointment, my doctor asked if "there was anything else?". I said "No." She persisted with "Are you sure?". At that moment I froze. I couldn't speak, only break down into tears. I don't remember how, but we managed to organise a session with a psychologist.

[therising]

Hi MissBenthos

With my daughter, it's more so her dad who leads her to frustration and disappointment. He's trying to change his behaviour, which is gradually changing their relationship. When I say 'old school', it's like when a parent picks out a lot of the things you're doing 'wrong' and will congratulate you/be proud of you when you're doing all the 'right' things, from their perspective. In this case, our lives become performance based. 'If I perform well, I am good. If I don't perform well, based on the expectations of others, I am failing to be good.' Personally, I try to wonder more than I judge. Say, if one of my kids is vibing on the couch all day, I may not judge them as lazy, instead I'll wonder why they're vibing on the couch all day. I may wonder whether they're lacking in energy for some reason or whether they need the relaxation time so as to restore energy levels. If they need the relaxation time, I'll leave them to it. If they're looking for a difference, I'll try leading them to what will make a difference. Taking the approach 'You're so lazy' and then just walking off serves no one. If anything, it's a downer.

I understand the validation aspect when it comes to not feeling so amazing. For a start, acknowledging the 'down' or upsetting feelings is important when we're trying to work out why we feel the way we do, what's led us to that point. If the opportunity for greater understanding is shut down, it all tends to cycle 'round and 'round, leaving us seemingly forever wondering in what feels like a depressing never ending cycle. I can recall, during my years in depression, something along the lines of 'Where the heck's my enlightenment?! Is this just what happens to others and not me?'

With the guilt that comes with disappointing our self and/or others, it can definitely trigger a lot of emotions. I try to be conscious of using guilt as a trigger to question 'Who do I want to be?', instead of letting it remain solely as a trigger to emotion. If I decide 'I want to be someone who is not degraded or brought down by that person' then that's who I need to become. If cutting them off is the most effective way, then that's the challenge I need to rise to. I can expect others will make this challenge difficult, based on their way of thinking and their emotions. I know I may sound a little detached but, hey, emotional detachment can be an ability that serves us well at times, in moving beyond what keeps us down or constantly triggered.

🙂

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

Good on your for sharing and getting it all out there. I can relate a lot to what you've written. When I started to make sense of my relationship with my family, and what it was doing to me, I took a step back. I tried minimising contact, and in the end, I cut it all off. It's been 2 and a half years now and I feel the calmness in my life that I needed. Do I miss having a family? Yep. So, it's complicated. I'm sorry you're struggling with this too.

You mention wanting realness in your life. I think that's wonderful. It shows that your eyes are open. Unfortunately, some people's stay shut, and we have to deal with that. Do you have people in your life who value realness? Can you nurture those relationships?

Katy

[MissBenthos]

smallwolf,

I would love to read your sheep story, thank you for sharing 🙂



Juliet_84,

Thanks for pointing that out. I'm starting to see the inconsistencies too such as the faux positivity combined with endless negative gossip. It's confusing.



therising,

Thanks for explaining, that's a nice approach. I will remember to ask myself 'who do I want to be?' when I find myself feeling guilty. Guilt and shame seem to be my ruling emotions, and family sure knows how to push those buttons.



Katyonthehamsterwheel,

Thanks for sharing. Sending you hugs for your family situation. I do have some amazing relationships in my life who value realness, I think it's partly due to these that I've been able to see the disfunction I come from. I was recently having a hard day and made one of these people worry about me when I spoke about it. I found myself apologising and trying to ease their worry. They said, "this is backwards, I'm supposed to be the one supporting you". It had never really occurred to me. I've always seen my emotions as a burden and treated them as such. It was a helpful wake-up call.

I still worry that if I complain for too long they're going to realise what a crappy person I am and not want to be around me. My concerns are unfounded with this person but they linger in the back of my mind anyway.

[therising]

Hi MissBenthos

Guilt and shame can be horrible mental programs to be processing, every time they're triggered.

While I believe I have the guilt aspect kinda mastered (don't hold me to that), the shame one's a lot trickier in some cases. To me, shame feels so much more personal, like it just eats away at your soul in some way. Maybe it's because shame feels so much more degrading than guilt. With shame, comes those thoughts 'I've failed in some way/I'm a failure. I am less than. I am worth less (worthless) in some way, compared to others'. If there's a grading or degrading system, shame pretty much takes you to the bottom of the heap.

The only way that I've found, so far, to deal with shame involves asking those who degrade me 'What's your agenda?' Why do people use shame; to make themselves feel better, more accomplished in the area of 'higher consciousness', to measure their own worth in comparison to others, to lead people to humiliation and embarrassment, to remind us of the social standards? The list goes on when it comes to a possible agenda. It's interesting how in certain cultures instead of leading someone to shame, a village will congregate to discuss how they can lead that person to greater understanding, personal responsibility and support. This way, everyone in the village is invested in raising each other. It's about reforming people to be a greater version of themself, not deforming them to feel completely hideous inside and detached from themself and others.

From personal experience, I believe guilt can be productive where as shame is nothing other than destructive. So, you could say that when you feel shame, that truly horrible feeling that sits in your gut, your chest and your throat, you're feeling destruction of some nature. That's why it feels so bad. It is a mental program designed for self destruction.

To those who try to shame us, to them we could say 'You can keep your 'Shame' program, I'll be having none of that. I've worked way to hard and have come way too far to agree to self destruct at this point'.

🙂

[Healing123]

"Accidentally chipping a dinner plate while doing the dishes = yelled at for having no respect or care for other people's possessions. Then avoiding doing housework for fear of doing it wrong = lazy and ungrateful. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I could never reach the perfection that was expected of me."

This couldn't express my childhood experience better!