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My husband still wishes me Happy Anniversary after divorce 2018

lantern22
Community Member

I loved my husband immensely. Married for 20 years. He was my best friend. We went through a lot together, long - term infertility, losing our baby, health issues(me), losing his brother from balcony fall, losing his father(after nursing home fire) me taking care of mother with dementia, his siblings going to jail for serious crimes.

He abandoned me, after my mother died.

It came from no-where, and, looking back, it was clearly planned. He told me to go and get the washing from clothesline, while we were enjoying a lovely cup of coffee and Easter Chocolate cake. When I came back inside the house, he was gone! No note, nothing!All within five minutes.

Long story - short, he was planning a trip overseas to meet a woman, he didn't really know; a woman who didn't speak a word of English. His life just spiralled out of control and he made it clear that he hated all of our life together. I was so shocked - all this coming from a man who would text me everyday to say how much he loved me and how he needed me in his life. I had supported him through some of the most painful times of his life - esp, death of brother and father.

Ever since he has left me, he still sends me emails on our Wedding Anniversary and wishes me "US" a "happy Anniversary' i had heard he had married(I have never asked him, nor do I engage in conversation via email with him). I am always apprehensive, incase he fabricates some story about me to the police. I don't trust his behaviour.

The other week would have been our 23rd Anniversary and I received an email wishing 'us' a happy anniversary with an apology about him leaving me and not doing things possibly the right way. I replied, telling him I had worked through forgiveness years ago and we did face a lot of grief together. In the email, he went on to tell me that he is dieting and lost significant amount of weight(he wasn't overweight) and how he doesn't eat for 20 hours and exercises in the dark in a park at 6.00am. I am sure he isn't mentally well.

I am getting on with my life;, I guess I still do care about him in some way, but can't understand why he wants to keep this connection when he made it clear that he hated his whole life with me.

Can anyone shed some light on this?

8 Replies 8

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Lantern, and a warm welcome to the forums.

I understand exactly what you are saying because we were married 25 years together, my first love and still talk with each other or send messages to one another often enough and we still send each other anniversary wishes by ringing, happy mothers/fathers day, birthdays and Xmas every year without fail.

We both have our own lives, I'm single, while she is living with someone else, who she now regrets, but, unfortunately, we couldn't live together again, only because I've been single for a long time and do everything when I want to, I do only wish we could be together again, but if this isn't going to happen, then we'll still send messages.

Take care.

Geoff.

missep123
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi @lantern22,

I am sorry to hear you have been going through this because it really does sound like it would cause a lot of confusion! When I read your post I could see that you said you worked on your forgiveness- I think that takes an incredible amount of strength.

I can't say for certain but from my own experience I have found that people who continue to reach out and tell you things to try to make you feel sorry for them tends to try to be a desperate attempt to keep that connection 'alive'. I think the most important thing for me to check on you is - how do you feel when he e-mails you this? Do you feel as though it triggers you or do you feel 'okay'?

We are definitely here for you!

I look forward to hearing from you

lantern22
Community Member
thanks Geoff, that sounds nice. The thing is, my former husband treated me terribly just before and after my mother died. He gaslighted me, emotionally tormented me, manipulated me. When he finally got his own way, he wants to still have that contact, only on birthdays and anniversarys, but has made it clear he want's nothing to do with me otherwise. He will send an email to wish happy anniversary, and ends email with "regards'. If I start to engage in the email, he will cut me off quickly and tell me he is busy or has to go to sleep because he has a bit day the next day. I don't understand it but don't feel like it comes from a heart of care.

thanks so much. I am not sure why he is doing it, perhaps, yes, to feel sorry for him.

I guess, it just makes me feel very confused and a trigger for pain(from the past).

Someone said to me, he wants to be the good guy, to say he is sorry. There are a zillion questions I have but will never receive them from him.He's very clever at how he answers my questions. I really don't know who he is.

Hello Lantern, I understand what you're saying and know how you must be feeling and from what you've said, I would be tempted to block his emails, especially when he doesn't want anything to do with you.

In regards to my situation, before my wife left and then the divorce papers appeared our relationship was rather tense when she was determined to go her own way, it's not what I wanted but in hindsight probably the best decision, although now I wish we were back together, that won't happen even though she dislikes the situation she is now in, but wouldn't move back to the country.

It took a short time before I contacted her on her birthday etc, and if I don't ring, email or both, she's the first to do it and I always sign off with 'love'.

I can't tell you what to do, but if this the only time he contacts you and then doesn't want anything to do with you, I'd be blocking him as you don't feel as though it's not coming from his heart and you may be right.

Take care.

Geoff.

lantern22
Community Member
Thanks, Geoff, that's good advice. All the best to you!

Hllo Lantern, please let us know how you get on.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hi @lantern22,

I hear you, it is an incredibly challenging and especially confusing situation.

How have you been recently?